Alone

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

I have always thought of "alone" as negative, bringing on other words such as "rejection" and "abandoned". It summons memories of sobbing by myself in my room or walking through a crowded hallway, unseen.

Alone. I have experienced loneliness. 

Freshman year, I felt so alone. I remember thinking that high school was a great, big magical place, and I was so ready to kill everyone with kindness. I remembered this one girl in my second grade class who always smiled at everyone and was so, so sweet. Everyone loved her. I wanted to be like that-- liked by everyone, friends with everyone.

But then...the people I smiled at didn't all smile back. Most looked away or didn't even meet my eyes to begin with. I tried to be friends with everyone, but there must have been something wrong with my methods, because it didn't really work. 

So, I shut down. I stopped trying...and bitterness grew inside of me.

In the three years after ninth grade, so much happened. I continued to experience various forms of loneliness, but was mostly able to stifle it with "friends" (loose definition of the term at times). Until the start of this school year.

Senior year. It's a crazy thing. And the thing about the crazy thing is that it brings about a lot of change. For one reason or another, I found myself alone. The majority of my friends living out of town and having lost touch with the rest, I didn't really have anyone to just hang out with or grab coffee with or other typical friend stuff.

Loneliness. It can be crushing.

Earlier this year, I was venting on the phone to my cousin about how alone I felt. She had the most Holy Spirit-filled response: "What is God using this time to teach you? Maybe He just wants some Annie time."

That was such a huge slap in the face-- in a good way. 

Maybe He just wants some Annie time.

We're so quick to be negative about when we're alone. But maybe our loneliness is a reminder of something more...that we weren't created for this world. We weren't created to be satisfied by these people that surround us. Loneliness is a scream from our hearts for God.

Because without Him, even what we see as the "best" of relationships is absolutely pointless.

I have come to believe that Jesus has allowed me to go through times of loneliness to get rid of the temptation to fill myself with other people. In times of loneliness, Jesus has showed me that He alone can fill me and that He alone will remain faithful.

I ask God "why" all the time, especially when I've gone through alone time. A verse that really answers that question is Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

So what is my need? My ultimate need? To be filled by God, to let Him completely take over in every part of my life. Perhaps God chooses loneliness to satisfy that longing in our hearts for Him, by removing the distractions of other people.

Let's allow our loneliness to point us to a God whose arms are continually open and beckoning, despite wherever we've been. St. Paul tells us to rejoice in all things, so let us rejoice in the times when we feel alone!

And here's the best part: God will fill our hearts. It's not something we have to convince Him to do; He already longs to. Just think: when we're feeling alone or rejected, we feel but a shadow of His heart. Think of all of the people living without God, continually rejecting Him...and we've been a part of that very boat.

Jesus Christ alone can fill us. He alone can heal our lonely hearts. So let's surrender anew each day to His awesome, powerful love.

Author

Welcome, wanders and followers alike! You're reading the first post of the AM STATION A-Z CHALLENGE!

*crowd goes wild* Joking...*my mom claps*.

What should you expect over this month-long journey? Lots of exclamation points, a multitude of capital letters, and sassy commentary. Plus everything writing! (If you missed the theme reveal, click here.)

So the word of the day is...AUTHOR.

Before sitting down to write this post, I hadn't really ever thought much about this word. I never really considered myself as an author. I'm a writer. I don't have a shelf full of books I've written or an agent or a slew of YES WE'LL PUBLISH [INSERT WORK HERE] letters. Authors are people like J.K. Rowling, John Green, and Lauren Oliver. People who have those things.

What I do have? A shelf full of over thirty notebooks and journals, scribbled words on a thousand sticky notes all over my room, and over three hundred documents on my computer. What can I say? I'm a writer.

But an author? What does that mean, anyway?

A few minutes ago, I probably would have said "someone who has books, papers, poetry, etc. published". Thinking on this further, though, I came to realize that people use the term "published author". If the word "author" means someone who is published, then why add the adjective "published"?

So that invalidates my definition. Then what does it mean?

I propose that to be an author, one must have created something. The creation could be something constructed of canvas and paint, words and paper, nails and wood, etc. To be an author is to create.

I am a creator. I've created worlds, characters, stories, ideas... I have brought them about by using mere words, mere keys on a keyboard, and even the pencil in my hand. I am an author. I've authored into existence poems, books, and articles.

The word "author" is a label that is so powerful to me. One who creates, who has created, who has authored. I'm not sure that I'm as incredible as the word "author" is to me. But regardless of personal feelings, I am an author.

Wow. 

I am an author.

Those words fill me with a confidence. They fill me with a desire to live up to them.

Writers! You are authors. If you've created a character, a place, a story...you're an author. Realize it, embrace it! Embrace your call to writing greatness, and strive to live up to it. I believe in you!