Holy Wedding Day

About a year ago, I wrote this reflection following receiving Jesus in the Eucharist about some God-inspired imaginings. I think that it's totally appropriate for these next couple of days:

I was still in darkness, but longing for light.

Exhausted, I took a step forward, towards a doorway. The invisible hand of darkness pushed me forward, whispering for me to go. I obeyed.

Suddenly, I was standing in the light.

About one hundred feet away stood a man, standing before an enormous gate. I caught a glimpse of Him before He saw me. He was pacing, wringing his hands. As though He was waiting.

“You see me.”

And then, His eyes met mine. Even though he was a distance away, I could feel the radiant glow of His face. I felt a burst of love like nothing I had ever felt in my life, and it consumed all of me. In that moment, I knew that that was for what I was made.

“You know me.”

He started running. And tears of joy started streaming down my face...He’s running. To me.

I started to run but then I looked down and realized I was wearing a magnificent, full skirted wedding dress, complete with high heels that didn’t exactly support the idea of running.

But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to meet Him. So I kicked them off, hiked up the dress, and ran to Him.

As we drew closer, I saw bursts of memories from my life, both happy and sad. I looked into His eyes and knew that He was seeing them too.
“You love me through and through.”

I stopped a foot away from Him, but He didn’t stop. His face...the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen, words can’t describe it.

In one swift motion, he picked me up and cradled me in His arms.

He saw my sin, all the times I had messed up. But in His arms, it was gone.

He whispered, “I love you.”

And slowly, he walked back towards the gate, the biggest smile on His face. I felt so...at peace. I was able to love with every single part of me. And I knew that this was why I was made.

He walked through the gate and it closed behind us. I knew that it would never be opening for me again, but I did not feel trapped. This was where I was meant to be.

This was where He wanted me to be.

THIS is Jesus. Jesus is not the guy pointing fingers, screaming at us. He is the one who loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. He sees past every single hurt and RUNS to us.

Maybe His sacrifice makes you feel guilty. Maybe you don’t like the fact that you need to be saved, that someone sees you and loves you anyway. Maybe you think that His love isn’t for you, that you don’t deserve it. Maybe you think that you can’t surrender or you’ve tried and failed.

The reality is, how we feel about Jesus’s love has nothing to do with the truth of it. Regardless of if we “wanted” Him to or not, Jesus died for us. And He loves us so much that He will let us choose to whether or not to accept His love.

We have to be open to receiving this love, to letting it influence our lives. I know that it’s hard. Surrendering to Jesus is a lifelong process. Everyone fails, but we don't have to give up. His grace is sufficient.

Once we make it through that doorway and surrender, He’ll start running towards us and nothing can stop Him.

He wants you. That’s what matters. Not that you feel like you don’t deserve it. His sacrifice makes you worthy. This is our ultimate purpose, to love Him.

I think I what I was seeing was a picture me entering Heaven. But the image is still relevant on earth. We’re called to step out of sin here and now, and into the arms of Jesus.

Have you ever felt like nobody sees you, that you’re alone? He sees you. Not only that, He knows you. He’s not a distant God, but a God who is always with you. He’s cried with you, laughed with you. And He loves you. Every single part of you. He loves you enough to die, and rise again.

What is going to be your response to this radical love? Let’s pray to humble ourselves to accept this love and surrender. Ask for the grace to love him deeper. Ask without doubt, but with faith that Jesus will always come through.

THIS is what these days of Holy Week are about. Christ running to us. Jesus dying so that we might now Him...so that we might come to Him. 

He's coming to you, friend. He's with you. Surrender.

Praying for you.

(Take a listen to this song...very fitting with the theme of this post and this week:)

Experience with Edits

Happy Easter Monday, dearest readers! Quick announcement pertaining to following: it has come to my attention that for some reason GFC wasn't allowing people to follow the blog...the issue should be fixed. I hate technology.

But, onto more pleasant things! Actually, not really, because today's topic is quite a painful one, for me, at least. However, writing is a whole mix of things, pleasant and not-so, jumbled together in a pot, that produce an addictive product. I am unable to stop, even if I don't like some aspect of it.

Before I finished a complete draft, I looked forward to editing like a kid (okay, let's face it, like I) look forward to Christmas. Probably because I was anticipating refining my novel in order to ultimately finish it.

However, it was not so simple.

After about a week of editing, I had become so disgusted with my manuscript that I set it aside entirely for a month or so. I wasn't getting the automatic rush of seeing my writing fall into place that I got while drafting. I felt like there was so much to fix and that nearly all of it was unfixable. It was just so messy! I couldn't keep track of it all and it made my head hurt and brought tears to my eyes. Why was I finally being beat by the simple stage of editing?!

More days passed with the manuscript shoved to the back of my mind. But it was always there, like a test I would eventually need to study for or a worksheet I'd eventually have to complete. Something I was running from, something nasty.

Finally, I came to realize that this mentality was not healthy for my writing, or for me. I was intimidated by the whole of my story and all the changes that had to be made. But I was not taking into account the brilliance of the story itself, the characters I'd fallen in love with, the reasons I'd started writing it in the first place.

Drafting is an instant gratification experience for me. I love to see the pages and the chapters pile up, to see the blood sweat and tears poured into it, and the story develop. I don't get that when I have to delete things and re-write. I am likely to get overwhelmed by everything produced by the drafting stage and scream at my MS "I FINISHED YOU, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH!?" Unfortunately, I doubt that agents and publishers would react positively if I shouted such words.

Eventually, I was able to focus on what's in front of me. I made a list of what was wrong, and focused on one thing at a time. Like life, not everything is going to happen at once. And like my story, my edits need pacing. I needed to pace myself in what I was fixing, so I didn't burn out. Also, I needed to stop expecting the unexectable from myself. It's not logical or healthy for me to believe I can fix everything in a day. Lastly, I needed to remember the reasons why I started writing this particular story in the first place. I needed to let the love of my story, my characters, and ultimately writing fuel me.

To sum it all up, when you're cleaning a kitchen, you focus on one aspect at a time. Perhaps first putting food away, then wiping down the table and all the counter tops, moving onto sweeping, next washing the dishes, then drying, and finishing off by putting it all away. Try having this mentality when refining your masterpiece. And don't forget why you're doing it. Because you love the look of a clean kitchen! Those sparkling counter tops and appliances...oh wait, I mean, because you love your story! Those incredible, real characters that the rest of the world needs to know.

How do you edit your manuscript?

Don't Tell, Show

(mwahhahaha velcome to my secret lair of the internet vhere I vill attempt to complete zee A-to-Z Challenge vith my very own zeme: VITING.) I have no idea what just happened, so don't ask. Weird things happen with Anne Marie early in the morning.

This has been my greatest struggle as a writer. What? Being weird?

No, stupid, keep up. Telling and not showing. I mean showing not telling.

I hated hated hated HATED this rule so so so MUCH. I did not understand how one simply cannot tell. I have so much to tell! How could I just show it?! I'm a writer, not an artist for goodness sake.

When I took a creative writing class freshman year (best. class. ever.), this was something we definitely touched on. But I needed a blueprint, a handout, some sort of exact instruction! Because I did not understand why telling got such a bad rap.

I just love looking back at old writing and seeing how much I've grown. Even from reading things I've written less than a year ago, I can tell how much I learned.

Showing not telling was something that I learned gradually. There wasn't a formula I applied to suddenly become incredible at it (which I'm still quite far from. Being incredible at it, that is).

Since I've learned the art, I purpose that we rephrase "show don't tell" to "show over tell".

It's okay to tell. In her book This Is Not A Writing Manual, Kerri Majors discusses how a teacher once told her that it's perfectly okay to tell, as long as your telling is working. Some writers are masterful at telling. Like Kerri, my telling does not always work. It usually doesn't. My showing is more captivating and fills out the story much better.

Show over tell is the difference between telling someone about your best friend and actually introducing them to your best friend. While both are perfectly lovely, the later is the more desirable.

I think this quote sums it up quite nicely:

https://writerswrite1.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/quotable-anton-chekhov/

If showing over telling is something that you're struggling with, I encourage you to spend more time with your characters. Define them more, or "flesh them out". Show them squinting in the sun rather than saying it was sunny, show them sweating and panting rather than saying it's hot, show them holding back tears rather than saying that their hearts are breaking.

On another brief note, thank you all so much for reading my blog and for the kind comments! You all make me smile. Have a blessed Easter and I'll see y'all next week!

A-Z Challenge: THEME REVEAL!

Guys, I've done it. I've excepted the challenge.

*gulp*

ARE Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?!?!! Because I'm not!!

This April, I'm doing the A-Z CHALLENGE. Time to get alphabetical! I'm so excited about this, however daunting blogging every single day seems to me. Oh well! I'm a writer, I live outside the comfort zone. I'll take it one day at a time.

I'll be honest with you, if coming up with a theme is the easiest part of this whole blogging thing, I am so done. For weeks, I couldn't come up with ANYTHING. Finally, though, I had a light bulb moment and figured it out.

Don't get too excited. Please, stay in your seats.

THE THEME OF AM STATION FOR THE A-Z CHALLENGE 2015 IS...

*drum roll*

*deep breath*

*cell phone goes off*

*more deep breathing*

*ahem*

WRITING!

I can practically feel your thoughts right now.

Wow. Original. 

*bows and hastily exits the stage to avoid tomatoes*

BEFORE YOU JUDGE...well, one, you shouldn't be judging because this is a blog about writing. It's a blog about a lot of things, actually, but most posts usually circle back to the writing aspect of my life. It's right there in the description.

TUNE INTO THE LIFE OF A CATHOLIC TEENAGE WRITER.

(MAN I AM ON A ROLL WITH THIS CAPS LOCK STUFF TODAY.)

I am going to be blogging about things that inspire my writing, rules I follow, my writing challenges and how I deal with them, and much, much more. Hopefully, I'll be able to provide you with fresh insights and make you laugh. Or at least smile. Or snort air violently from your nose. I'll settle.

SO! Be sure to check back on APRIL FIRST for the first post! I was going to tell you the first topic, but nope, you'll have to wait and see.

Oh, get over it. Stop biting your nails in anticipation. You'll survive.

Or maybe you won't. If not knowing is truly affecting your health, please drop me a line and let me know. I probably still won't tell you. JOKING! Maybe.

Also, slightly unrelated...

BIG THINGS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF ANNE MARIE NEXT MONTH (A.K.A. APRIL):

1. Easter! 
2. Family visiting from where I used to live! (BEST. THING. EVER.)
3. Finally making a TEC Retreat! (I am so so so so excited! Going back to my hometown for it!!!!)
4. Share-a-thon fundraiser at the radio station where I intern!
5. There was one more thing...what was it...

OH RIGHT. MY 17TH BIRTHDAY! Woot woot. April 24, darlings!

Okay, that's all for now, folks. Thank you for putting up the major sass queen that is Anne Marie. Y'all rock, can't WAIT for April!

Easter Pictures=)

I hope that you all are having a very blessed Easter season!

(Back: Catherine, 10, John Paul, 12, Me, 15 on Wendesday!: Front: Joseph, 13, Dominic, 8 next month, Grace, 9)

(Of course, me=D)