Joy!

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

Joy is a slippery word. It's not happiness and it's not a feeling...it's something much deeper and longer lasting.

I always wanted to be joyful. However, I used to not know what that meant, so I kind of gave up on it for a while. There have been many periods throughout the past three years when I allowed the stresses of school, family, and friends to rob my joy. It wasn't even a fight-- at the first sign of struggle, I threw my hands up and out went the joy.

Joy. I used to think it was something you had to work towards with everything you have in you. I thought it was an attainable virtue, and without it, you weren't a Good Enough Christian. And, unfortunately, a lot of the time, I just didn't care because it was too hard.

I had tried so many times to be joyful. No matter what I did, I could not be joyful. Sometimes, life's stresses were just too much. I felt like they were crushing, that they couldn't be figured out. And until they were figured out, I couldn't be joyful.

So I wasn't.

After I realized Christ's intimate love for me sophomore year, my life began to undergo a lot of changes, slowly but surely. One of these was giving up drama.

"Wait!" exclaims you, the confused reader. "I thought this blog post was about joy!"

"Hush," returns I. "Keep reading."

Anyway. Before letting Jesus really transform me, I had a drama addiction. I ran on gossip, telling and listening to it. What else was there to talk about, besides everyone else's problems? Also, I felt the need to share my problems with other people who really weren't involved. I was looking to fix everyone else and be fixed by everyone else. It's a hard cycle to break.

I'm all about telling our personal, transformative stories. But we have to look at the context as well as our intentions. Are we sharing our stories because we want to point to the love of Jesus? Or are we pointing to ourselves?

I let my thirst for drama overtake my thirst for joy. Not only that, but y'all-- I'm a control freak. I have a tendency to think I need to fix everyone and everything and that it all comes down to me, every failure and every success.

Haha...yeah right. So not true.

I had a really hard time trusting God with everything. Every moment, every relationship, every test, my future...all of it.

And yet I wondered why I was not joyful.

Well, here's the deal: joy, like every good thing, is not something that we can just go on Amazon and order. That's our attitude towards it sometimes, isn't it? And it's also not something we just obtain by being really good and never getting mad at everyone.

Joy comes from God. It's a gift; like grace, it isn't something we earn.

Slowly, as I began surrendering more to God, I began receiving His joy. I have discovered that it is when I am aware that I am out of control and know the least about my future that I am the most joyful. The world would tell me, in that instance, that I should be seriously concerned. But why should I worry when I have the heart of the One who has conquered death!? I would so much rather He be in control than me.

The less of us and our stuff that clutters our hearts...the more of God and His joy. We can't receive His joy (or any of His other goodness!) when our hearts are cluttered. So, we must pray to be receive the graces to open ourselves to receive His joy.

This joy is so powerful that it can be clung to in the hardest of times because true joy is not rooted in current circumstances. True joy is rooted in Jesus Christ and His victory over the grave.

A moment of tangible joy in my life occurred quite recently...but it counts because I'm still in high school for the next month.

Friends, I have had a disappointing past couple of months. I felt like God was calling me to give a year up to Him doing missionary work in the US with an organization that puts on middle and high school retreats. I was so, so, so excited about this...I applied and interviewed and THEN...was asked to reapply in a year or so. Although I strongly knew in that moment that this was God's will, it still hurt.

Then, looking at colleges...my top college choice, Franciscan University of Steubenville, was incredibly out of my price range and is kind of known for not giving a whole lot of scholarships and financial aid. I was still hopeful, though, knowing that if God wanted me there, He would provide. After I received my financial aid package, I found out that it wasn't going to be enough. I know that this was part of God's will. It still hurt.

That same day, I was asked to be a counselor for a week at an amazing Catholic summer camp. Which was awesome...except that I had applied to be a staff member for the entire summer and really felt called to it. So once again, I accepted this as God's will and continued to hurt.

When God shuts doors, He still invites us to have joy. Because He is always, always working, as long as there is air in our lungs and even after that.

But y'all...it still hurts. I'm still figuring this life thing out. Even though I might be better at some things than others, I still struggle. I was really struggling with joy in these moments. I was doing everything out of a desire to serve God-- why wasn't He coming through and opening these doors I was trying to walk through?!

The day after I found out about the summer camp, I stopped crying, got out of my bed, and got dressed, thinking about the story of David in the bible, after God punishes him for his lack of purity and murderous actions by taking his son. While his son was sick, David mourned and wore sackcloth and fasted, but when he died, David rose and dressed and ate. When questioned about this, he said that when his son was alive, there was still hope of him not dying but now his son was dead and so, life must go on. Essentially, God gives and takes away.

God gives and takes away. With this mindset, I just said to Him: "God, I am on empty. I literally cannot be joyful and I do not even want to be joyful. But Jesus, you give me joy, so-- I surrender my pain and my illusion of control. Fill me with your joy."

Bam. Joy. Literally, in that moment, I was filled with so much peace and joy and the awareness that God was not finished. This joy did not come from any person and it did not come from my surroundings...if it did, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed.

Less than an hour later, I received an email. This email was from one of the camp guys, inviting me to be a part of the Program Mission Staff. WHAT?! That kind of stuff doesn't happen!

Except it does-- because God has a plan. He knows what He is doing. I found out about staff just when I was supposed to...and I'm so glad I did. I felt like in that moment, before I asked for joy, Jesus had asked me: "Do you trust me? Then get out of the boat and come to me."

In that moment, my boat was lack of trust and self-pity. But God invited me to give that up for His peace and joy...and by His grace, I was able to walk upon the waves. He is so cool.

What is the boat that is preventing you from reaching out to joy? Brothers and sisters, let's let go of ourselves, of our control, and of our drama. God can do some pretty amazing things-- let Him be your drama fix.

Don't be discouraged when joy doesn't come immediately-- sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. But in everything, ask the Lord to fill you with His perpetual joy. There are still many areas in my life where I struggle with joy. But I have hope that God is working in these areas and opening my heart to receive a greater joy.

Together, let's get out of the boat and run to joy.

I'm praying for you always.

When God Wants You To Wait

This is the time of year when I'm always in a funk.

Christmas seems forever ago and summer is light years away. I feel stuck in the middle, lost in a torrent of blandness and school work. There is so much to do before the school year ends. Things seem kind of pointless, and I wonder why I'm doing certain things. Laziness and procrastination tempt me to fall into their clutches. The weather doesn't help either, promising spring but clinging to winter.

Everything is just blegh. From the brown grass, the ever-sinking sun, the abundance of boring papers. Everyone is on edge and cold and just ready for some warmth.

Waiting. Waiting for summer, waiting for things to get done. Waiting to shake off the gloominess that holds us down.

Most people seem to think of waiting as a bad thing. In our culture, immediacy and instant gratification are our favorite words. The motto "all good things to those who wait" has been turned into "if you have to wait, it's not good". Instant internet access, instant texts back, instant feedback. When we don't get it, we get cranky.

We like our lives like we like our movies-- exciting, fast paced, surprising, and dramatic (even if we won't always admit it). When none of these adjectives apply to our lives, we sometimes wonder what we're doing wrong.

God does not subscribe to the world's negative view. In fact, sometimes God does His greatest work in us and with us in the waiting periods of our lives.

It is in the waiting that God changes our hearts. In the mundane, He wants to fill us. He wants to strengthen us, to prepare us. There is so much He longs to teach us in these waiting periods! He wants to refine our hearts, to direct us towards Him.

In our faith, are we clinging to God only when we feel high emotions? When things in our lives are crazy, either crazy good or crazy bad? When we reach interim periods, do we continue to trust Him, to turn to Him?

What about when we're waiting on Him? When we're waiting for an answer, for a sign...do our praises and gratitude turn to grumbling and complaints? When we don't feel anything, do we "not even bother" with prayer?

We do not follow God because of what He does for us, because of how He makes us feel. We follow Him because of who He is.

God is mighty to save. He is Love. He is all powerful. He is in control.

Right now, I'm waiting on a lot of things. I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing even four months from now. But I do know that my God is faithful. I know that He is working in this time, that He has a plan that He will execute perfectly, for my good. So, meanwhile, I will worship Him.

Is God asking you to wait on Him? Never believe for a moment that He is not active. Find Him in the waiting. Surrender more fully. Be faithful to Him. Try to outdo Him in faithfulness, and watch the splendor that unfolds.


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28

Busy, busy, BUSY!

It's been a while since I have written about writing! Perhaps my subconscious is still recovering from my writing themed A-Z Challenge. Let me let you in on what I have been up to.

My main project has been drafting TBN (which, obviously, still has yet to be named). I started September with the goal of finishing by the end of the month...not quite sure if that is going to happen. The month has been so hectic. I worked twenty-six hours last week, plus add school, other volunteering obligations, and family stuff...it's been insane. There have been a few mornings where I have woken up an hour or two early because the day was so full. 

But! The good news is, I'm just over half way done, so I have made quite a bit of progress. I have been enjoying this draft more than any other I've ever written. I've been told a million times to be okay with your first draft being crap, but I've never been able to actually believe it. For some reason, it's finally stuck this time around. 

I have been able to completely accept my draft as it is and plow forward, just putting words on paper. I'm not judging my writing, which is huge for me. I know that I can write better but also that my draft is how it needs to be for now. It's okay, and it will get better.

Life is super beautiful when we learn to let go, let God, and accept ourselves, completely and totally, flaws and all.

By the way, thank you so much to all of you who commented kindly on the poem I posted a few weeks ago! I was blown away by your sweetness.

I have been cranking out more poetry, slowly but surely. I really wish that I could put music to it and write songs, but alas, I'm not that talented. I'm pretty excited about this poem I've been working on, based on Song of Songs and the Gospels. Perhaps I'll post it when it's ready?

I just wrote two essays last night for my NET application (just one to go!), which launched me into a very reflective mood that I have yet to break out of. The topics were my faith story and how my relationship with God has changed me. They were actually surprisingly hard to write! But the Holy Spirit took care of me and they're thankfully done. The last one I have to write is on two ways I can improve in the way I relate to people which will be very short because I'm perfect. Joking. I should probably start writing now because I might not be done by the time I graduate...

I've been pondering doing NaNo this year. Because, you know, I will have just finished a draft in need of major edits and am working an average of 15 hours a week...oh, and plus, I have to put together a youth rally/retreat for my dad's ministry. Oh! And school, essays and reading! Plus college visits! So why not do NaNo?!?!?! My crazy is showing. 

There was only one year I was able to complete NaNo and it was absolutely awesome...and a long time ago. It's been five years since then, and I think it would be a great addition to my senior year. Also, I'm not sure when I'll be able to do it again. And I do have a story that I'm just itching to write...

Who else is doing NaNo? I was thinking about starting a teen NaNo support group via email. If you're interested, please leave your email in the comments below! Or shoot me an email: 11anniem@gmail.com.

What have you all been up to? Have a fabulous remainder of the week!

Farewell, Summer...Thou Hast Been Cruely Ripped From Me By The Evil School Year.

Welllll, that was a bit dramatic.

Yesterday was my last first day of high school, thus ending my last summer while I'm in high school.

I feel like I'm nearing a cliff, unable to see what's below. But my pace is becoming so rapid that I can't stop...and even if I could, the speed and the mystery and the excitement is exhilarating, despite the occasional explosion of butterflies caused by a bump in the road. I'm so close to this end, and yet so far...and when I reach it, what next? Will I fall, or will I fly? Will I want to go see what's below or take to the sky?

Anyway. Before I get carried away with thoughts of the end of this year, here's a bit about this past summer.

I grew in my relationship with Jesus. He continues to fill me with wonder and draw me into a beautiful, passionate relationship with Him. It's really hard to be a Christian today and not get discouraged by the world and despair, but choosing to live in His hope and His love is always worth it. I also grew in my relationship with His mom, Mary. I know that a lot of other Christians believe that Catholics worship Mary, but we don't. Jesus entrusted her to His apostle John (and in doing so, to us) and entrusted St. John (and us) to Mary when He was dying on the cross. Mary leads me closer to Jesus...kind of like how if I want my dad to do something, I'll ask my mom first so that she can help petition him. Anyway, this summer I consecrated myself to Mary. Basically, I went through a retreat sort of thing in order to entrust myself into her care. It was really awesome and definitely helped my spirituality.

I met amazing men of Christ. At summer camp, I was awed by the incredible guys I met that are so desperately in love with Jesus it brought tears to my eyes. They really strengthened my resolve to keep my expectations high and hold men accountable. Also, they helped me to trust God that He has someone for me who will lead me closer to Him.

I met amazing women of Christ. Also at summer camp...they inspired me to trust more in Jesus and abandon myself completely to Him. They inspired me to let only Him define me. They showed me that it's not a one time thing, but an every day process and decision that's difficult but so, so worth it.

I lost a friend over my beliefs. That hurt. Unfortunately, though, it's life. We are called to share our beliefs with love. Sometimes, even when we're loving, hate is the response that we get. I struggle at times to still be loving even after that...but God always provides the grace necessary to fulfill everything He asks of us.

I set aside my fear and confronted someone who needed to be confronted. This was really tough. Like up all night before and sick to my stomach tough. But again, God always provides the grace necessary to fulfill everything He asks of us, and I truly believed that He wanted me to do this...so even in my fear, I talked to someone who had really hurt me. It didn't solve everything and things didn't necessarily get better, but I walked away from the meeting with a new found peace and closure.

I realized that a lot of people are fake. As negative as that may sound, I feel like it's a reality that everyone has to experience and discover in life. I also realized that I can't be the only person in a relationship to be making effort.

I unexpectedly gained a new best friend. A family friend came and lived with us this summer to do some interning for our nonprofit...despite living down the street from me when I lived in PA, Anna and I were never really close. However, this summer, we shared so much...from shopping and ice-cream and making dinner together, to deep late night talks featuring lots of laughing and tears. It was seriously incredible, I'm so blessed by her and miss her so much!

I spent lots of time with my cousin. If you've been following my blog for any amount of time, you know that I'm super close with my cousin, Alex. We spent every day together in the summer when I lived in PA, so living four hours away from her is really difficult. Anyway, I was so blessed to be able to spend collectively about three weeks with her. We did a lot of fun stuff: put putting, shopping, swimming, typical girly summer stuff that was 100x better because it was with her.

I did a lot for Mass Impact, the ministry my family runs. I worked the table at our local Christian music festival and got to talk to a lot of amazing people. We also had a pretty big festival that we put a loooooot of work into. That took up most of the summer...but it was cool to serve so many families and help them grow closer to each other and to Jesus!

I'm feeling increasingly validated to do NET. I've talked about NET before, but for new readers-- NET (National Evangelization Team) is a ministry that trains and sends teams of young adults all over the country to do retreats for high school and middle school students. I'm in the process of applying for next year (2015-2016). I've definitely had some doubts as to whether this is what God really wants me to do...it's hard to give up a year of my life! Especially since I'm excited to go to college. This summer, though, God made it increasingly clear through other people's support and different events that that is where He wants me to be.

So there you have it, folks. It was an insane summer, and I'm looking forward to this school year God taught me so much this summer and blessed me in so many ways...cannot wait to see where He takes me this year.

How was your summer?

21st Century Lizzies and Lydias

It's interesting-- all summer, not once did I think of an actual post. I shoved away thoughts due to guilt thought about my blog as a whole somewhat. After I managed to type out that last post, ideas kept flooding my mind, making it impossible for me to NOT blog again.

Speaking of that last post, your response, dear readers, was incredible. Your support chokes me up, as well as the fact that you're still sticking around. Wow. I wish I could hug you all and take you all out for coffee. Alas.

But now, onto this post! Recently, I re-watched Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth, baby. There is no other.) for the twenty-something-th time. I love watching that movie so much, especially as I get older, because there are always parts I can relate to a little more and new insights that come upon me.

Following this re-watching, I got to thinking about Lizzie girls of the 21st century as well as Lydia girls of the 21st century. And wondering which category I fall under.

I think most of us know that girl (or girls) who is so desperate for love that she'll settle for the first guy who blinks at her. She doesn't take into account the man's morals, behavior, or interests. She'll say that she doesn't want to hold him to unrealistic expectations, that there's no such thing as a perfect man, that he's human and that's fine. But then in the next breath, she'll be making excuses and saying that he'll change. She becomes so lost in him because he gives her attention and makes her feel pretty and loved (for his own purposes, no doubt), that she gives little thought to anything else.

She shoves down her emotions if she has an skepticism of her significant other or anything else in life. This she does all for the sake of being happy. She doesn't know how to feel other emotions because she is so set on happiness. But at the end of the day...is she really happy?

It's been said that if you throw a frog into boiling hot water it'll jump right out. However, if the frog is to be placed in cold water that is slowly heated to a boiling temperature, it'll stay right there and be fried. This can be applied to so many things in life, especially relationships. But this girl, she is like the frog. She can spot a bad relationship of her friends a mile away, and maybe deep down, she knows her relationship isn't healthy, either. Either way, the pot is comfortable and sure, the water's getting kind of hot, but she's so used to it, so she'll stay there until it's too late. All for the sake of attention.

She, my friends, is the twenty-first century Lydia. I've seen this happen so many times to so many amazing women who sell themselves short of what they deserve. She has told herself the lie that she can't attain anyone better, that perhaps there is no one better, so she stays in that boiling pot.

On the other hand, the twenty-first century Lizzie is much more skeptical when it comes to men. She is persuaded that nothing but the deepest love will induce her to matrimony (that's basically a direct quote, folks). She is patient in waiting for whatever life holds for her, be it man or no. She knows who she is and thus does not care about the opinions of others (ahem, Lady Catherine). That being said, sometimes she takes things to heart too much, due to the amount of caring that she possesses, and she does get hurt. She is passionate and is not afraid of confrontation.

I strive to be a Lizzie. While watching the movie, I thought smugly, Of course I'm a Lizzie. How could I possibly be a Lydia? But as the movie progressed, some unpleasant memories came to mind. Memories containing some Wickham-like boys in my own life.

All of a sudden, my thoughts switched to how could I possibly be a Lizzie?!

Wonderings such as this plagued me for days as I searched for some relief to my conscience. Finally, I realized how unfair it was to put the entire female gender into two boxes and label them LIZZIE and LYDIA and expect them all to stay put. Women hate staying put when you tell them to. I should know. I came to see that perhaps in every women, there is both Lydia and Lizzie. Perhaps one shines more clearly than the other, but aspects of both are there.

This was all well and good, but I was still convinced that I had previously been a Lydia and that really hurt. Until. I had the starting realization that....

LIZZIE LIKED WICKHAM!

Lizzie, who by no means is perfect, was enthralled by Wickham and perhaps even thought herself to be in love with him. Blindly, she let Wickham lead her onto the path of hate for a man who was indeed good.  Mr. Darcy!

And here, readers, is where the biggest distinction of all is between Lizzie and Lydia. Lizzie may have liked Wickham, but she didn't pursue him and did let him go. Indeed, regarding Wickham, Lizzie said something along the lines of (I can't find the exact quote), "yes, go, go, I shall not wish you back."

AH YES! SO POWERFUL! And why is that? Because she's realized what a loser he is! But she calls that he's a loser even though he's made her feel and she lets him go! She doesn't try to fix him and she doesn't try to make excuses. She seems him as he is and doesn't try to hold him to unrealistic standards. She doesn't live in regret, but again, lets him go.

Imagine if she hadn't. If she had continued the relationship and Wickham had married her. She would have completely missed Darcy.

How sad it is, all the girls today, clinging to their Wickhams out of the fear of the unknown and of being alone. How sad that they are missing their Darcys.

I don't pretend to be perfect and I know that I don't have all of the answers. But I do know that there is such a thing as second chances and that people can change. I know that God is in control and He wants our happiness more than anything.

But the thing is, we'll never find it in anyone. Not Darcy and not Wickham.

God created our hearts, He gave us the ability to love...so why shouldn't he be the first one we love? How could I ever learn to love a flawed human being if I cannot first love my perfect God? Why should we look to Cosmo or Seventeen for relationship advice? Rather, let's go to the maker of love (He who is Love) and let Him lead us and direct our longings and desires.  He's healed me from past hurts that have seemed unhealable...He is so faithful.

Jesus, teach me how to love.

And can I just say-- bravo, Jane Austen, for creating amazing characters that cause such ponderings!? Author goals, man, author goals.

Partial Letting Go

Sometimes, things go wrong. Specifically, sometimes things get destroyed.

And it hurts.

I'm a planner, and I like to plan everything down to the last detail. I'm a control freak, I like to be in control of my emotions and feelings (or at least, I try to be. Whether or not I succeed is a whole different blog post). I like to be in control of situations, of knowing exactly what to expect. I try to plan things I don't have control over.

I used to be a lot worse. Thankfully, God's grace is leading me to surrender my plans and my need to be in control...but, oh man, did I used to be bad.

I used to do this thing I like to call Partial Letting Go. Okay, let's be honest--I still do it sometimes. I'm very good at it, so sit tight while I explain.

Partial Letting Go is when your mom offers you the last cookie. You really (I mean really) want it but you feel like she might want it too so you say "No, that's okay you can have it". However, your words aren't matching your mental attitude--nor the lust in your eyes as you gaze at the beautiful creation. Not your mom, that would be weird--the cookie.

You gave up the cookie. But just because you want your mom to give it right back up to you.

I'm SO SO SO SO SO guilty of this when it comes to God and life.

Let's face it--somethings just don't work out and nor are they meant to. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season. And that is okay, it's a part of life. That doesn't mean it hurts less, however, when friendships (or any-other-ships) end.

Sometimes, things go wrong. Sometimes, we can't fix them.

When I finally come to realize this, it's like hitting a brick wall. I come to see that wow, I really am not in control. I didn't plan for this. Then, I'm forced to just surrender-- God, here, have this situation. Which, in reality, I should have been doing throughout the whole of the situation...but, again, different blog post.

Anyway, this is where the Partial Letting Go comes in. I give [insert person, place, or thing] to God...but expect Him to give [person, place, or thing] back. AH! Did you catch that? I expect Him to give it back. Because, for some reason, the planner and control freak that I am thinks that she knows more than the Creator of the Universe.

And then, of course, I become upset when I don't get it back. Sometimes I do...but usually I don't. I get angry at God, saying I gave this to you, I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working out?! Why am I still crying?! Why am I hurt?!

Perhaps...my eyes are quite different from His.

Perhaps...I don't see the full picture.

Perhaps...I'm not in control. But perhaps He is.

Perhaps...I'm stuck in the moment.

Perhaps...He's trying to teach me something.

Perhaps all of these are true. Actually, I know all of these are true, but it's really hard to see that in the moment.

It's okay to want it back, when we let it go. But with our want must come an even deeper abiding trust that God knows what is best for us. Not only does He know, He desperately wants what is best for us. And not only that...but He will go as far as He needs to do what is best for us.

He knows. He knows the pain...He cries with you, He holds you. Just surrender....and not just partially, but completely. Praying for you.

Risks

Recently, I took a risk.

In reality, we're always taking risks, right? Getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. But so is staying in the bed. Loving is a risk. Hating is a risk. Risk, risk, risk. Things hardly turn out the way we plan, in my experience, so it's all a risk.

I suppose I should reword that first sentence. Recently, I took a big, larger-than-normal risk.

I've spent so much of my life being silent through hurt. I subscribed to the belief of "stay silent and let go" mixed with the whole "smile-nod-you're-fine" thing. There is a time and a place for silence, for letting go. For deciding that yeah, it's just better to move on.

But what about those things that are actually really important to us? Or were really important? Are we supposed to just suck it up and keep going?

Why do we hold our feelings so close to our chests all the time? I'm a big believer in emotional chastity, a component of which is being prudent about what emotions/parts of ourselves that we're sharing with whom. But part of emotional chastity is being honest about our feelings and not saying "fine" when things clearly aren't.

Back to my risk.

This past year, I was in a very confusing, very complicated situation that left me incredibly hurt and with a lot of unresolved feelings. Through the whole ordeal, however, I'd smiled and nodded like it was all fine. Until the end, when I just couldn't handle it anymore and ended everything.

Unfortunately, the ending, while it did solve somethings, didn't solve everything and gave me new hurt to work through. I felt like I had held back a lot of myself that really needed to be shared, which was funny, because part of the reason I was in this situation in the first place was because I had totally overshared myself.

Months passed. I learned so much about, well, so much. God really poured His love and grace upon me in ways that I had never experienced. Additionally, the love and support that my friends gave me was unbelievable. I am so blessed.

I talked about my feelings so much to my closest friends, which was really helpful. But there was something missing, a roadblock preventing me from completely moving on. After a lot of prayer, I came to realize that though I had spilled out all my emotions, thoughts, and opinions about what had happened to some people, the person who needed to hear it the most hadn't.

I should point out that just because someone needs something doesn't mean they want something.

Anyway, I don't necessarily run away from confrontation, but I don't speed towards it either. I guess it sort of depends on the situation. How did confrontation mix with this situation, though? Let's just say that the confrontation was Nineveh and I was Jonah. Basically, I was trying to distance myself as much as I could from confrontation.

But the feeling kept nagging me, that I needed to share myself one last time. Not in an attempt to "fix everything", but in an attempt to be honest in a way that I had never been. Just because you know something is right, however, doesn't mean that it isn't scary. I've learned that so many times you'd think I'd have really learned it by now, but not really.

Anyway, so I finally did what I do best. Put a pen to a loose leaf sheet of paper.

An hour and four pages of paper later (filled out front and back), there it all was. All that was held inside me for so long. And I knew that I needed to send it. So I did.

I'm still waiting for a response, and I may be waiting forever. But I believe that I did the right thing and I also know that God is in control. I know that He's holding me, I know that He's been in control of the situation even when I lost control.

Risks. They scare us, but why? I believe that God is in control, so why should I be afraid? Sometimes, God pulls us out of our comfort zones to do incredible things. In fact, He does that more often than not. So hold tight, because He's got this. He's got you.

Two Years

Today is kind of a special day for me. So special that it bumped my review of BONE GAP to next Wednesday and the tag I was planning on doing next Monday.

Today officially marks two years of me living in Ohio. 

Talking about how fast time flies seems like such a cliche...but it's so, so true. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was researching houses with my mom? Actually, wasn't it just last week that I was in preschool?

So much has happened over the past two years. I've experienced so much, grown so much. Learned so much. Hurt a lot. Loved even more.

I've found myself, and found out that I really like who I am.  

I've done crazy things in the past two years. I've stood up for myself, for other people. I've learned how to be courageous, how to not back down. I've learned that there is not a happy ending to every relationship. Some people are in my life for a season, and that's okay. Sometimes I make poor judgements, and that's okay. Usually people aren't who they seem. I've learned to give second chances, to both others and myself.

I've learned that sometimes, I'll have the words and be forced to be silent. There is a time for freaking out and a time for calming down, even when it goes against everything in me. I have learned the importance of being in control of my emotions. I've learned not to spew my feelings out all at once, to give relationships time to progress. I have learned that it is okay to trust. Sometimes, though, it is okay not to.

I have learned that not everyone will like me. And that's okay. I've learned that I'm made to be at peace with people. I've experienced the power of forgiveness. I've learned that I need to value the people in my life now, instead of wishing for the ones that used to be or are to be.

I've learned that sometimes, I just have to let go. Even when it hurts and feels like it's going to kill me, I have to walk away. I've learned that I don't owe everyone (and oftentimes, anyone) an explanation for my actions. I've learned that my mom is basically the smartest human being in the universe. I've discovered that there is no one who I trust more, or who I would rather be like.

I've learned that some people are just going to frustrate me. I can't fix them. I don't have control over them. All I can do is decide is what I am going to let them do to me and how I'm going to react.

I've experienced God being in control. I've experienced me being out of control.

I have learned that change is normal and the only infinite person is God, and so I am learning to cling to Him.

One of my favorite worship songs is Oceans by Hillsong. If you're into Christian music at all, you've probably heard it. The whole song is so powerful, but this is my favorite line:

"You called me out upon the waters/the great unknown/where feet may fail."

When I moved, I was launched into the great unknown.

The thing about following God is that it's SCARY. If anyone tells you anything different, they haven't read the bible. Look at what following God cost Jesus.

God has called me--messy, imperfect, small me--into the great unknown. Where feet may fail. But that's where He is. Following God is scary because it forces us to realize that we're not in control. The thing is, though, is that we're not in control whether we realize it or not.

Surrendering to God and knowing His will takes great faith. However, for what He calls us to, He'll always provide the grace sufficient for. It's hard to follow Him, but if I've learned anything this year, it is this.

Following God is always worth it.

It's worth the pain, the fear. The uncertainty.

Though there's all that, there's also the awareness that you are madly loved by the God of the universe who died for you. Wow. Mind blowing. It is literally impossible for us to understand the gravity of His infinite love.

Learn to listen to God, go where He's calling you. Even when it looks scary...He'll be holding you, every step of the way. 

I know He's held me. And I have every confidence He'll continue to do so.

Feature Friday! One Life: Guest Post by Nicole

SO excited to be featuring Nicole this Friday, who is actually my newest critique partner! Nicole is an eighteen year old writer from over at Carpe Veritatem. If you like what you read here (which of course you will, because Nikki is utterly fabulous), be sure to hop on over to her blog and give her a follow!

Why do we try to rush everything in life? 

When I was five, I couldn’t wait to be ten. When I was FINALLY ten, all I could think about was turning thirteen. On my thirteenth birthday, I proceeded to tell my mom, “Only three years until I turn sixteen and can drive!!”

Now I’m eighteen, and am freaking out. Adulthood and college are looming in front of me, and I just want time to stop for a bit so that I can figure all of this out. 

Yet, I still find myself rushing things.

“Only 111 days until I move in to college!” “Only two weeks until I’m completely done with school!” “Only five more hours until my shift is over and then I can go home and eat pizza and ice cream and binge watch The Blacklist and CSI.”

Okay, just stop. (wait a minute. Fill my cup put some liquor in it. *shameless Uptown Funk reference*)

Let’s just take a step back for a minute, shall we? 

We've all been given one life to live.

One.

That’s it. 

One life to use it whatever way we please, for good OR bad. We can tell someone we love them, or we can walk away and never talk again. We can glorify God in everything we say and do, or we can hide our faith, waiting impatiently until we can go home and get out of an awkward situation. The fact of the matter is that we’ve been given this life, this one life, for a reason, quite probably a reason more splendid than we could ever imagine; it’s incredible to think about.

So, slow down and enjoy everything about your life. When your little sister asks you to braid her hair, or when your mom takes you out for coffee.

These moments are precious, so don’t wish them away.

Every day you have 24 hours.

1,440 minutes.

86,400 seconds.

How will you spend them? 

Using Writing As Revenge

Sorry I'm posting a day late (again) but birthday festivities consumed most of the day yesterday.

Seventeen. I'm so old.

Not really.

Anyway...today's, I mean yesterday's, post is on Using Writing As Revenge. As you would know if you read the title. Which, no doubt, you did. Anyway, this actually coincides quite nicely with celebrating my life.

Revenge is such a slippery term. I don't like the word. Or perhaps, what I dislike is what the word means. I've never been a big one for revenge.

I became close with someone last year, which was a really rough year. We weren't close for very long, due to the fact that he decided that, for some reason, he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. This literally tore me apart. I liked this kid, a lot. We definitely shared some awesome times together. I think what killed me the most was that I had been waiting all year for someone to let me in, to be okay with me, with who I really was. When he finally showed me this time after time and I'd begun to believe him, he completely threw me aside.

Wow. Thanks.

My immediate thought was why, accompanied by feelings of sadness and guilt. Eventually, I got sick of why because I couldn't figure it out. There simply was no answer. This made me mad, oh, it made me so mad.

The fact that he could just come, be well on the way to being my best friend, and then stab me in the back and silently walk away, a smile still etched on his face...whoa. Like, dude, no. There's never a good reason EVER to do that to anyone. But the fact that he did it without a reason...or maybe he had one and I'll never know. Still.

I wanted to have revenge on him, oh, I wanted to get back at him. I wanted to break him like he broke me. But I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. And after everything that this guy had put me through, I still had respect for him. Deep down, I wanted to forgive him. This desire prevented me from truly wanting bad for him. That made me angry, too. How I couldn't be properly angry with him.

The thing about revenge is that it promises to fix our problems. It promises to make it better, make us better, make the situation better, and make the person who hurt us pay. We want to force the other person to feel what we felt, to be punished. Revenge is a twisted desire for justice. And the thing is? That desire can never be quenched. We want to exact revenge because it gives us a sense of power, of control. But we're not in control.

Eventually, I learned that there was nothing I could do to this person to make me feel better. I still had to wrestle with feelings of guilt and hurt and rejection. Okay, so if I could hurt him? Then what? It made me just as bad as him. If there's anything I know about heartbreak, is that it's unlimited. There's not some weird equality thing that's like "oh, well, now he has a heartbreak so she doesn't have to."

The only thing I could do with the pain was give it to God. Give the friendship to Him. Give my feelings to Him. Yes, it hurt so badly to forgive this person. But I did, eventually, by the grace of God. And not only that, I forgave myself.

We are given pain for a reason. We are allowed to go through tough times and God is right there with us. You are not alone.

After everything with this person fell apart, my friends and I concocted various schemes to "make him pay". We literally thought of everything and, not going to lie, I wanted it. So. Bad. All of it, every single revenge plot. But God taught me that revenge is not mine. I am not in control. He taught me humility in letting go.

But God gave me so many talents. He gave me the gift of writing.

So I took the feelings from the friendship. I took the stories, from when we first started talking to when he stopped. And I poured all that out into my novel. I let the pain drip my fingers onto the pages, I let them absorb my laughter. God used my writing to heal me. With each word I typed, pieces of my heart shifted back into place.

Use your writing as revenge. Again, I hate the term. Revenge does nothing for you, and that's what it's for in the first place, isn't it? It's a selfish desire to punish someone so that you'll feel better. But it never makes you feel better. What you really want is to be whole again.

Since everything went down last year, I've experienced more intense pain and way more intense joy. God is so good and it is so good to be alive and to be able to love. With each big event in my life, though, I turn my hands towards heaven.

"God, what do you want me to do with this?"

And I always end up back at my computer, typing away. Or with a notebook, pen flying across pages.

So write. Write your pain, write your joy. Make your stories more realistic by pouring in your real pain, your real joy.

...and just imagine sending a copy of your published book to the person who hurt you. The person your villain is based of off ;) Let it go and let God work. He'll use your pain and He'll use your words.

Keep Calm and Write On

C-calm?! What!? No! I can't be calm! It's nearly the end of my junior year, I have a bajillion papers to write and books to read and studying to do for the ACT and SAT! No! No time for calm! Plus my job is starting soon, how am I supposed to find time for anything then!? Answer: I'm not! Calm is not a word in my vocabulary!

Just before this, while making my daily blog visits, my stomach started churning (which has NOTHING to do with the flu in my house--I've already made my mind up, I'm not going to get sick) as I thought of all I need to do in the next couple of months. I should not be writing, I should be doing a million other things!

Another freak-out moment happened yesterday. I've begun planning yet another novel (while still in the midst of editing...ugh. This should be interesting) and I realized that it is about to take over my life. I am literally obsessed with this story and my main character. I totally started to panic as I realized that this is the busiest time of the year for me, and here I am, sitting on my bed PLANNING A NOVEL. Which means I'm going to put off everything else until the last second and just work on my new WIP.

Usually, I do not have a problem making time for writing. Writing kind of runs my life.

But when I get out of the habit of writing every day, then the craziness of school, volunteering, and family stuff takes over. It seeps into the hours set aside for writing and steals all my energy. Then I begin to resent writing, and feel guilty about it...it becomes something I should be doing, rather than something I want to be doing.

The only way to remedy this is just JUMP IN AGAIN. Pen and paper is much more forgiving than the writer. It will always be there. We just need to get over the fact that we haven't written in a while and put one word in front of the other.

Of course, the best way to not fall away from writing is to just write. Write something every single day. It's probably something that you've heard a million times, but it has been proven true in my life time and time again. Whether it's a paragraph, ten chapters, blog post, or journal entry--JUST WRITE.

For goodness' sakes, we're writers. Don't let the busyness of the world steal that from you. You're a writer. You write. So go write.

Famous: Writing From Pain

I am obsessed with the song Famous by Kelleigh Bannen for multiple reasons.

One, because it's country. Two, her voice is so edgy. Three, the song lyrics totally resonate with me.

"I'm gonna make you famous/tell 'em all about you/gonna all know what your name is..."

Heck yeah.

A lot of people say that they deal with life by writing. For me, though, writing is synonymous with life. I don't think life needs to be "dealt with". Rather, writing is the fulfillment of life. I pour my life into writing and I pour writing into my life.

Basically, this is how it goes:

When I mess up. Good writing material.

When I'm hilarious. Good writing material.

When I hang with my besties. Good writing material.

When awkward moments happen. Good writing material.

When I say dumb stuff. Good writing material.

When I have to let go. Good writing material.

When I have to be confrontational about something important. Good writing material.

When my heart is broken. Good writing material.

"Good writing material" is basically my response to life in general. At the beginning of my freshman year, over two years ago, I emailed my cousin Faith (check out her extreme epicness here) about some things (by things I mean people) I was struggling with. Among lots of awesome advice, she told me that, if anything, at least I was gaining good writing material.

Upon reading this, I stood up and put my hand in the air, exclaiming, "PREACH SISTA!" In my mind, at least.

This concept was not new to me, but Faith's email reminded me that all the things that happened to me were mine. I could do whatever I wanted with them. I could let them fester, let them make me bitter, and drown in self-pity.

Or I could just acknowledge the hurt, give it to God, learn from it, and write it out.

From experience, the second option is much better, for everyone involved.

Some people are just too perfect (for better or for worse) to keep out of the pages of my book. My current MS is dripping with characters that are pulled together from people I've encountered. As writers, we're supposed to write about what we know, right? We're supposed to write realistically, believably...I've found that the best way to do that is pull from past experiences.

When I write, all the things I've always wanted to say just come out. I can fix mistakes. I can heal my heart. I can be new. Justice gets served to the people who've wronged me. When I write, I'm not different. I'm who I am supposed to be.

As for the song Famous, it has become my writing theme song. Especially when it comes to my villains-I-mean-people who've hurt me. Write it out, y'all.

http://see-you-n-tea.tumblr.com/image/45351777452

Life: Lessons and Ramblings

Life.

What comes to mind when you hear this word? Or in this instance, read it?  What does the word "life" mean to you?

Right now, I'd say life as meaning a crazy-wonderful-unexpected-heartbreaking-courage-building-making-me-fearless adventure. 

I'm a stubborn person. In one of my earliest posts, I wrote about a lesson one of the characters I wrote about taught me. A lesson I refused to learn for a time. I'm that way with a lot of things in life, I guess. For example, I constantly think that I know what will happen next. I think that I know what is going on. I think I am in control. 

Well, guess what I constantly have to remind myself? 

Number One: life is unexpected and one usually doesn't know what will happen next. Example? Many of you (if not all of you) know that I am moving to Toledo, Ohio. Well, our house closing was on Friday, April 5th and we didn't have a house to move into. (That's a long story in itself-- we thought we had a house, but it fell through upon the inspection.) So, we are now living with my wonderful grandparents about two hours away from Toledo, where my dad is working.

Number Two: more is usually going on with life than meets the eye. Many of you also may know that I've had a really rough year school-wise. This has been the first year since second grade that I have attended a "brick-and-mortar" school (I was homeschooled for third grade through eighth grade). So, that was a pretty big change in itself; I was learning in a whole new way, dealing with homework, teachers, and kids my age on a daily basis. 

Needless to say, it was hard. It was difficult. It was heartbreaking and left me feeling so worn. At times, I felt  lonely and it took all my strength to get out of bed each morning and plaster a smile on my face. It was so hard to just keep going through the motions, pretending that I was ok with everything, when I totally wasn't. And then add the whole "surprise-we-might-be-moving-to-Toledo!" drama.

But God was at work through all that. On my last day of school before we moved, many people shared stories of how I touched their lives. The story that touched me the most was an email that one girl sent me. She told me how much my openness about my faith encouraged her to be open about her faith. She told me that I encouraged her to have a stronger faith in Jesus.

Of course, I believe it wasn't just me who encouraged her. I believe God used me to encourage her. But this story really struck me because I probably spoke to this girl five times, at most. And our conversations were never at great length, but consisted of a "hey" in the hallways. This stuck me so much though because so many times this year, I have cried out to God in desperation. I have begged Him to show me the purpose of what I was going through. So, although I thought that I was pointlessly at school, "suffering," I was not at all. People were touching me, I was touching them, and God was strengthening my own faith and trust in Him.

Number Three: I am not in control. God is, and His plans are so much greater than mine. God so knows what He is doing. My mom told me once this year that God never allows us to go through anything that we can't handle. I truly believe this. I believe that everything we go through, we go through for a reason. Whether it is a bad year at school, a broken friendship, a death, or a rejection by a publisher, there is a reason. We are growing stronger and learning so much about ourselves.

So what is the sum of my ramblings? I know this isn't really a religious-y blog, if you will, but I really want to share this with you, dear readers. I don't write these things to make you feel bad for me or to pat myself on the back. I simply hope that perhaps my "ramblings" will touch you, with whatever you are going through in life.

Remember: life is unexpected and one usually doesn't know what will happen next, more is usually going on with life than meets the eye, we are not in control. May God bless you, my wonderful blog readers. You all mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for giving me the chance to express myself to you=)