Divine MERCY Encounter

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.


A year ago this weekend, I made a DME retreat in my hometown of Erie, PA. It was insane.

A little background on the retreat...DME (Divine Mercy Encounter) was originally TEC (To Encounter Christ). My dad's parents were actually influential in bringing TEC to Cleveland, and my mom helped in bringing TEC from Cleveland to Erie,  before she even knew my dad, which I find slightly adorably hilarious. My parents both helped in running the retreats in Erie years ago, before I was even born, and remained involved when I was little. Needless to say, I was excited about making this retreat as my family had been a big part of it.

A little background on me going into the retreat...it had been an interesting school year. I had finally committed to praying every day in January and was heavily discerning God's will for my life and how to let Him influence every part of me. I was coming to grips with a lot that had happened to me before I had let Jesus into my life in a radical way.

I was realizing that I had a lot of hurt that I was holding in...pain I had been clinging to, thinking that I was stuck with it forever. I was also realizing that I had a lot of people to forgive. And I felt so lost, because I didn't know where to begin or what forgiveness even looked like.

So. I went on this retreat, expecting great things, but unsure of what exactly those things would be.

I could never, ever could have been prepared for what happened.

I got to this retreat and was immediately so blessed by the people who were working it. I had grown up with a lot of these wonderful men and women and it was incredible to journey with them towards holiness for the weekend (and even beyond).

At the retreat, we were separated into groups, and one of my group leaders was an amazing woman from the school I went to my freshman year. Anna's joy rooted in the love of Jesus was so tangible and I saw God in everything that she said and did. She listened and talked to me like I was the only person in the room. That’s how she treated every single person she came into contact with. We shared so many tears, so much laughter, and an insane amount of love.

Anna's love for me broke a lot of chains that were holding me back. I was carrying a lot of hurt from feeling rejected and alone freshman year, and God totally used her love to heal me. Not only did He use her love, but He used the love of a few other girls on retreat also from the same school. They showed me the love of Christ by encouraging me, by accepting me, by loving me...not for anything I said or did, but just because of who I am.

All those at DME showered me with Christ's love. They treated me as a beautiful, new creation...someone worthy of love. People I had never met as well as people I hadn't seen in years took time to show me that not only was I lovable, but that I was worth loving. Through words and actions, people showed me that I show them Jesus Christ, simply by being myself.

That just broke down so many barriers that I had put up. I had become so bitter towards so many, including myself, I had lost faith, I had lost trust...and the LOVE of this community showed me the immense MERCY of Jesus and melted everything else away.

I was okay. I was made new, I was emptied. I remember being in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and just being. Just praising Him with every part of me. Resting in His love.

I encountered Mercy in a new, personal way that weekend. I encountered a God who accepts me for who I am, because that is who He created me to be. I encountered Love, who takes my hand and leads me forward without a mention of what is behind. The community at DME showed me that I am not alone. Not only do I have Jesus Christ living inside of me, but I am not by myself on this journey.

I was so overwhelmed by the love and mercy of Jesus Christ that weekend. I was so overwhelmed by His sacrifice for me...and His love exploding in my heart. I began recognizing Him in every memory, especially the painful ones. I saw how this community was loving my heart to life and the immense power of this love.

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in those community rooms forever, just praising Jesus and growing in community. I literally felt sick to my stomach the last day...because I had encountered mercy. I had encountered love. I had encountered friendship as Christ intended it to be: pure, selfless love.

But the cool thing about the retreat is that I'm still on it. I'm still living the Fourth Day, as it is called. And on this Fourth Day, God has put into my heart a desire to just bring everyone this love and mercy I experienced at DME. I can't imagine having ever lived without it and I can't bear to think that anyone could think him-or-herself unloved.

This retreat set a deeper fire in my heart for Jesus and set the stage for some incredible experiences that I had later in the year. Honestly, though, all of the amazing things God has done in my life since then would not have been possible without DME...God removed so much pain and sorrow from my heart in order for me to truly love and be loved.

All I want to do is love on people. Not that I don't get annoyed with certain ones or hurt by others, but I just want to love. I want people to look into my eyes and see the attentive, personal love of Christ. I want people to read my words and come to recognize the mercy of God.

Our love has power, friends. You were created in the Image and Likeness of Love Himself...what a priceless gift. You are loved and you are given love to, well, love with.

Let's let Jesus love through us, pointing towards His infinite mercy.

I'm praying for you always.

Kick Butt & Learning to be Tender

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

*conjoined K and L post*

I am sassy person. Which I'm sure comes as a surprise to all of you.

Please, allow me to share with you a moment when the Sass and Savage of Anne Marie Schlueter was greatly manifested. 

It was sophomore year. If you've been following this month, a lot of heartache went down sophomore year. It was a time in my life when God showed me a lot...which paved the way for a lot of spiritual growth. Which is awesome. Just not in the moment sometimes.

Anyway, sophomore year. There was this guy I knew who was kind of being a drama queen about me not liking him, which I wasn't handling well. After months of ridiculous drama, I found out that he had been telling people that I had called him a really really really really really bad word.

Funny thing...I hadn't even known that said word was a word. Therefore, I couldn't have said it, obviously. 

By the end of the day when the rumors were going around, I was ticked off to the point of tears. I was honestly not a jerk (usually) and appearances were huge to me-- the Perfect Little Catholic Girl did not use such language. 

So I was in the hallway after school when yet another "Hey Annie, I heard what you called--"

And I snapped. Tears burning my eyes, I threw my backpack across the hall and smack into the wall. My friends looked at me, aghast, trying to calm me down. But it was too late.

"I'm going into the work out room. Come with me." I knew that this guy was in there and I was absolutely done. Y'all do not want to see done Annie. 

So, I walked down that hallway. I remember exactly what I was wearing: cotton blue skinny jeans and gray high heeled boots that made an awesome sound when I walked. My hair was curled. I was mad. And I looked like a boss. 

I threw the doors to the work out room open and stormed inside, Black Widow style. I bellowed his name for everyone to hear. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING EVERYONE THAT I CALLED YOU THAT?"

"Could you go away," he mumbled, lifting weights (that were probably four pounds). 

"NO I WILL NOT GO AWAY, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT I SAID THAT WORD, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A WORD!!"

"Because Hannah told me you said--"

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN-- NO, NO SHE DIDN'T AND NO I DIDN'T."

"Whatever."

"AND YOU NEED TO STOP." 

Boom. Turn. Sass walk back out of the room. Followed by my back up singers friends. I feel like the conversation (aka me yelling) was actually much longer, but that's the basic gist.

Awkward side note: my Theology was actually present during this whole show down and I was absolutely certain that he was going to kill me the next day. But he didn't...he actually told me that I did a great job. And then he told a bunch of the other teachers...and the president, who all applauded my sass. Awkward awkward awkward.

But had I actually done a great job?

I had an image in my head of this Scarlett Johansson version of myself, not taking any crap from anyone. I know that there are times when we do need to stick up for ourselves. Sometimes we do need to be the ones to take on the dragon and go all gangsta on the world. But had that been one of those times that warranted the machine guns? 

I really don't know if my little (big) scene was good or bad. I don't think my intentions were good-- they were pretty selfish, to be honest. I didn't want people to think badly of me because what people thought about me, defined me. Also, I was actually being a drama queen and wanting people to talk about me for doing something kick butt.

I wanted to be seen as being in control of the world. Perhaps I even wanted to prove to myself that no one could talk like that about me and get away with it.

In my "big confrontation", I was so worried about how I looked. I was worried about how people perceived me. I was putting on this big ol' kick butt show because I wanted to show that I was tough. And that's what everyone saw and talked about for a while after: a girl who is tough, who shouldn't be messed with.

But if they would have kept watching...they would have seen a Broken Little Not Perfect Catholic Girl who sobbed the whole thirty minute drive home. They would have seen a girl who didn't talk to her family that night and who cried herself to sleep. Because she was genuinely hurt by the rumors and upset that she was so hurt by them. She regretted her screaming, she regretted her display of kick buttness.

You know what I have discovered is even more kick butt than being kick butt? Tenderness. Take a look at this picture: 

http://newlife.id.au/christian-theology/mary-consoles-eve/

I love this picture so much. On the left stands Eve, who is naked and ashamed. She's ashamed of herself, ashamed of her sin, ashamed of the mess that she has created. The snake (Satan) is wrapped around her leg, still trying to claim her as his own, to draw her even deeper into his deceit. A lot of times, I really feel like Eve here.

Mary, the Mother of God, stands simply in front of her. Her eyes are full of emotion, dripping with love and the desire for Eve to be free. Eve's gaze is turned sorrowfully downward, but Mary's eyes don't look away. Her sinless hand touches Eve's shame-filled face and her hand brings Eve's touch to rest on her Savior.

The best part is at the bottom of the picture, where the most kick butt thing ever is going on. MARY IS CRUSHING THE HEAD OF THE SERPENT. Satan no longer belongs, he no longer has control here. Love has won.

To me, this is how I want to be kick butt. I want to see the real enemy (Satan, not Eve) and take him out. And how does Satan get taken out? Let's look at the cross...by suffering and death to self. By love.

Obviously, love doesn't mean we have to throw our personality out the window! I'm betting that I'll probably be sassy my whole life. But I don't want to use my sass to act like some crazy tough superhero...I want Jesus to use my sass to bring Himself glory. 

We don't have to act like we have it together because we don't. We don't have to act like we're in control because we're not. We don't have to hide behind masks because not one of us is perfect, so we can all be imperfect together.

Tenderness. The world needs more of it in this culture of "every man for himself". What if we, instead of getting mad at our enemies, treated them the way Mary treats Eve in this picture? Can we look at those who have hurt us with the same love and respect? Because that's what we're called to do. 

The thing about my display of rough-and-toughness sophomore year was that it pointed directly towards me. I was SO MAD at this guy for lying about me, I didn't want people to think badly about me. The thing about tenderness is that it points towards something greater.

I didn't even stop to think about what might be going on inside this guy's heart, his head...what issues with other people might be influencing his actions towards me. I thought I could snap in a z formation and, boom, problem solved. But in reality, it created more hurt and drama. 

If I would have extended forgiveness, if I would have love this person not because of how he was treating me but because of who he was in Christ...wow. I think that would have had a greater impact than any amount of sass walking and screaming could have. 

So, my dear brothers and sisters, let's embrace tenderness. Let's look on people with love and understanding. Let's be Mary in a world full of Eve. 

Let's bring Jesus to a broken world.

I'm praying for you always.

Joy!

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

Joy is a slippery word. It's not happiness and it's not a feeling...it's something much deeper and longer lasting.

I always wanted to be joyful. However, I used to not know what that meant, so I kind of gave up on it for a while. There have been many periods throughout the past three years when I allowed the stresses of school, family, and friends to rob my joy. It wasn't even a fight-- at the first sign of struggle, I threw my hands up and out went the joy.

Joy. I used to think it was something you had to work towards with everything you have in you. I thought it was an attainable virtue, and without it, you weren't a Good Enough Christian. And, unfortunately, a lot of the time, I just didn't care because it was too hard.

I had tried so many times to be joyful. No matter what I did, I could not be joyful. Sometimes, life's stresses were just too much. I felt like they were crushing, that they couldn't be figured out. And until they were figured out, I couldn't be joyful.

So I wasn't.

After I realized Christ's intimate love for me sophomore year, my life began to undergo a lot of changes, slowly but surely. One of these was giving up drama.

"Wait!" exclaims you, the confused reader. "I thought this blog post was about joy!"

"Hush," returns I. "Keep reading."

Anyway. Before letting Jesus really transform me, I had a drama addiction. I ran on gossip, telling and listening to it. What else was there to talk about, besides everyone else's problems? Also, I felt the need to share my problems with other people who really weren't involved. I was looking to fix everyone else and be fixed by everyone else. It's a hard cycle to break.

I'm all about telling our personal, transformative stories. But we have to look at the context as well as our intentions. Are we sharing our stories because we want to point to the love of Jesus? Or are we pointing to ourselves?

I let my thirst for drama overtake my thirst for joy. Not only that, but y'all-- I'm a control freak. I have a tendency to think I need to fix everyone and everything and that it all comes down to me, every failure and every success.

Haha...yeah right. So not true.

I had a really hard time trusting God with everything. Every moment, every relationship, every test, my future...all of it.

And yet I wondered why I was not joyful.

Well, here's the deal: joy, like every good thing, is not something that we can just go on Amazon and order. That's our attitude towards it sometimes, isn't it? And it's also not something we just obtain by being really good and never getting mad at everyone.

Joy comes from God. It's a gift; like grace, it isn't something we earn.

Slowly, as I began surrendering more to God, I began receiving His joy. I have discovered that it is when I am aware that I am out of control and know the least about my future that I am the most joyful. The world would tell me, in that instance, that I should be seriously concerned. But why should I worry when I have the heart of the One who has conquered death!? I would so much rather He be in control than me.

The less of us and our stuff that clutters our hearts...the more of God and His joy. We can't receive His joy (or any of His other goodness!) when our hearts are cluttered. So, we must pray to be receive the graces to open ourselves to receive His joy.

This joy is so powerful that it can be clung to in the hardest of times because true joy is not rooted in current circumstances. True joy is rooted in Jesus Christ and His victory over the grave.

A moment of tangible joy in my life occurred quite recently...but it counts because I'm still in high school for the next month.

Friends, I have had a disappointing past couple of months. I felt like God was calling me to give a year up to Him doing missionary work in the US with an organization that puts on middle and high school retreats. I was so, so, so excited about this...I applied and interviewed and THEN...was asked to reapply in a year or so. Although I strongly knew in that moment that this was God's will, it still hurt.

Then, looking at colleges...my top college choice, Franciscan University of Steubenville, was incredibly out of my price range and is kind of known for not giving a whole lot of scholarships and financial aid. I was still hopeful, though, knowing that if God wanted me there, He would provide. After I received my financial aid package, I found out that it wasn't going to be enough. I know that this was part of God's will. It still hurt.

That same day, I was asked to be a counselor for a week at an amazing Catholic summer camp. Which was awesome...except that I had applied to be a staff member for the entire summer and really felt called to it. So once again, I accepted this as God's will and continued to hurt.

When God shuts doors, He still invites us to have joy. Because He is always, always working, as long as there is air in our lungs and even after that.

But y'all...it still hurts. I'm still figuring this life thing out. Even though I might be better at some things than others, I still struggle. I was really struggling with joy in these moments. I was doing everything out of a desire to serve God-- why wasn't He coming through and opening these doors I was trying to walk through?!

The day after I found out about the summer camp, I stopped crying, got out of my bed, and got dressed, thinking about the story of David in the bible, after God punishes him for his lack of purity and murderous actions by taking his son. While his son was sick, David mourned and wore sackcloth and fasted, but when he died, David rose and dressed and ate. When questioned about this, he said that when his son was alive, there was still hope of him not dying but now his son was dead and so, life must go on. Essentially, God gives and takes away.

God gives and takes away. With this mindset, I just said to Him: "God, I am on empty. I literally cannot be joyful and I do not even want to be joyful. But Jesus, you give me joy, so-- I surrender my pain and my illusion of control. Fill me with your joy."

Bam. Joy. Literally, in that moment, I was filled with so much peace and joy and the awareness that God was not finished. This joy did not come from any person and it did not come from my surroundings...if it did, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed.

Less than an hour later, I received an email. This email was from one of the camp guys, inviting me to be a part of the Program Mission Staff. WHAT?! That kind of stuff doesn't happen!

Except it does-- because God has a plan. He knows what He is doing. I found out about staff just when I was supposed to...and I'm so glad I did. I felt like in that moment, before I asked for joy, Jesus had asked me: "Do you trust me? Then get out of the boat and come to me."

In that moment, my boat was lack of trust and self-pity. But God invited me to give that up for His peace and joy...and by His grace, I was able to walk upon the waves. He is so cool.

What is the boat that is preventing you from reaching out to joy? Brothers and sisters, let's let go of ourselves, of our control, and of our drama. God can do some pretty amazing things-- let Him be your drama fix.

Don't be discouraged when joy doesn't come immediately-- sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. But in everything, ask the Lord to fill you with His perpetual joy. There are still many areas in my life where I struggle with joy. But I have hope that God is working in these areas and opening my heart to receive a greater joy.

Together, let's get out of the boat and run to joy.

I'm praying for you always.

For You

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

Today I discovered a poem I wrote March of my junior year (about a year ago). It really touched me because it captures an awakening that was going on within my soul...

That January, I had realized that I wanted to be so in love with Jesus that nothing else mattered. I also realized that I wanted to do everything I possibly could to attain this relationship. That was when my faith really became active. My knees hit the ground. 

I made a commitment to pray every day...again. I'd made that commitment so many times. This time, however, it was coupled with a burning desire. I had seen what my life was like without God. I was feeling pretty alone in life and as I was growing closer to God, I was noticing that I was drifting a part from a lot of my friends. Not that any of them are bad people at all...I really believe that God just wanted to purify me and have some "just Annie time". 

Anyway. A lot of people (myself included at times) get really angry at God for allowing them to go through certain things. Personally, I know I questioned Him a lot about why He had allowed me to grow so distant from Him sophomore year. I have come to actually be grateful for that time. I hate that I sinned...but it really gave me a huge heart for sinners. Who is a sinner? All of us!

I have learned that God lets us go through everything for a reason, even sin. I genuinely believe this. 

Let me again share Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

Because I know what it's like to run from God, I want to spend my life leading people back to Him. Because I know what it's like to hate one's self, I want to spend my life sharing how each person is individually created, called, and crowned. Because I know what it's like to feel rejection, I want to spend my life showing Christ's love and acceptance. Because I know what it is like to use, I want to spend my life teaching the dignity of each life. 

I don't find my value in bringing people to Christ, however awesome and humbling that might be. I don't feel like I have to "make it up to Jesus" by "saving people"-- Jesus already did the saving and any Truth that I might share is His.

But I have seen brokenness. I have seen it in myself. I have seen it in the eyes of a girl who had been so used that, by the age of fifteen, she thought that she was completely worthless and unlovable. I have seen it in a boy who had been so rejected and abandoned that he cut himself to numb the pain. I have seen it in the lifestyle of a girl who didn't know how to come to God with her pain and so numbed it with drugs and alcohol. 

If high school has taught me anything...it has taught me that everyone is broken and everyone has a story. It has taught me that my heart longs for Jesus, that He alone can satisfy me. And it has taught me that I long to share with others the infinite, healing love of Christ.

So! This poem. I wrote it at a time when I was finally really understanding how very much we all need Jesus. Also, I was so devastated by the lies that the people around me were buying into...it's so interesting how much people change in just a couple of years. I was seeing the choices that people I love were making and how they were leading them away from Jesus...and this poem came to be.

For You

All around me

I hear cries of "where is love"

screams of desperation

alone

cold

drowning

We've all broken our hearts

placing them in paper shredders

and playing with knives

and yet we wonder

why we're always bleeding

I look around me

seeing weary eyes

tear-stained cheeks

sliced arms

Does anyone see 

what we've done

to each other

In our search for "love"

we've rejected Love Himself

And we want someone

to hold our hands

But He's holding us

We want someone to sit beside us

But He's running with us

We want someone who will stay forever

But He'll lead us there

God I'm so broken

so tired of forgiving 

of trying to love

and failing

But you knew my words

before I thought them

You hold my heart

Heal my soul

I sit here and wish for love

But I already have Him

He's got me

Love that came

was torn

beaten

wounded

for you

Who died

for you

Who came back

for you

Who 

will

never

leave

Crushes and Dating

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

*Today is the combination of letters C and D*


"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

I have learned an abundance of things about crushes and dating throughout the past few years. Strangely enough, I've never actually been in a dating relationship. But please, pull up a chair and a bowl of cookie dough, and allow me to humbly share.

I am a romantic. I feel deeply. And, y'all, I have done some preeeetty stupid things when it has come to crushes.

I went into high school with the mindset of NO DATING due to one, my parents' rule, and two, my own personal conviction. To me, it was simply illogical to enter into a high school relationship when I've always seen dating as a precursor to marriage. Not ready for marriage, not ready to date. I also saw older friends enter into high school relationships and miss out on so many other friendships with other people as well as getting to better know themselves.

It's pretty easy to have those convictions when you go to an all girls school.



On Being Crushed On

Sophomore year hit (new school-- with boys) and with it came the realization that, wow, guys liked me. Someone made the joke that year that all of the guys in our class of less than one hundred had already been through all of the girls the previous year and I was basically fresh meat.

Here's a confession: I really liked being liked. Like, liked-liked. A lot a lot.

When I found out that guys liked me that year, I did one of two things: 1. totally lead him on without intention of dating or 2. completely ignored him. Both are probably the absolute worst things I could have possibly done, given the situations.

Let me speak directly to my lady readers. We live in such a man-bashing culture where we women like to talk about how stupid and ridiculous men are. Women are definitely objectified, that's a separate issue. But men are not stupid. They have hearts, they have minds, they have dreams. 

We all have a responsibility to everyone we encounter. We can bring people closer to Love (Jesus Christ) or further away from Him. There is no middle. The people who like us are no different.

It could be argued that the responsibility increases when we're "liked". For sure, there are times when heartbreak is inevitable. But in everything we do, we have to see the "crusher" as a human being, worthy of love, made in the Image and Likeness of God. That truth is what needs to guide our actions.

I remember one of my closest friends sophomore year really liked this one girl A LOT. They were "talking" (I hate that word) for weeks before he asked her to homecoming, where he planned on asking her out. Everyone thought that she liked him and they were going to start dating...and then at homecoming, she completely stopped talking to him. He was devastated, needless to say.

Our culture is all about using. It's not "how can I give of myself for you?" it's "how can I take of you for me?"

I personally fell into that trap. I was so caught up with being emotionally filled by guys liking me that all I could think about was myself. I didn't care about the consequences for either of us, really, it was just as long as I could have that warm fuzzy feeling of acceptance and the power that it brought with it. My fear of being uncomfortable lead me to just cut off other guys that maybe would have turned out to be good friends had I not completely shut down.

There's not a formula for what to do when you're liked and you don't return the feeling. But here's a key virtue: honesty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the crusher. We need to boot the fear of being uncomfortable and the desire for emotional (and maybe even physical) pleasure from the driver's seat and instead cling to honesty, genuine love, and put others before ourselves.




On Crushing On

Hearts are a tricky thing. Liking someone is an extremely tricky thing, because there are so many levels. There are the crushes that last two minutes and then the ones that last two years. There are the ones that just fade away and then the ones that lead to life-changing heartbreak.

I am a romantic (surprise!). I like princesses and I like happy endings. I also have standards that are pretty high. I had two pretty "major" crushes in high school...and, well, I hope you still have some cookie dough left because here's where it gets good.

Crush Number One (protecting the names of the uninnocent. Or I guess guilty works) was a guy who was just really, really nice. I was kind of obsessed with him and it probably kind of showed. Y'all know, that stereotypical crush that makes you walk down certain hallways at certain times? Yep. Me. It ended pretty suddenly when at the end of the year, he just stopped talking to me. I spent all of the following summer crying about it.

Crush Number Two was, er, slipperier. We were "best friends" and hung out constantly...so it was kind of very natural. After almost a full school year, I ended that friend-or-whatever-we-were-ship because he had a girlfriend and I was so emotionally confused and it was just messy.

Both situations started the same way: with me thinking a guy was cute and then thinking about and obsessing over him so much that it escalated to a "crush". Honestly, I don't even remember why I liked either of those guys. Once again, I wanted to be emotionally filled. I would text certain things ("you're my best friend", "I love you") just to get other things texted back ("you're my best friend too!", "I love you too!").

I do know that I gave a lot of myself emotionally to both of these guys.

Because of my crush dealings, I have developed a Crush Battle Plan:

1. What are my intentions? Am I being genuine in everything? Do I want his greater good? And I am being respectful to who I am as a daughter of God?
         
2. What kind of guy is he and why do I like him? Is he a person that I would want my parents to come to know? Does he place God above all others?

3. What is going on in my life? How is my relationship with myself? With other people? With God? Am I in a place where it would be wise to enter into a relationship?

4.  What is God saying about it? Am I covering this decision in prayer?

5. Am I forcing it? Are things lining up or am I trying too hard to make it work?

Some people might argue that it's stupid to take a crush so seriously. But obviously, I'm not talking about your crush on Adam Levine; I'm talking about real, strong feelings...our emotions are REAL and STRONG-- they have power. Especially when it comes to us women. If we don't continually surrender to Jesus and allow Him to take control...things do get messy.

More than anything, we need to be grounded in God. Because no relationship is ever going to satisfy us besides the one of between the Father and His child...you.




The Taboo Subject of Dating

I have made it through high school without a boyfriend. Well, knock on wood, still about a month to go...but I think that not having a boyfriend in high school was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. Was it always easy? Nope. Especially not when all of my friends were in relationships...it got lonely. Sometimes there was even a huge temptation to feel like something was wrong with me.

But are those good reasons to enter into a relationship? Because of popularity and self esteem issues? Those are just two of a list I've come to discover why high schoolers enter into relationships:

1. Because I can't stand being alone
2. Because it's a great status symbol.
3. Because he's cute.
4. Because I need a prom date.
5. Because I need to feel something.
6. Because I like the attention. 
7. Because he needs my help; I want to make him a better person.

And so many more...

Maybe there are so high schoolers who date with better intentions. But look at what dating is meant for: for the discernment of marriage. As high school students, as teenagers-- are we ready to even think about that? 

I have seen far too many high schoolers become so lost in relationships that they forget who they are. High school is a time of self discovery. An exclusive dating relationship is meant for two people who know who they are, who are mature, and who love God more than each other. I don't really know any teens who meet that criteria. 

A big danger of high school dating is that a person can get so lost in another person that they don't get the privilege of getting to know him-or-herself. So many friendships can be missed out on too (especially with the opposite gender). I lost one of my closest friends due to her boyfriend obsession.

Not dating in high school has helped me to better discover who I am. It's helped me stay focused on my hopes and dreams and eradicating my fears. It has helped my friendships. Ultimately, it has brought me to a deeper love and understanding of Jesus Christ.

The Future

Y'all, I want to be married so so so much. I think marriage is such a beautiful thing. Maybe it's God's will and maybe it's not...so I'm just going to keep clinging to Him and His Word. I found this particularly appropriate:

"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

We don't need to run around looking for someone to like, date, or even marry. God's got it. God has a plan. Even when we mess up, He still has a plan. He has a plan for you, He has a plan for your future spouse...and guess what? He knows your heart's deepest desires and His every action is designed to satisfy your needs and true wants. 

Let's stop fighting against Him and surrender anew to His will, allowing Him to work in our lives.

Let's also remember...God gave men and women to each other, but He made our hearts for His. There is nothing in the whole world that can satisfy our heart's deepest longings besides Him.

So, let us dance with God. Let us be the best person we can be for Him, for ourselves...and then, when we're ready, He'll let the person of our dreams cut in.

I am praying for you always!

Alone

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

I have always thought of "alone" as negative, bringing on other words such as "rejection" and "abandoned". It summons memories of sobbing by myself in my room or walking through a crowded hallway, unseen.

Alone. I have experienced loneliness. 

Freshman year, I felt so alone. I remember thinking that high school was a great, big magical place, and I was so ready to kill everyone with kindness. I remembered this one girl in my second grade class who always smiled at everyone and was so, so sweet. Everyone loved her. I wanted to be like that-- liked by everyone, friends with everyone.

But then...the people I smiled at didn't all smile back. Most looked away or didn't even meet my eyes to begin with. I tried to be friends with everyone, but there must have been something wrong with my methods, because it didn't really work. 

So, I shut down. I stopped trying...and bitterness grew inside of me.

In the three years after ninth grade, so much happened. I continued to experience various forms of loneliness, but was mostly able to stifle it with "friends" (loose definition of the term at times). Until the start of this school year.

Senior year. It's a crazy thing. And the thing about the crazy thing is that it brings about a lot of change. For one reason or another, I found myself alone. The majority of my friends living out of town and having lost touch with the rest, I didn't really have anyone to just hang out with or grab coffee with or other typical friend stuff.

Loneliness. It can be crushing.

Earlier this year, I was venting on the phone to my cousin about how alone I felt. She had the most Holy Spirit-filled response: "What is God using this time to teach you? Maybe He just wants some Annie time."

That was such a huge slap in the face-- in a good way. 

Maybe He just wants some Annie time.

We're so quick to be negative about when we're alone. But maybe our loneliness is a reminder of something more...that we weren't created for this world. We weren't created to be satisfied by these people that surround us. Loneliness is a scream from our hearts for God.

Because without Him, even what we see as the "best" of relationships is absolutely pointless.

I have come to believe that Jesus has allowed me to go through times of loneliness to get rid of the temptation to fill myself with other people. In times of loneliness, Jesus has showed me that He alone can fill me and that He alone will remain faithful.

I ask God "why" all the time, especially when I've gone through alone time. A verse that really answers that question is Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

So what is my need? My ultimate need? To be filled by God, to let Him completely take over in every part of my life. Perhaps God chooses loneliness to satisfy that longing in our hearts for Him, by removing the distractions of other people.

Let's allow our loneliness to point us to a God whose arms are continually open and beckoning, despite wherever we've been. St. Paul tells us to rejoice in all things, so let us rejoice in the times when we feel alone!

And here's the best part: God will fill our hearts. It's not something we have to convince Him to do; He already longs to. Just think: when we're feeling alone or rejected, we feel but a shadow of His heart. Think of all of the people living without God, continually rejecting Him...and we've been a part of that very boat.

Jesus Christ alone can fill us. He alone can heal our lonely hearts. So let's surrender anew each day to His awesome, powerful love.

Liebster Award + A to Z Theme Reveal

Happy Monday, friends! I hope the start to your spring is much more relaxing than mine. Senior year, college stuff, and work are far scarier and more demanding than the monsters that lived in my closet in days of yore. Prayers for energy and focus and peace would be much appreciated.

I was recently nominated for the Liebster Award by Abi from over at The Left-Handed Typist. Abi is incredibly sweet, funny, and left handed. Also, she has a very sincere, fresh writing style, so definitely check out her blog. Despite my admiration for the amazing Abi, I have to break the rules a bit by not actually nominating anyone. However, I did come up with questions, so if you want to answer in the comments or on your blog, that would be sweet!

1. What's the story behind your blog's name?

I started AM Station the summer before my freshman year of high school (coming up on four years!). I don't really remember how the name came into play...I remember sitting on my bedroom floor in PA, figuring out the formatting with my (very obliging) cousin. I feel like my dad suggested a name that lead to "AM Station"...or maybe he just flat out suggested it...either way, I guess he gets some credit. Obviously, it's a play off of FM or AM radio, and since my name is Anne Marie...it works.

2. What is your favorite stage of writing?

Ah, such a great (and hard) question! I love all the stages for different reasons. I'll go with first draft. I love planning and plotting and then finally being able to let the characters and story just come to life.

3. Where/in what conditions do you write the best?

No one can be around. I don't work well when there are people around me because I feel like someone is always staring at me. Doesn't matter if it's in my living room or in a coffee shop, I'm just too distracted. Besides that, there really isn't any other criteria. I usually write in my bedroom, which is bright yellow, at my purple desk right at my window, which overlooks a pretty decent size woods. 

4. What is a country you would like to visit?
England. I love English culture and accents and a decent percent of my blood is English.

5. What is your favorite historical period?

I like too many! I really like the 20s, 40s, and 50s.

6. What is your favorite dessert?

I'm actually somewhat picky about desserts. If I'm going to consume the calories, it's got to be worth it. Dry donuts and cakey brownies are the worst. Also I can't stand overly sugary frosting and cake that isn't moist. Not the biggest crunchy cookie fan either. And don't even get me started on pies...I cannot do pie crust. Apple, fruit, whatever. Blueberry is kind of okay. I would have to say ice-cream is one place where I am rarely disappointed. Except this past summer, my dad kept getting all of this ice-cream from a local ice-cream place that was in their mess-up freezer...kind of tasted like creamy cardboard plastic.

7. What's the furthest you've ever been from home?

Destin, Florida, which is fourteen hours away. We went on vacation there this past November and it was incredible.

8. What is your earliest memory?

Hmm...earliest. I'm just going to tweak it to "early". My first bed was a king size (since then, I downgraded to a double, then a twin, and now I'm back up to a queen) that literally took up the majority of my bedroom. Anyway. I remember very vividly lining up my multitudes of stuffed animals and dolls and telling them stories. Also, the staircase to the attic/playroom was in my bedroom, and I was convinced that Michael Alvin (a bad guy of my imagination) lived up there. As long as I was under my covers with my buddies, though, I was safe.

9. What is your happy place?

My happy place is anywhere in prayer. If I can be in the presence of Jesus...what more could I ask for?

10. If you could pick one author/screenwriter to meet, who would it be?
Jane Austen.

11. What is your favorite book adapted movie/show?

Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version.

Now, for my questions:
1. Favorite ice-cream flavor?
2. Awkward/embarrassing childhood hobby?
3. Crazy dream job (un-writing related)?
4. Fine point or ultra fine point sharpie?
5. Current favorite song?
6. Captain America or Iron Man?
7. Favorite scene in current WIP?
8. Who is Jesus Christ to you?
9. Flip-flops or sneakers in the summer?
10. Write me a poem.
11. Post a picture of a hair cut that you want but would be too scared to ever get.

There you have it!

WAIT! Don't leave yet, there's more!

For the second year in a row, I'm doing the A TO Z CHALLENGE! Which is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done, since I'm already drowning in all sorts of deadlines that have serious implications for my future. Plus I had a great theme idea and I've prayed a lot about it so I am going to do my best to get it done!

(For those unaware, the A to Z is a challenge where bloggers attempted to blog thematically from the letter "a" to "z" every day in April, save Sundays.)

So....theme music. For my theme reveal. The reveal of my theme. My theme's reveal. The reveal which corresponds to my theme.

Ahem.

EVERYTHING I LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL: Letters to my High School Self

Well, maybe not everything I've learned...but the biggies. Senior year has brought out so much reflectiveness (not a word, whatever, I didn't learn to spell in high school obviously) in my self, which is saying a lot, because I'm a pretty reflective person. Anyway, I have had a very unique (or at least, I like to think so) high school experience and have been looking for an opportunity to dive into my story.

What will you see if you chose to stick around during April? You'll see the grace of God at work, and all of the tears, heartbreak, laughter, and joy that it brings.

Like I wrote in my last post, we have to tell our stories. We simply have to. God gave them to use for a reason, a long with words and fingers to write. So, dear friends, I hope you'll read my stories...they are my gift to you.

Have a blessed Holy Week.