Divine MERCY Encounter

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.


A year ago this weekend, I made a DME retreat in my hometown of Erie, PA. It was insane.

A little background on the retreat...DME (Divine Mercy Encounter) was originally TEC (To Encounter Christ). My dad's parents were actually influential in bringing TEC to Cleveland, and my mom helped in bringing TEC from Cleveland to Erie,  before she even knew my dad, which I find slightly adorably hilarious. My parents both helped in running the retreats in Erie years ago, before I was even born, and remained involved when I was little. Needless to say, I was excited about making this retreat as my family had been a big part of it.

A little background on me going into the retreat...it had been an interesting school year. I had finally committed to praying every day in January and was heavily discerning God's will for my life and how to let Him influence every part of me. I was coming to grips with a lot that had happened to me before I had let Jesus into my life in a radical way.

I was realizing that I had a lot of hurt that I was holding in...pain I had been clinging to, thinking that I was stuck with it forever. I was also realizing that I had a lot of people to forgive. And I felt so lost, because I didn't know where to begin or what forgiveness even looked like.

So. I went on this retreat, expecting great things, but unsure of what exactly those things would be.

I could never, ever could have been prepared for what happened.

I got to this retreat and was immediately so blessed by the people who were working it. I had grown up with a lot of these wonderful men and women and it was incredible to journey with them towards holiness for the weekend (and even beyond).

At the retreat, we were separated into groups, and one of my group leaders was an amazing woman from the school I went to my freshman year. Anna's joy rooted in the love of Jesus was so tangible and I saw God in everything that she said and did. She listened and talked to me like I was the only person in the room. That’s how she treated every single person she came into contact with. We shared so many tears, so much laughter, and an insane amount of love.

Anna's love for me broke a lot of chains that were holding me back. I was carrying a lot of hurt from feeling rejected and alone freshman year, and God totally used her love to heal me. Not only did He use her love, but He used the love of a few other girls on retreat also from the same school. They showed me the love of Christ by encouraging me, by accepting me, by loving me...not for anything I said or did, but just because of who I am.

All those at DME showered me with Christ's love. They treated me as a beautiful, new creation...someone worthy of love. People I had never met as well as people I hadn't seen in years took time to show me that not only was I lovable, but that I was worth loving. Through words and actions, people showed me that I show them Jesus Christ, simply by being myself.

That just broke down so many barriers that I had put up. I had become so bitter towards so many, including myself, I had lost faith, I had lost trust...and the LOVE of this community showed me the immense MERCY of Jesus and melted everything else away.

I was okay. I was made new, I was emptied. I remember being in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and just being. Just praising Him with every part of me. Resting in His love.

I encountered Mercy in a new, personal way that weekend. I encountered a God who accepts me for who I am, because that is who He created me to be. I encountered Love, who takes my hand and leads me forward without a mention of what is behind. The community at DME showed me that I am not alone. Not only do I have Jesus Christ living inside of me, but I am not by myself on this journey.

I was so overwhelmed by the love and mercy of Jesus Christ that weekend. I was so overwhelmed by His sacrifice for me...and His love exploding in my heart. I began recognizing Him in every memory, especially the painful ones. I saw how this community was loving my heart to life and the immense power of this love.

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in those community rooms forever, just praising Jesus and growing in community. I literally felt sick to my stomach the last day...because I had encountered mercy. I had encountered love. I had encountered friendship as Christ intended it to be: pure, selfless love.

But the cool thing about the retreat is that I'm still on it. I'm still living the Fourth Day, as it is called. And on this Fourth Day, God has put into my heart a desire to just bring everyone this love and mercy I experienced at DME. I can't imagine having ever lived without it and I can't bear to think that anyone could think him-or-herself unloved.

This retreat set a deeper fire in my heart for Jesus and set the stage for some incredible experiences that I had later in the year. Honestly, though, all of the amazing things God has done in my life since then would not have been possible without DME...God removed so much pain and sorrow from my heart in order for me to truly love and be loved.

All I want to do is love on people. Not that I don't get annoyed with certain ones or hurt by others, but I just want to love. I want people to look into my eyes and see the attentive, personal love of Christ. I want people to read my words and come to recognize the mercy of God.

Our love has power, friends. You were created in the Image and Likeness of Love Himself...what a priceless gift. You are loved and you are given love to, well, love with.

Let's let Jesus love through us, pointing towards His infinite mercy.

I'm praying for you always.

Kick Butt & Learning to be Tender

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

*conjoined K and L post*

I am sassy person. Which I'm sure comes as a surprise to all of you.

Please, allow me to share with you a moment when the Sass and Savage of Anne Marie Schlueter was greatly manifested. 

It was sophomore year. If you've been following this month, a lot of heartache went down sophomore year. It was a time in my life when God showed me a lot...which paved the way for a lot of spiritual growth. Which is awesome. Just not in the moment sometimes.

Anyway, sophomore year. There was this guy I knew who was kind of being a drama queen about me not liking him, which I wasn't handling well. After months of ridiculous drama, I found out that he had been telling people that I had called him a really really really really really bad word.

Funny thing...I hadn't even known that said word was a word. Therefore, I couldn't have said it, obviously. 

By the end of the day when the rumors were going around, I was ticked off to the point of tears. I was honestly not a jerk (usually) and appearances were huge to me-- the Perfect Little Catholic Girl did not use such language. 

So I was in the hallway after school when yet another "Hey Annie, I heard what you called--"

And I snapped. Tears burning my eyes, I threw my backpack across the hall and smack into the wall. My friends looked at me, aghast, trying to calm me down. But it was too late.

"I'm going into the work out room. Come with me." I knew that this guy was in there and I was absolutely done. Y'all do not want to see done Annie. 

So, I walked down that hallway. I remember exactly what I was wearing: cotton blue skinny jeans and gray high heeled boots that made an awesome sound when I walked. My hair was curled. I was mad. And I looked like a boss. 

I threw the doors to the work out room open and stormed inside, Black Widow style. I bellowed his name for everyone to hear. 

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING EVERYONE THAT I CALLED YOU THAT?"

"Could you go away," he mumbled, lifting weights (that were probably four pounds). 

"NO I WILL NOT GO AWAY, WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT I SAID THAT WORD, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS A WORD!!"

"Because Hannah told me you said--"

"WHAT ARE YOU EVEN-- NO, NO SHE DIDN'T AND NO I DIDN'T."

"Whatever."

"AND YOU NEED TO STOP." 

Boom. Turn. Sass walk back out of the room. Followed by my back up singers friends. I feel like the conversation (aka me yelling) was actually much longer, but that's the basic gist.

Awkward side note: my Theology was actually present during this whole show down and I was absolutely certain that he was going to kill me the next day. But he didn't...he actually told me that I did a great job. And then he told a bunch of the other teachers...and the president, who all applauded my sass. Awkward awkward awkward.

But had I actually done a great job?

I had an image in my head of this Scarlett Johansson version of myself, not taking any crap from anyone. I know that there are times when we do need to stick up for ourselves. Sometimes we do need to be the ones to take on the dragon and go all gangsta on the world. But had that been one of those times that warranted the machine guns? 

I really don't know if my little (big) scene was good or bad. I don't think my intentions were good-- they were pretty selfish, to be honest. I didn't want people to think badly of me because what people thought about me, defined me. Also, I was actually being a drama queen and wanting people to talk about me for doing something kick butt.

I wanted to be seen as being in control of the world. Perhaps I even wanted to prove to myself that no one could talk like that about me and get away with it.

In my "big confrontation", I was so worried about how I looked. I was worried about how people perceived me. I was putting on this big ol' kick butt show because I wanted to show that I was tough. And that's what everyone saw and talked about for a while after: a girl who is tough, who shouldn't be messed with.

But if they would have kept watching...they would have seen a Broken Little Not Perfect Catholic Girl who sobbed the whole thirty minute drive home. They would have seen a girl who didn't talk to her family that night and who cried herself to sleep. Because she was genuinely hurt by the rumors and upset that she was so hurt by them. She regretted her screaming, she regretted her display of kick buttness.

You know what I have discovered is even more kick butt than being kick butt? Tenderness. Take a look at this picture: 

http://newlife.id.au/christian-theology/mary-consoles-eve/

I love this picture so much. On the left stands Eve, who is naked and ashamed. She's ashamed of herself, ashamed of her sin, ashamed of the mess that she has created. The snake (Satan) is wrapped around her leg, still trying to claim her as his own, to draw her even deeper into his deceit. A lot of times, I really feel like Eve here.

Mary, the Mother of God, stands simply in front of her. Her eyes are full of emotion, dripping with love and the desire for Eve to be free. Eve's gaze is turned sorrowfully downward, but Mary's eyes don't look away. Her sinless hand touches Eve's shame-filled face and her hand brings Eve's touch to rest on her Savior.

The best part is at the bottom of the picture, where the most kick butt thing ever is going on. MARY IS CRUSHING THE HEAD OF THE SERPENT. Satan no longer belongs, he no longer has control here. Love has won.

To me, this is how I want to be kick butt. I want to see the real enemy (Satan, not Eve) and take him out. And how does Satan get taken out? Let's look at the cross...by suffering and death to self. By love.

Obviously, love doesn't mean we have to throw our personality out the window! I'm betting that I'll probably be sassy my whole life. But I don't want to use my sass to act like some crazy tough superhero...I want Jesus to use my sass to bring Himself glory. 

We don't have to act like we have it together because we don't. We don't have to act like we're in control because we're not. We don't have to hide behind masks because not one of us is perfect, so we can all be imperfect together.

Tenderness. The world needs more of it in this culture of "every man for himself". What if we, instead of getting mad at our enemies, treated them the way Mary treats Eve in this picture? Can we look at those who have hurt us with the same love and respect? Because that's what we're called to do. 

The thing about my display of rough-and-toughness sophomore year was that it pointed directly towards me. I was SO MAD at this guy for lying about me, I didn't want people to think badly about me. The thing about tenderness is that it points towards something greater.

I didn't even stop to think about what might be going on inside this guy's heart, his head...what issues with other people might be influencing his actions towards me. I thought I could snap in a z formation and, boom, problem solved. But in reality, it created more hurt and drama. 

If I would have extended forgiveness, if I would have love this person not because of how he was treating me but because of who he was in Christ...wow. I think that would have had a greater impact than any amount of sass walking and screaming could have. 

So, my dear brothers and sisters, let's embrace tenderness. Let's look on people with love and understanding. Let's be Mary in a world full of Eve. 

Let's bring Jesus to a broken world.

I'm praying for you always.

I'm Going To Tell My Stories

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.
I used to be incredibly afraid of telling my stories.

I didn't want to relive the pain that I had experienced through certain events and I didn't want to make people upset. For most of high school, I didn't really tell my stories-- at least, I didn't share the ones that were hard to communicate. And a lot of the time, when I did share, it was in a really gossipy way.

That's another big thing I've learned in high school. If you're hesitant about saying something, don't say it. It is so, so, so easy to fall into the trap of gossip. I'll be honest: I like excitement. A lot of times, in high school, gossiping provided that drama rush for me.

What I was really looking for, in all of the gossip, was for someone to understand whatever it was I was going through. But the thing is, the excitement fades. And sometimes, people said really great things in response...but it was never the perfect thing.

A reoccurring theme in my high school story seems to be me trying to use people to fill my heart, rather than God. It. Just. Doesn't. Work.

Anyway, I was all about telling the superficial stories of  "did you hear what she said?!" and "I can't believe he did that to me!". I talked all about things that didn't actually matter, in the long run.

Understandably, it was hard for me to talk about real, meaningful experiences. I've written before about the insecurity brought on by being bullied in grade school. I felt like when I shared my stories, I did it to be validated. Sometimes, that is what happens. But when I wasn't validated, when I didn't get the reaction I was looking for, it devalued the story. So, mostly, I just shut up.

It really wasn't until this summer that I really began telling my stories: sharing my testimony of discovering Christ's love for myself, talking about moments of extreme pain, and communicating the wonderful joys that I have experienced.

What caused the change?

 Within the span of two months, I went on an incredible retreat and then attended a life changing summer camp (more on both of those later!) and I realized that I was not alone. My mindset was that I was alone and I messed up and had to just work at it on my own and God could help too. But God used these people's love to bring me closer to His love and heal my heart.

I came to see that other people had experienced similar sufferings...and that our stories have power. I know I've already written a post on that, but it is SUCH a powerful topic that we need to understand. Our stories are nothing to be ashamed of, but are evidence of God's grace working in us and through us! THEY ARE THE KEY TO DEFEATING SATAN! Just take this verse:

"They conquered him by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony." --Revelation 12:11.

Our testimonies are powerful. I'm going to go out on a limb here and be totally original and non-cliche: with great power, comes great responsibility. I think that there is a time and a place for our stories and what we share with some people might be different than what we share with other people. And that's okay. To everything there is a season.

That is why, friends, we need to give our stories to God and stop thinking of them as "ours". In reality, our stories make up a much bigger one. His.

When I started telling my story of beginning to let God love me, I never could have imagined the wonders that He would work out of my brokenness. Recently, I was helping to lead a retreat and I gave a talk on discovering my identity as a daughter of God, where I shared a more in-depth version of this story.

Later in the day, there was an opportunity for prayer ministry, and this girl came up to pray with me. What she said gave me chills...she told me that what I had talked about was exactly what she was currently going through, in feeling not enough for God and trying to be filled with other people. WOW HOW INSANE IS THAT?!

During our time of prayer, the Holy Spirit was so present. He just came upon us and I could feel Him opening this girl up...I am so excited for what He continues to do in her life. There was another part of my story that I have only shared very selectively that I talked about that day...and another girl came to pray with me who, again, was struggling with the same exact thing.

I literally felt breathless while having the honor of praying with these young women. I couldn't believe that God was using me to bring them healing, to bring them closer to His heart. Wow. I'm literally freaking out just writing about it.

Like...God is using me. He's using my story. My pain. My brokenness. The Creator of the universe...He thinks I'm important. I am His daughter...like what?! And you're also His child. So of course what happens to us is important! And, of course, God will want to show it to the world, looking on with proud eyes, beaming: "That's my child."

There were so many different stories I was praying about telling at this retreat...and the fact that I told the one I did was pretty crazy in itself. But that's what I mean by giving God our stories...we have got. to. surrender. He divinely appointed me to share what I did to who I did when I did. He is totally and completely in control and has a plan!

"It was not you who chose me but I who chose you, and appointed you, to go and bear fruit that will remain, that whatever you ask the Father in my name, He may give you." --John 15:16.

God has chosen you. What you have experienced, you've experienced for a reason, and God WILL use it when it's surrendered. Not only that...but your efforts will bear fruit. Sharing your story is not pointless and stuff will go down.

Y'all, there are a whole lot of people living in prisons out there, thinking that's what they were made for. Let us not talk about pointless, worthless things but rather, let us share for the glory of God. I'm going to tell my stories.

Let's tell our stories.

I'm praying for you always.

Gratitude and Happiness

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

Last year, for Lent, I decided to do two (seemingly unrelated) things to become holier. One was to stop thinking negative thoughts about myself regarding my physical appearance. The other was to write letters to people who had been significant in my life.

To me, these were completely unrelated.

The whole positive-thought thing worked out really well. By the grace of God, even since then, I've been able to (for the most part) stop the "I'm so fat", "I'm so stupid", "my hair is awful"s. Honestly? It was never a huge problem to begin with, meaning that these weren't thoughts I often entertained. But I entertained them enough that it definitely made a huge different when I kicked them out. More on that and body image at the end of the month!

I was really excited about the letter writing thing. I wrote a list of people and planned to write a letter a day. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out that way...but I wrote many, many letters.

I wrote letters to old teachers. These were people who led me to Jesus, who deepened my intellect, and who were so genuinely interested in my life that they made me glad to be me. These things are big deals, you know? I began to wonder...how many people have been positively affected by teachers? And how many have actually told these amazing people how they have influenced them for the better?

I wrote letters to old friends. Some of these letters were actually kind of hard to write, because they were to people who had caused a lot of pain in my life. I didn't want them to be a rehashing of any sort, but an acknowledgement of whatever wonderfulness took place in the relationship. There is a time for honest confrontation, but I wanted these letters to be uplifting. I wanted their recipients to feel uplifted and loved, regardless of whatever had been said and done in the past. In some cases, I wanted certain people to know that I had forgiven them.

I wrote letters to people who were still in my life, who I talked to regularly. I felt like there are so many people who I see every day who don't know that they mean the world to me. I wanted to thank them for simply being them, for loving me, for encouraging me, or whatever the case may be.

I remember, mid-Lent, feeling so happy, which really confused me. My soul felt like it was constantly smiling, which was odd, because a lot was going on in my life that was giving me plenty of reasons not to smile. Nevertheless, I was inexplicably happy.

And, bam, then it hit me. Out of the blue, like this crazy April snow.

I was focused on other people. I was focused on using my words to serve them, to uplift, rather than tear down. I was focusing on the positive aspects of these relationships, rather than the negative. I was living in a spirit of gratitude, being thankful for the wonderful things that God worked through the people around me. On top of that, I wasn't being negative about myself. I wasn't even thinking about myself.

I was discovering what so many people spend their lives searching for: the key to happiness. Friends, we must forget ourselves. We must adopt attitudes of gratitude and have our eyes turned from our own limitations to the Creator who has none.

As I mentioned, some of these letters were hard to write, let alone think about. People are so powerful: we have the power to hurt and to heal, and, believe me, I've been hurt. But I've also been healed. It's amazing how God can use flawed human beings, but He does, which is so beautiful.

My norm had been (and, at times, still is) to think all about the bad things that had taken place in relationships. I had (and sometimes have) habits of thinking about these hurts every day rather than cherishing the beautiful memories and moments currently happening. Hurt does need to be acknowledged, but shouldn't it be the other way around?

I feel like this sounds like such a cliche post. But we are so, so, SO obsessed with ourselves! We are obsessed with our weight, our hair color, how we appear online, who likes us, who hurts us...at times, we don't even stop to think about what a simple "thank you" could do to someone who we value. Beyond even that, what a "thank you for..." could do. Gratitude is something that is missing from our society of "me, myself, and I".

When I turned my eyes from all of my negativity and problems, I was able to love more fully. Not only those around me, but myself.

Writing those letters and giving up those thoughts...one of my happiest times in high school. Perhaps we need to think about the positive more than the negative...as well as talk about the positive more than the negative. I challenge you to think of a person who has touched your life and changed you for the better and LET THEM KNOW. Call them, write a letter, send a text, whatever.

Together, let's start a culture of being grateful and experience true happiness.

"And in all things, give thanks." --1 Thessalonian 5:18

I'm praying for you always.

For You

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

Today I discovered a poem I wrote March of my junior year (about a year ago). It really touched me because it captures an awakening that was going on within my soul...

That January, I had realized that I wanted to be so in love with Jesus that nothing else mattered. I also realized that I wanted to do everything I possibly could to attain this relationship. That was when my faith really became active. My knees hit the ground. 

I made a commitment to pray every day...again. I'd made that commitment so many times. This time, however, it was coupled with a burning desire. I had seen what my life was like without God. I was feeling pretty alone in life and as I was growing closer to God, I was noticing that I was drifting a part from a lot of my friends. Not that any of them are bad people at all...I really believe that God just wanted to purify me and have some "just Annie time". 

Anyway. A lot of people (myself included at times) get really angry at God for allowing them to go through certain things. Personally, I know I questioned Him a lot about why He had allowed me to grow so distant from Him sophomore year. I have come to actually be grateful for that time. I hate that I sinned...but it really gave me a huge heart for sinners. Who is a sinner? All of us!

I have learned that God lets us go through everything for a reason, even sin. I genuinely believe this. 

Let me again share Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

Because I know what it's like to run from God, I want to spend my life leading people back to Him. Because I know what it's like to hate one's self, I want to spend my life sharing how each person is individually created, called, and crowned. Because I know what it's like to feel rejection, I want to spend my life showing Christ's love and acceptance. Because I know what it is like to use, I want to spend my life teaching the dignity of each life. 

I don't find my value in bringing people to Christ, however awesome and humbling that might be. I don't feel like I have to "make it up to Jesus" by "saving people"-- Jesus already did the saving and any Truth that I might share is His.

But I have seen brokenness. I have seen it in myself. I have seen it in the eyes of a girl who had been so used that, by the age of fifteen, she thought that she was completely worthless and unlovable. I have seen it in a boy who had been so rejected and abandoned that he cut himself to numb the pain. I have seen it in the lifestyle of a girl who didn't know how to come to God with her pain and so numbed it with drugs and alcohol. 

If high school has taught me anything...it has taught me that everyone is broken and everyone has a story. It has taught me that my heart longs for Jesus, that He alone can satisfy me. And it has taught me that I long to share with others the infinite, healing love of Christ.

So! This poem. I wrote it at a time when I was finally really understanding how very much we all need Jesus. Also, I was so devastated by the lies that the people around me were buying into...it's so interesting how much people change in just a couple of years. I was seeing the choices that people I love were making and how they were leading them away from Jesus...and this poem came to be.

For You

All around me

I hear cries of "where is love"

screams of desperation

alone

cold

drowning

We've all broken our hearts

placing them in paper shredders

and playing with knives

and yet we wonder

why we're always bleeding

I look around me

seeing weary eyes

tear-stained cheeks

sliced arms

Does anyone see 

what we've done

to each other

In our search for "love"

we've rejected Love Himself

And we want someone

to hold our hands

But He's holding us

We want someone to sit beside us

But He's running with us

We want someone who will stay forever

But He'll lead us there

God I'm so broken

so tired of forgiving 

of trying to love

and failing

But you knew my words

before I thought them

You hold my heart

Heal my soul

I sit here and wish for love

But I already have Him

He's got me

Love that came

was torn

beaten

wounded

for you

Who died

for you

Who came back

for you

Who 

will

never

leave

Crushes and Dating

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

*Today is the combination of letters C and D*


"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

I have learned an abundance of things about crushes and dating throughout the past few years. Strangely enough, I've never actually been in a dating relationship. But please, pull up a chair and a bowl of cookie dough, and allow me to humbly share.

I am a romantic. I feel deeply. And, y'all, I have done some preeeetty stupid things when it has come to crushes.

I went into high school with the mindset of NO DATING due to one, my parents' rule, and two, my own personal conviction. To me, it was simply illogical to enter into a high school relationship when I've always seen dating as a precursor to marriage. Not ready for marriage, not ready to date. I also saw older friends enter into high school relationships and miss out on so many other friendships with other people as well as getting to better know themselves.

It's pretty easy to have those convictions when you go to an all girls school.



On Being Crushed On

Sophomore year hit (new school-- with boys) and with it came the realization that, wow, guys liked me. Someone made the joke that year that all of the guys in our class of less than one hundred had already been through all of the girls the previous year and I was basically fresh meat.

Here's a confession: I really liked being liked. Like, liked-liked. A lot a lot.

When I found out that guys liked me that year, I did one of two things: 1. totally lead him on without intention of dating or 2. completely ignored him. Both are probably the absolute worst things I could have possibly done, given the situations.

Let me speak directly to my lady readers. We live in such a man-bashing culture where we women like to talk about how stupid and ridiculous men are. Women are definitely objectified, that's a separate issue. But men are not stupid. They have hearts, they have minds, they have dreams. 

We all have a responsibility to everyone we encounter. We can bring people closer to Love (Jesus Christ) or further away from Him. There is no middle. The people who like us are no different.

It could be argued that the responsibility increases when we're "liked". For sure, there are times when heartbreak is inevitable. But in everything we do, we have to see the "crusher" as a human being, worthy of love, made in the Image and Likeness of God. That truth is what needs to guide our actions.

I remember one of my closest friends sophomore year really liked this one girl A LOT. They were "talking" (I hate that word) for weeks before he asked her to homecoming, where he planned on asking her out. Everyone thought that she liked him and they were going to start dating...and then at homecoming, she completely stopped talking to him. He was devastated, needless to say.

Our culture is all about using. It's not "how can I give of myself for you?" it's "how can I take of you for me?"

I personally fell into that trap. I was so caught up with being emotionally filled by guys liking me that all I could think about was myself. I didn't care about the consequences for either of us, really, it was just as long as I could have that warm fuzzy feeling of acceptance and the power that it brought with it. My fear of being uncomfortable lead me to just cut off other guys that maybe would have turned out to be good friends had I not completely shut down.

There's not a formula for what to do when you're liked and you don't return the feeling. But here's a key virtue: honesty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the crusher. We need to boot the fear of being uncomfortable and the desire for emotional (and maybe even physical) pleasure from the driver's seat and instead cling to honesty, genuine love, and put others before ourselves.




On Crushing On

Hearts are a tricky thing. Liking someone is an extremely tricky thing, because there are so many levels. There are the crushes that last two minutes and then the ones that last two years. There are the ones that just fade away and then the ones that lead to life-changing heartbreak.

I am a romantic (surprise!). I like princesses and I like happy endings. I also have standards that are pretty high. I had two pretty "major" crushes in high school...and, well, I hope you still have some cookie dough left because here's where it gets good.

Crush Number One (protecting the names of the uninnocent. Or I guess guilty works) was a guy who was just really, really nice. I was kind of obsessed with him and it probably kind of showed. Y'all know, that stereotypical crush that makes you walk down certain hallways at certain times? Yep. Me. It ended pretty suddenly when at the end of the year, he just stopped talking to me. I spent all of the following summer crying about it.

Crush Number Two was, er, slipperier. We were "best friends" and hung out constantly...so it was kind of very natural. After almost a full school year, I ended that friend-or-whatever-we-were-ship because he had a girlfriend and I was so emotionally confused and it was just messy.

Both situations started the same way: with me thinking a guy was cute and then thinking about and obsessing over him so much that it escalated to a "crush". Honestly, I don't even remember why I liked either of those guys. Once again, I wanted to be emotionally filled. I would text certain things ("you're my best friend", "I love you") just to get other things texted back ("you're my best friend too!", "I love you too!").

I do know that I gave a lot of myself emotionally to both of these guys.

Because of my crush dealings, I have developed a Crush Battle Plan:

1. What are my intentions? Am I being genuine in everything? Do I want his greater good? And I am being respectful to who I am as a daughter of God?
         
2. What kind of guy is he and why do I like him? Is he a person that I would want my parents to come to know? Does he place God above all others?

3. What is going on in my life? How is my relationship with myself? With other people? With God? Am I in a place where it would be wise to enter into a relationship?

4.  What is God saying about it? Am I covering this decision in prayer?

5. Am I forcing it? Are things lining up or am I trying too hard to make it work?

Some people might argue that it's stupid to take a crush so seriously. But obviously, I'm not talking about your crush on Adam Levine; I'm talking about real, strong feelings...our emotions are REAL and STRONG-- they have power. Especially when it comes to us women. If we don't continually surrender to Jesus and allow Him to take control...things do get messy.

More than anything, we need to be grounded in God. Because no relationship is ever going to satisfy us besides the one of between the Father and His child...you.




The Taboo Subject of Dating

I have made it through high school without a boyfriend. Well, knock on wood, still about a month to go...but I think that not having a boyfriend in high school was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. Was it always easy? Nope. Especially not when all of my friends were in relationships...it got lonely. Sometimes there was even a huge temptation to feel like something was wrong with me.

But are those good reasons to enter into a relationship? Because of popularity and self esteem issues? Those are just two of a list I've come to discover why high schoolers enter into relationships:

1. Because I can't stand being alone
2. Because it's a great status symbol.
3. Because he's cute.
4. Because I need a prom date.
5. Because I need to feel something.
6. Because I like the attention. 
7. Because he needs my help; I want to make him a better person.

And so many more...

Maybe there are so high schoolers who date with better intentions. But look at what dating is meant for: for the discernment of marriage. As high school students, as teenagers-- are we ready to even think about that? 

I have seen far too many high schoolers become so lost in relationships that they forget who they are. High school is a time of self discovery. An exclusive dating relationship is meant for two people who know who they are, who are mature, and who love God more than each other. I don't really know any teens who meet that criteria. 

A big danger of high school dating is that a person can get so lost in another person that they don't get the privilege of getting to know him-or-herself. So many friendships can be missed out on too (especially with the opposite gender). I lost one of my closest friends due to her boyfriend obsession.

Not dating in high school has helped me to better discover who I am. It's helped me stay focused on my hopes and dreams and eradicating my fears. It has helped my friendships. Ultimately, it has brought me to a deeper love and understanding of Jesus Christ.

The Future

Y'all, I want to be married so so so much. I think marriage is such a beautiful thing. Maybe it's God's will and maybe it's not...so I'm just going to keep clinging to Him and His Word. I found this particularly appropriate:

"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

We don't need to run around looking for someone to like, date, or even marry. God's got it. God has a plan. Even when we mess up, He still has a plan. He has a plan for you, He has a plan for your future spouse...and guess what? He knows your heart's deepest desires and His every action is designed to satisfy your needs and true wants. 

Let's stop fighting against Him and surrender anew to His will, allowing Him to work in our lives.

Let's also remember...God gave men and women to each other, but He made our hearts for His. There is nothing in the whole world that can satisfy our heart's deepest longings besides Him.

So, let us dance with God. Let us be the best person we can be for Him, for ourselves...and then, when we're ready, He'll let the person of our dreams cut in.

I am praying for you always!

Best Friends

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

**I know, I know-- I'm a day behind. A thousand apologies. It's been an insane weekend. BUT, never fear, tomorrow will be the combination of letters C and D-- tune in to get my thoughts on CRUSHES AND DATING!**

One of the first things I noticed at my new school sophomore year was that everyone had a best friend. At least, seemingly. It was prevalent at my previous school as well, but, hey, that was freshman year. People were still trying to figure out who they were and wanted to be and wanted to be with. You're supposed to have all that figured out by sophomore year, don't you know. 

Best friends. Tenth grade, it seemed to be defined as someone with whom your name was synonymous with. "Oh, Annie? You mean Katie's best friend?" A best friend was someone who proved that someone actually did like you, someone who prevented you from being completely alone. Someone who always said the right thing and made everything better. Someone who stuck up for you and yelled at the bad guys.

I have had so many "best friends" throughout high school, lasting from two weeks to two years. Variance was easy and commitment was difficult-- y'all, I have been enrolled in a total of three high schools. 

Here's the thing about all of those best friends. None of them has lasted, at least in the best friend sense. And here's the other thing. They've all let me down. No doubt that I've let them down as well.

"WHAT?! But then they weren't true best friends, am I right? Because real best friends last forever."

Okay, y'all better hold onto your Easter bonnets (everyone wears Easter bonnets on Monday mornings, correct?) because I'm about to share a shocking revelation that I had late last year.

A "best friend" (at least, how the world views it) is a completely fictional idea that, much like thigh gaps, is totally unattainable.

I don't have any best friends this year. Which is funny, because the friends that I do have? I am closer to than I've ever been with anyone. Maybe you could say, yeah, well, doesn't matter what you actually call it, they're still you're best friends. And maybe that's true. But I feel like I have a whole different mindset.

Previously, I have seen best friends as a self-serving kind of thing. I want them to fill me, to heal me, to always be there, to always say the right thing, to stick up for me. I have had many beautiful best friends...and no one has ever done all of these things. 

But aren't those kind of unreasonable expectations? Basing all of your happiness on a flawed human being? With this mindset, best friends have the tendency to come between myself and myself as well as myself and God.

The other thing about proclaiming a certain person as a "best friend" is that it excludes all other people. When I hear people talk about their best friend, a part of me is always like "well, you don't need me". I feel like when we put one person up on a pedestal and give her the duties of basically Being Perfect and exclude all other females from this title, it has the danger of preventing us from being good friends with other people. 

I have known people who I thought I was decently close with and they would continually bring up their best friends. Maybe I'm just sensitive, but it kind of made me feel inferior.  

Our definition of "best friend" has been tainted by media, in my opinion, just like a whole lot of other things. We see the best friendships in movies, books, and even music. We see on social media, as well, the seemingly perfect best friendships of people we know. 

I have found in these last months that removing the term "best friend" from my vocabulary has been pretty impact. It has removed the temptation to use someone emotionally to make me feel better and fix my problems. It allows the people in my life to just be people and allows me to love them more deeply. 

To the person who doesn't have a best friend: there is NOTHING wrong with you. Really, I promise. Unless you smell bad. Then take a shower and you'll be fine. But in all seriousness, having a person to call "best friend" doesn't make you more or less of  a person. A best friend won't ultimately fix you or make everything better or satisfy you. You don't need fixing, friend. Only God can satisfy you. You are beautiful, treasured, sacred, and His. 

Prayers always.

Alone

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

I have always thought of "alone" as negative, bringing on other words such as "rejection" and "abandoned". It summons memories of sobbing by myself in my room or walking through a crowded hallway, unseen.

Alone. I have experienced loneliness. 

Freshman year, I felt so alone. I remember thinking that high school was a great, big magical place, and I was so ready to kill everyone with kindness. I remembered this one girl in my second grade class who always smiled at everyone and was so, so sweet. Everyone loved her. I wanted to be like that-- liked by everyone, friends with everyone.

But then...the people I smiled at didn't all smile back. Most looked away or didn't even meet my eyes to begin with. I tried to be friends with everyone, but there must have been something wrong with my methods, because it didn't really work. 

So, I shut down. I stopped trying...and bitterness grew inside of me.

In the three years after ninth grade, so much happened. I continued to experience various forms of loneliness, but was mostly able to stifle it with "friends" (loose definition of the term at times). Until the start of this school year.

Senior year. It's a crazy thing. And the thing about the crazy thing is that it brings about a lot of change. For one reason or another, I found myself alone. The majority of my friends living out of town and having lost touch with the rest, I didn't really have anyone to just hang out with or grab coffee with or other typical friend stuff.

Loneliness. It can be crushing.

Earlier this year, I was venting on the phone to my cousin about how alone I felt. She had the most Holy Spirit-filled response: "What is God using this time to teach you? Maybe He just wants some Annie time."

That was such a huge slap in the face-- in a good way. 

Maybe He just wants some Annie time.

We're so quick to be negative about when we're alone. But maybe our loneliness is a reminder of something more...that we weren't created for this world. We weren't created to be satisfied by these people that surround us. Loneliness is a scream from our hearts for God.

Because without Him, even what we see as the "best" of relationships is absolutely pointless.

I have come to believe that Jesus has allowed me to go through times of loneliness to get rid of the temptation to fill myself with other people. In times of loneliness, Jesus has showed me that He alone can fill me and that He alone will remain faithful.

I ask God "why" all the time, especially when I've gone through alone time. A verse that really answers that question is Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

So what is my need? My ultimate need? To be filled by God, to let Him completely take over in every part of my life. Perhaps God chooses loneliness to satisfy that longing in our hearts for Him, by removing the distractions of other people.

Let's allow our loneliness to point us to a God whose arms are continually open and beckoning, despite wherever we've been. St. Paul tells us to rejoice in all things, so let us rejoice in the times when we feel alone!

And here's the best part: God will fill our hearts. It's not something we have to convince Him to do; He already longs to. Just think: when we're feeling alone or rejected, we feel but a shadow of His heart. Think of all of the people living without God, continually rejecting Him...and we've been a part of that very boat.

Jesus Christ alone can fill us. He alone can heal our lonely hearts. So let's surrender anew each day to His awesome, powerful love.

Liebster Award + A to Z Theme Reveal

Happy Monday, friends! I hope the start to your spring is much more relaxing than mine. Senior year, college stuff, and work are far scarier and more demanding than the monsters that lived in my closet in days of yore. Prayers for energy and focus and peace would be much appreciated.

I was recently nominated for the Liebster Award by Abi from over at The Left-Handed Typist. Abi is incredibly sweet, funny, and left handed. Also, she has a very sincere, fresh writing style, so definitely check out her blog. Despite my admiration for the amazing Abi, I have to break the rules a bit by not actually nominating anyone. However, I did come up with questions, so if you want to answer in the comments or on your blog, that would be sweet!

1. What's the story behind your blog's name?

I started AM Station the summer before my freshman year of high school (coming up on four years!). I don't really remember how the name came into play...I remember sitting on my bedroom floor in PA, figuring out the formatting with my (very obliging) cousin. I feel like my dad suggested a name that lead to "AM Station"...or maybe he just flat out suggested it...either way, I guess he gets some credit. Obviously, it's a play off of FM or AM radio, and since my name is Anne Marie...it works.

2. What is your favorite stage of writing?

Ah, such a great (and hard) question! I love all the stages for different reasons. I'll go with first draft. I love planning and plotting and then finally being able to let the characters and story just come to life.

3. Where/in what conditions do you write the best?

No one can be around. I don't work well when there are people around me because I feel like someone is always staring at me. Doesn't matter if it's in my living room or in a coffee shop, I'm just too distracted. Besides that, there really isn't any other criteria. I usually write in my bedroom, which is bright yellow, at my purple desk right at my window, which overlooks a pretty decent size woods. 

4. What is a country you would like to visit?
England. I love English culture and accents and a decent percent of my blood is English.

5. What is your favorite historical period?

I like too many! I really like the 20s, 40s, and 50s.

6. What is your favorite dessert?

I'm actually somewhat picky about desserts. If I'm going to consume the calories, it's got to be worth it. Dry donuts and cakey brownies are the worst. Also I can't stand overly sugary frosting and cake that isn't moist. Not the biggest crunchy cookie fan either. And don't even get me started on pies...I cannot do pie crust. Apple, fruit, whatever. Blueberry is kind of okay. I would have to say ice-cream is one place where I am rarely disappointed. Except this past summer, my dad kept getting all of this ice-cream from a local ice-cream place that was in their mess-up freezer...kind of tasted like creamy cardboard plastic.

7. What's the furthest you've ever been from home?

Destin, Florida, which is fourteen hours away. We went on vacation there this past November and it was incredible.

8. What is your earliest memory?

Hmm...earliest. I'm just going to tweak it to "early". My first bed was a king size (since then, I downgraded to a double, then a twin, and now I'm back up to a queen) that literally took up the majority of my bedroom. Anyway. I remember very vividly lining up my multitudes of stuffed animals and dolls and telling them stories. Also, the staircase to the attic/playroom was in my bedroom, and I was convinced that Michael Alvin (a bad guy of my imagination) lived up there. As long as I was under my covers with my buddies, though, I was safe.

9. What is your happy place?

My happy place is anywhere in prayer. If I can be in the presence of Jesus...what more could I ask for?

10. If you could pick one author/screenwriter to meet, who would it be?
Jane Austen.

11. What is your favorite book adapted movie/show?

Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version.

Now, for my questions:
1. Favorite ice-cream flavor?
2. Awkward/embarrassing childhood hobby?
3. Crazy dream job (un-writing related)?
4. Fine point or ultra fine point sharpie?
5. Current favorite song?
6. Captain America or Iron Man?
7. Favorite scene in current WIP?
8. Who is Jesus Christ to you?
9. Flip-flops or sneakers in the summer?
10. Write me a poem.
11. Post a picture of a hair cut that you want but would be too scared to ever get.

There you have it!

WAIT! Don't leave yet, there's more!

For the second year in a row, I'm doing the A TO Z CHALLENGE! Which is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done, since I'm already drowning in all sorts of deadlines that have serious implications for my future. Plus I had a great theme idea and I've prayed a lot about it so I am going to do my best to get it done!

(For those unaware, the A to Z is a challenge where bloggers attempted to blog thematically from the letter "a" to "z" every day in April, save Sundays.)

So....theme music. For my theme reveal. The reveal of my theme. My theme's reveal. The reveal which corresponds to my theme.

Ahem.

EVERYTHING I LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL: Letters to my High School Self

Well, maybe not everything I've learned...but the biggies. Senior year has brought out so much reflectiveness (not a word, whatever, I didn't learn to spell in high school obviously) in my self, which is saying a lot, because I'm a pretty reflective person. Anyway, I have had a very unique (or at least, I like to think so) high school experience and have been looking for an opportunity to dive into my story.

What will you see if you chose to stick around during April? You'll see the grace of God at work, and all of the tears, heartbreak, laughter, and joy that it brings.

Like I wrote in my last post, we have to tell our stories. We simply have to. God gave them to use for a reason, a long with words and fingers to write. So, dear friends, I hope you'll read my stories...they are my gift to you.

Have a blessed Holy Week.

IS THIS THING ON?!?!

I think I nearly forgot how to blog. It's funny, before the A-Z Challenge, me blogging two weeks apart would have been GOALS, but now it feels so WEIRD.

How dare I leave you for a week longer than I promised! Did you survive?! I do hope so.

Camp was amazing. So, so, so incredible. I met some of the most incredible people and really grew in my relationship with Jesus, which was awesome. But more on that later.

The amount of selfies that happened
was ridiculous.

The reason for my prolonged absence was because my cousins were in town. I kept telling myself that I was going to blog, but it was so hard to break away. I grew up with these cousins (we lived in the same town until I was fourteen) and we're all super close. Especially Alex and myself...she knows me better than anyone, and defines the term "best friend" for me. Anyway, so we were super busy this past week and gone doing crazy things (pool, museum, put-put, the works). But more on that later.

Us being weird. So basically us
being us.

Unfortunately, the insanity is not about to die down. I'm taking an impromptu trip to visit Alex and family (GOING BACK TO MY HOMETOWN YAY!!) with my youngest brother tomorrow. But I have some things lined up for next week, so hopefully I'll still be able to at least blog, if not visit other blogs. But more on that later.

Speaking of which, I've missed reading everyone's blogs so much!! I can't wait to see what y'all have been up to.

Also...I decided to do Camp Nano! Life is already insane enough, might as well add some crazy. I'll be working TBN (which I talked about in my summer goals post). I'm still going to be doing my best to blog two to three times a week though, don't you worry.

LASTLY...a huge round of thanks goes to Rachel Pattinson for nominating me for the Infinity Blog Award! She's a doll, guys, seriously.

I'm supposed to give eleven facts about myself, so here we go. Brace yourselves.

1. I had a make-believe best friend named Katelyn.
2. I had a make-believe villain named Michael Alvin who lived on my top bunk until I moved to the top bunk and then he moved to my closet. He could make himself super tiny during the day and then at night he would come to his full size. He was friends with all of the Disney villains and his sole purpose in life was to marry me. 
3. I used to force my brothers to go on "Michael Alvin" hunts during the day and sometimes I would try to rub the skin off of their faces to see if they were actually Michael Alvin wearing a mask.
4. I had a crush on Ty Pennington (from ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Addition) for like...five years. Or so. (OH MY GOSH, I found out that his name is actually Gary a few weeks ago...like WHAT EVEN my childhood is ruined.)
5. I've been to a different school for each year of high school so far. Thankfully, I'm staying homeschooled for my senior year.
6. I was the Artful Dodger in the musical Oliver my sophomore year.
7. My neighbors, cousins, siblings, and I put on Annie the musical in my backyard about seven summers ago. I was Annie (of course, because I always had to be the center of attention). It was terrible. We have a video of it, and let's just say, y'all should be glad that my sass has gotten somewhat under control since then.
8. The first year I did NaNoWriMo, my brother Joseph made an account and pretended to be a guy my age and we messaged for a long time before I discovered that it was actually Joseph. I was so, so, so mad. SO MAD.
9. I HATE Skittles. With a passion.
10. I'm discerning doing a year of missionary work before college. (Prayers appreciated!)
11. I dress up literally every day. The worst part of camp was that I could not bring my maxi skirts or my wedges. Not about that athletic shorts life.

Now for Rachel's questions:

1. If you could be any superhero, who would it be and why?

Black Widow! Because she's kick butt but still feminine and able to depend on others as well as still care about them a lot.
2. If you had to choose between permanently too hot or too cold, which one would you choose?

Too hot! I love love love heat and am still recovering from winter. Actually, I am not really sure that there is such a thing as too hot.
3. What's your ultimate writing dream?

Oh man...honestly, I don't have one. I mean, I have goals, but they're just kind of...there. I'm trying to figure out how God wants me to use my writing in life. Right now, I'm just writing for Him and me, and it's going really well. I guess I would have to say that I'd love to be published. Or have an agent represent me. One of the two would be pretty sweet, but I'm also content where I'm at right now. 

Now...for the eleven bloggers that I'm nominating! 

1. Ashley
2. Jessica Wolf
3. Opal
4. Nicole S.
5. Jack
6. Abigail Post
7. Candice Williams
8. Rcubed
9. Katie Grace
10. Emily Ann Putzke
11. Jo

(No pressure to do this, guys, seriously...but just want you to know how much I love you and how awesome your blogs are!)

My questions:

1. Would you rather be a butterfly or a bumble bee?
2. Post a paragraph or a stanza of your latest writing project. (I guess that wasn't really a question...will you please post a paragraph or stanza?)
3. What are your blogging goals for the rest of the year?

Okay, now I'm off to go read up on all of your blogs. It's good to be back.

Reflections

I woke up on May first feeling as though I was forgetting something.

Something was missing, there was something I had to do...oh wait, no there wasn't. It wasn't April anymore, and I didn't have to do a mad-dash and type out a bunch of words and prayed that somehow would make sense. Sometimes they did, sometimes I probably just thought they did. Happens.

This was my first year doing the A-Z Challenge.

I honestly don't know why I signed up for it. Perhaps mostly to get into posting more regularly and leave behind the sporadic posting schedule. Additionally, networking was definitely appealing to me. I LOVE meeting other people on the same writing journey as myself coupled with wonderful blogs.

The people I have been privileged to interact with as a result of the A-Z Challenge completely blow me away. I'm so impressed by their talent and dedication. Shout outs to just a few of my new favorite blogs:

• A Writer's Musings 
• Cortney Pearson
• The Faux Fountain Pen
• Write With Fey
• Jay Noel
• Pearson Report

There are so many more, and I hope to share them with you in the coming days.

Going into it, I knew it was going to be hard-to-impossible for me to post on some days. And turns out, it was. Some days got longer posts than others and some even got guest posts (thanks again to Faith, Anna, Becca, Jess, and Jen!) and there was even one that just got a link to a post. But I managed to come out even in the end.

I'm glad that I picked "writing" as my theme. It helped me organize my thoughts pertaining to writing. It provided some awesome self-reflection time for me, and I was able to evaluate my personal writing beliefs. I discovered that I did have a mental list of "rules" (some firm though some flimsy) though I didn't really know it. Furthermore, I discovered things that I subconsciously believe, which was kind of weird.

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, darling readers. Your comments never fail to inspire me and make me smile. I write for myself and it never ceases to amaze me that people like it! You encourage me to keep going, to never give up on my dreams...so thank you.

Around here, you can expect me to be posting two to three times a week. Well, at least, I'm going to see how that schedule works out through the month of May and then reevaluate. I'm planning on doing writing related posts on Mondays, book (and perhaps movie and music) reviews on Wednesdays and posts about my life on Fridays.

Love you guys. Thanks for empowering me, encouraging me, and never failing to make my day better. I can't wait to put each and every one of your names into the acknowledgements page on my book some day.

How was the A-Z for you? If you didn't do it, do you think you might next year?

Zzz, Don't Make Your Readers!

THIS IS IT.

GUYS.

I. MADE. IT.

*gasps*

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the LAST post of the A to Z Challenge here at AM Station. I've spent the last month sharing my writing rules, opinions, and experiences. Hopefully you've learned something or been inspired! I have so, so enjoyed talking to all of you and meeting so many bloggers.

But! More on that on MAY 4TH! Be sure to check back!!

Perhaps I should have started with this post. But the alphabet doesn't start with Z, so that wouldn't have worked out too well.

DON'T MAKE YOUR READERS FALL ASLEEP! Because that's bad.

I have seen so many series of books become sooooooo boring after the first one. Divergent and Hunger Games are prime examples. Reading Allegiant and Mocking Jay felt like trudging through quicksand at some points.

Now, obviously, just like everything else here, these are just my opinions.

But to me, it felt like the excitement wore off for the author, and so it also wore off for me, the reader. This may not be true, maybe Veronica Roth was writing Allegiant with a butt load of caffeine in her system, but to me, it felt like not so much.

I've touched on this already this month, but WRITE WHAT IS INTERESTING TO YOU! If you're bored, then SWITCH THE SCENE, SWITCH THE POV, SWITCH THE TENSE, SWITCH SOMETHING.

I'm really not yelling. Okay, maybe. I'm tired. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE MADE IT THROUGH THIS MONTH.

*does happy dance*

Um, yeah, no. I'm in my bed and I am too lazy to even reach for my teddy bear that just fell. Joking. If I don't, the monsters under my bed will eat him.

When it comes to keeping blog posts interesting (hopefully mine are, lol, that would actually be really funny if they aren't and I'm giving advice on how to keep posts interesting--pretty typical) is to USE CAPITAL LETTERS. Joking.

Well, maybe not. If that's your personality, do it. Let YOU shine through in what you do. When people I know read my blog, they tell me that they can hear me saying the words in their heads. That makes me happy =) Don't be afraid to just be YOU and put yourself out there!

Don't don't don't don't mimic someone else, even if they are more successful. Find your voice and, for goodness sakes, don't bury it. Scream with it! Unless you're more of a whisperer. Just do whatever it is you do, and you'll be interesting and successful!

Another thing I'm told that keeps readers interested is to keep it short when it comes to posting.

I'm really bad at this one.

For school, my papers almost always exceed the word limit, even if the topic is something I HATE. I have so much to say! But, seriously, it probably helps to keep it short.

However, long is me. I write this blog for me, I write in general for me. I sound really selfish, but hopefully you know what I mean. I want to please myself and be happy with my words rather than try to go viral or mimic someone else. I like my mildly undiscovered corner of the internet, and I truly dearly love those who come and visit me.

SO... IT. IS. DONE.

How did the challenge go for you? And how to you keep your posts interesting?

Your Research, Doing

I probably am not the most qualified person for this post.

Well, actually, I'm very qualified for this topic of writing either. A seventeen year old girl, write for a whole month about how to write and aspects of writing?! Who isn't even published? Yeah, right, what could she know?

Maybe some of my opinions are "wrong" when it comes to writing. I definitely don't have the most experience on the block. But I have been writing ever since I could. I've found things out through trial and error and the advice of other writers. This all is what works for me, what I've found to be true.

So here is a little more me and my writing experience.

I have never actually had to do research for a book.  Hence my unqualification. Which wasn't a word until now. Congrats, you saw first here, folks!

I probably should have for one of my novels (about a spy), but that never happened. Probably why that novel is now sitting somewhere in hard-drive space. Another one I should have done took place in LA, where I certainly have never been. That MS is keeping the other one company, equally as covered with virtual dust.

What I'm getting at is that not doing your research can cost you your novel.

I am famous for "Oh, I'll just keep going and I can fix it later" when something isn't working out. I'll plow right through the problems and patch up the holes later. Sometimes that's good. Sometimes it isn't. When it comes to research, it isn't.

Correction: I haven't had to research until a couple of weeks ago.

My WIP requires a lot of research because it has to do quite a bit with a lawyer, and I'm really unfamiliar with court and law stuff (see, I don't even know the correct terms). Research kind of scares me, to be honest. I would much rather work on my fairy tale where I just have to make everything up. Oh well, it's just something that's got to be done.

When I research, the first place I go to is Pinterest. There's some awesome infographics there and I can save it all in one place. Then onto other areas of the Internet. I haven't really used any books, just because I've found everything I've been looking for online.

I record the information in my binder for the current WIP. I'm a sucker for handwriting out my outlines and research, but I do sometimes save the websites to go back to later. When I remember to =)

How do you do research?

X by Ed Sheeran: How Music Inspires My Writing

I have been looking forward to writing this post all month. I basically thought I was the most clever person ever when I was able to tie in the topic of music with the letter X. Please, hold your applause.

Music is a huge part of who I am. Someone in my house is always singing, playing guitar, piano, or banging away on the drums. Usually, all of that is going on at once.

I love music. Seriously just love it. I love how it portrays truth and beauty, how it can lift your spirit. Or weigh down your spirit. Music has so much power. I love how it always tells a story.

Music tells stories. Just like I do.

When I was younger, I could never listen to music while writing. It was way too distracting. Now, I rarely write without listening to music.

Music pushes me forward.

Within music, I have found characters. I have found plots. I have found scenes. I have found answers and I have found questions.

Music is the ultimate short story.

When I'm writing a novel, or even a short story (which, in reality, is never very short), I usually put together a playlist of songs that go along with my story. Other times, I'll go to whatever my favorite Pandora station is or I'll just listen to random indie music that I don't know. Depends on my mood.

Some of my favorite writing musicians include Ed Sheeran, Needtobreathe, Mumford & Sons, Echosmith, Lorde, Birdy, and so, so many more.

How does music inspire your writing? Do you listen to music while you write? If so, who is your go-to musician?

Using Writing As Revenge

Sorry I'm posting a day late (again) but birthday festivities consumed most of the day yesterday.

Seventeen. I'm so old.

Not really.

Anyway...today's, I mean yesterday's, post is on Using Writing As Revenge. As you would know if you read the title. Which, no doubt, you did. Anyway, this actually coincides quite nicely with celebrating my life.

Revenge is such a slippery term. I don't like the word. Or perhaps, what I dislike is what the word means. I've never been a big one for revenge.

I became close with someone last year, which was a really rough year. We weren't close for very long, due to the fact that he decided that, for some reason, he wasn't going to talk to me anymore. This literally tore me apart. I liked this kid, a lot. We definitely shared some awesome times together. I think what killed me the most was that I had been waiting all year for someone to let me in, to be okay with me, with who I really was. When he finally showed me this time after time and I'd begun to believe him, he completely threw me aside.

Wow. Thanks.

My immediate thought was why, accompanied by feelings of sadness and guilt. Eventually, I got sick of why because I couldn't figure it out. There simply was no answer. This made me mad, oh, it made me so mad.

The fact that he could just come, be well on the way to being my best friend, and then stab me in the back and silently walk away, a smile still etched on his face...whoa. Like, dude, no. There's never a good reason EVER to do that to anyone. But the fact that he did it without a reason...or maybe he had one and I'll never know. Still.

I wanted to have revenge on him, oh, I wanted to get back at him. I wanted to break him like he broke me. But I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. And after everything that this guy had put me through, I still had respect for him. Deep down, I wanted to forgive him. This desire prevented me from truly wanting bad for him. That made me angry, too. How I couldn't be properly angry with him.

The thing about revenge is that it promises to fix our problems. It promises to make it better, make us better, make the situation better, and make the person who hurt us pay. We want to force the other person to feel what we felt, to be punished. Revenge is a twisted desire for justice. And the thing is? That desire can never be quenched. We want to exact revenge because it gives us a sense of power, of control. But we're not in control.

Eventually, I learned that there was nothing I could do to this person to make me feel better. I still had to wrestle with feelings of guilt and hurt and rejection. Okay, so if I could hurt him? Then what? It made me just as bad as him. If there's anything I know about heartbreak, is that it's unlimited. There's not some weird equality thing that's like "oh, well, now he has a heartbreak so she doesn't have to."

The only thing I could do with the pain was give it to God. Give the friendship to Him. Give my feelings to Him. Yes, it hurt so badly to forgive this person. But I did, eventually, by the grace of God. And not only that, I forgave myself.

We are given pain for a reason. We are allowed to go through tough times and God is right there with us. You are not alone.

After everything with this person fell apart, my friends and I concocted various schemes to "make him pay". We literally thought of everything and, not going to lie, I wanted it. So. Bad. All of it, every single revenge plot. But God taught me that revenge is not mine. I am not in control. He taught me humility in letting go.

But God gave me so many talents. He gave me the gift of writing.

So I took the feelings from the friendship. I took the stories, from when we first started talking to when he stopped. And I poured all that out into my novel. I let the pain drip my fingers onto the pages, I let them absorb my laughter. God used my writing to heal me. With each word I typed, pieces of my heart shifted back into place.

Use your writing as revenge. Again, I hate the term. Revenge does nothing for you, and that's what it's for in the first place, isn't it? It's a selfish desire to punish someone so that you'll feel better. But it never makes you feel better. What you really want is to be whole again.

Since everything went down last year, I've experienced more intense pain and way more intense joy. God is so good and it is so good to be alive and to be able to love. With each big event in my life, though, I turn my hands towards heaven.

"God, what do you want me to do with this?"

And I always end up back at my computer, typing away. Or with a notebook, pen flying across pages.

So write. Write your pain, write your joy. Make your stories more realistic by pouring in your real pain, your real joy.

...and just imagine sending a copy of your published book to the person who hurt you. The person your villain is based of off ;) Let it go and let God work. He'll use your pain and He'll use your words.

Poetry

So pleased to be hosting Becca, an amazing writer-friend from my creative writing group! Becca writes fabulous poetry and is such an inspiration. You check out some of her poetry on Pinterest here.

I've been asked about poetry before, what do I write it about, why do I write it, and of course, how do I write it? But my mental response is always how do you not write poetry? How do you release your emotions? How do you get what feels like a hundred pounds of sadness, love, pain, anything off of your chest? 

I write poetry for numerous reasons, because I want to, because I love to, but most of all, because I need to. If I were an artist, I'm sure I would express my feelings by painting or drawing them, but I believe that words are the key. I love words, they can paint anything in your mind, from the sensation of a summer rain on your skin to a knife of pain in your chest to the fluttering feeling of a first kiss. And poetry, in my opinion, is the most beautiful form of words imaginable. 

It could be a rhyme that sounds beautiful in your head or dancing off of your tongue, or the messy, free flow of bottled up emotions of any kind just leaving your mind. It's relatable, it's freeing, and it's amazing. I once read a quote that stuck with me because it was so true. It said, "Poetry is what happens when your mind stops working, and for a moment, all you do is feel." And it's absolutely true, when I'm writing poetry, I don't think about the things I'm writing, I just write. It's as if I'm bleeding from my pen and spilling everything inside of me. No poems are thought out, they're rarely planned, they just happen. 

As the amazing Robin Williams said in Dead Poets Society, "…. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." And when you hit the point where writing it is as easy as breathing, you can't help but write. At this point, poetry is just a part of who I am as a person, and I couldn't live without it. I don't write poetry by planning out what I'm going to write, it's not a high school essay. I write what I feel. Did I have a bad day? Then I'll write a poem about what made that day bad, but I'll also write a poem about what makes life beautiful. 

Poetry is truly what I stay alive for, but more than that, it's what keeps me alive.

Outling

The writing of this post came just at the right point for me.

As I recently mentioned, I am in the midst of edits of AWAKEN. Lots of fun...joking, I am not a fan of editing. I needed something new to keep my creative juices flowing.

Enter...STORY WITH A NAME TBD.

I had this idea while reading some news headlines and I was just like WOW. WOW. Oh my gosh. I have to write this story. And, regardless of the million things I need to do this time of year, the idea would not go away. I was growing restless as it grew inside me. I literally could not sleep, I just keep feeling like I had words I needed to vomit. You're welcome for that visual.

I made a deal with myself. Finish three science assignments and you can start outline. Shake? Shake.

So I began to outline...

I have found that there is no exact formula outline. Perhaps for the specific writer there would be a specific formula, but overall, not so much. This is my outline process.

Well, scratch that. This my outline process for this particular WIP. I am literally constant with nothing my writing world. ANYWAY...

1. Define my characters. This involves writing out character descriptions, hobbies, as well as negative and positive character traits. Additionally, depending on the character, I write out their relationships to other characters.
2. Main story lines. These would be just two or three sentences about the main plot(s) of the story. Typically, I have two or three main story lines that I weave together throughout the course of the story
3. Nitty-gritty details. Lastly, I plan out the scenes of the novel. These are sometimes super detailed or sometimes just a sentence. Depends on the scene...and my mood.

And there you have it, folks! What's your outlining process?

(Remember, I'll be posting Saturday's post a day late! Thanks for reading, have a FABULOUS weekend.)

Keep Calm and Write On

C-calm?! What!? No! I can't be calm! It's nearly the end of my junior year, I have a bajillion papers to write and books to read and studying to do for the ACT and SAT! No! No time for calm! Plus my job is starting soon, how am I supposed to find time for anything then!? Answer: I'm not! Calm is not a word in my vocabulary!

Just before this, while making my daily blog visits, my stomach started churning (which has NOTHING to do with the flu in my house--I've already made my mind up, I'm not going to get sick) as I thought of all I need to do in the next couple of months. I should not be writing, I should be doing a million other things!

Another freak-out moment happened yesterday. I've begun planning yet another novel (while still in the midst of editing...ugh. This should be interesting) and I realized that it is about to take over my life. I am literally obsessed with this story and my main character. I totally started to panic as I realized that this is the busiest time of the year for me, and here I am, sitting on my bed PLANNING A NOVEL. Which means I'm going to put off everything else until the last second and just work on my new WIP.

Usually, I do not have a problem making time for writing. Writing kind of runs my life.

But when I get out of the habit of writing every day, then the craziness of school, volunteering, and family stuff takes over. It seeps into the hours set aside for writing and steals all my energy. Then I begin to resent writing, and feel guilty about it...it becomes something I should be doing, rather than something I want to be doing.

The only way to remedy this is just JUMP IN AGAIN. Pen and paper is much more forgiving than the writer. It will always be there. We just need to get over the fact that we haven't written in a while and put one word in front of the other.

Of course, the best way to not fall away from writing is to just write. Write something every single day. It's probably something that you've heard a million times, but it has been proven true in my life time and time again. Whether it's a paragraph, ten chapters, blog post, or journal entry--JUST WRITE.

For goodness' sakes, we're writers. Don't let the busyness of the world steal that from you. You're a writer. You write. So go write.