Two Years

Today is kind of a special day for me. So special that it bumped my review of BONE GAP to next Wednesday and the tag I was planning on doing next Monday.

Today officially marks two years of me living in Ohio. 

Talking about how fast time flies seems like such a cliche...but it's so, so true. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was researching houses with my mom? Actually, wasn't it just last week that I was in preschool?

So much has happened over the past two years. I've experienced so much, grown so much. Learned so much. Hurt a lot. Loved even more.

I've found myself, and found out that I really like who I am.  

I've done crazy things in the past two years. I've stood up for myself, for other people. I've learned how to be courageous, how to not back down. I've learned that there is not a happy ending to every relationship. Some people are in my life for a season, and that's okay. Sometimes I make poor judgements, and that's okay. Usually people aren't who they seem. I've learned to give second chances, to both others and myself.

I've learned that sometimes, I'll have the words and be forced to be silent. There is a time for freaking out and a time for calming down, even when it goes against everything in me. I have learned the importance of being in control of my emotions. I've learned not to spew my feelings out all at once, to give relationships time to progress. I have learned that it is okay to trust. Sometimes, though, it is okay not to.

I have learned that not everyone will like me. And that's okay. I've learned that I'm made to be at peace with people. I've experienced the power of forgiveness. I've learned that I need to value the people in my life now, instead of wishing for the ones that used to be or are to be.

I've learned that sometimes, I just have to let go. Even when it hurts and feels like it's going to kill me, I have to walk away. I've learned that I don't owe everyone (and oftentimes, anyone) an explanation for my actions. I've learned that my mom is basically the smartest human being in the universe. I've discovered that there is no one who I trust more, or who I would rather be like.

I've learned that some people are just going to frustrate me. I can't fix them. I don't have control over them. All I can do is decide is what I am going to let them do to me and how I'm going to react.

I've experienced God being in control. I've experienced me being out of control.

I have learned that change is normal and the only infinite person is God, and so I am learning to cling to Him.

One of my favorite worship songs is Oceans by Hillsong. If you're into Christian music at all, you've probably heard it. The whole song is so powerful, but this is my favorite line:

"You called me out upon the waters/the great unknown/where feet may fail."

When I moved, I was launched into the great unknown.

The thing about following God is that it's SCARY. If anyone tells you anything different, they haven't read the bible. Look at what following God cost Jesus.

God has called me--messy, imperfect, small me--into the great unknown. Where feet may fail. But that's where He is. Following God is scary because it forces us to realize that we're not in control. The thing is, though, is that we're not in control whether we realize it or not.

Surrendering to God and knowing His will takes great faith. However, for what He calls us to, He'll always provide the grace sufficient for. It's hard to follow Him, but if I've learned anything this year, it is this.

Following God is always worth it.

It's worth the pain, the fear. The uncertainty.

Though there's all that, there's also the awareness that you are madly loved by the God of the universe who died for you. Wow. Mind blowing. It is literally impossible for us to understand the gravity of His infinite love.

Learn to listen to God, go where He's calling you. Even when it looks scary...He'll be holding you, every step of the way. 

I know He's held me. And I have every confidence He'll continue to do so.

Life: Lessons and Ramblings

Life.

What comes to mind when you hear this word? Or in this instance, read it?  What does the word "life" mean to you?

Right now, I'd say life as meaning a crazy-wonderful-unexpected-heartbreaking-courage-building-making-me-fearless adventure. 

I'm a stubborn person. In one of my earliest posts, I wrote about a lesson one of the characters I wrote about taught me. A lesson I refused to learn for a time. I'm that way with a lot of things in life, I guess. For example, I constantly think that I know what will happen next. I think that I know what is going on. I think I am in control. 

Well, guess what I constantly have to remind myself? 

Number One: life is unexpected and one usually doesn't know what will happen next. Example? Many of you (if not all of you) know that I am moving to Toledo, Ohio. Well, our house closing was on Friday, April 5th and we didn't have a house to move into. (That's a long story in itself-- we thought we had a house, but it fell through upon the inspection.) So, we are now living with my wonderful grandparents about two hours away from Toledo, where my dad is working.

Number Two: more is usually going on with life than meets the eye. Many of you also may know that I've had a really rough year school-wise. This has been the first year since second grade that I have attended a "brick-and-mortar" school (I was homeschooled for third grade through eighth grade). So, that was a pretty big change in itself; I was learning in a whole new way, dealing with homework, teachers, and kids my age on a daily basis. 

Needless to say, it was hard. It was difficult. It was heartbreaking and left me feeling so worn. At times, I felt  lonely and it took all my strength to get out of bed each morning and plaster a smile on my face. It was so hard to just keep going through the motions, pretending that I was ok with everything, when I totally wasn't. And then add the whole "surprise-we-might-be-moving-to-Toledo!" drama.

But God was at work through all that. On my last day of school before we moved, many people shared stories of how I touched their lives. The story that touched me the most was an email that one girl sent me. She told me how much my openness about my faith encouraged her to be open about her faith. She told me that I encouraged her to have a stronger faith in Jesus.

Of course, I believe it wasn't just me who encouraged her. I believe God used me to encourage her. But this story really struck me because I probably spoke to this girl five times, at most. And our conversations were never at great length, but consisted of a "hey" in the hallways. This stuck me so much though because so many times this year, I have cried out to God in desperation. I have begged Him to show me the purpose of what I was going through. So, although I thought that I was pointlessly at school, "suffering," I was not at all. People were touching me, I was touching them, and God was strengthening my own faith and trust in Him.

Number Three: I am not in control. God is, and His plans are so much greater than mine. God so knows what He is doing. My mom told me once this year that God never allows us to go through anything that we can't handle. I truly believe this. I believe that everything we go through, we go through for a reason. Whether it is a bad year at school, a broken friendship, a death, or a rejection by a publisher, there is a reason. We are growing stronger and learning so much about ourselves.

So what is the sum of my ramblings? I know this isn't really a religious-y blog, if you will, but I really want to share this with you, dear readers. I don't write these things to make you feel bad for me or to pat myself on the back. I simply hope that perhaps my "ramblings" will touch you, with whatever you are going through in life.

Remember: life is unexpected and one usually doesn't know what will happen next, more is usually going on with life than meets the eye, we are not in control. May God bless you, my wonderful blog readers. You all mean more to me than you will ever know. Thank you for giving me the chance to express myself to you=)

What I've Been Up To

Hello, dear readers. So sorry that I've been a bit MIA. Things have been sort of crazy in my formally quiet little life. Well, actually, my life has never been what one might call quiet. However, if I had been cruising along the highway of life at 60 MPH, now it's more like 120 MPH.

Let me enlighten you. Here's what's been going on in my reading/writing world:

1. I have been reading a lot more, which I am quite pleased about, considering how crazy things are. I'm still not reading as much as I was when I was homeschooled, but I have been reading more than I did in the beginning of the year. I'm currently reading Scarlet, book 2 in the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer. LOVED book 1, Cinder-- definitely a book that will be reviewed soon=) But I might have to shelf Scarlet for a bit because my hold on Requiem (book 3 in the Delirium series by Lauren Oliver) just came in! I've been DYING to read it.

2. I mentioned before that I'm working on a new story. Progress on that is slow, but it's coming along. I'll try and post an excerpt soon. That leads me to thing number 3. . .

3. Preparations for Camp Nanowrimo! I'm going to camp this April because I really want to write the mentioned story. I'm absolutely in love with my characters already and I'm really enjoying writing their story. I've never done Camp Nano, but I think it would be a great way to help my story along. Plus, my birthday is in April, so Nano is the best present ever!


Now, here's what's been going on with everything else:

1. Toledo. I mentioned before that we're moving, which is crazy stuff in itself. Selling our house, buying a house, and registering in a new school (I'm SUPER excited about this new school, just thought I'd throw that out there) has been demanding most of my family's time. Even though I guess I personally don't have to sell our house or buy one, it still weighs heavily on my mind. Which is sort of dumb, considering that there's nothing I can do about it.

2. School, meh. Pretty self-explanitory. I've been working crazy hard to keep my grades up because of this new school I'll be going to.


And here's a sneak peak at some things coming soon on AM Station:

1. Cinder/Scarlet book review! Already spoke a bit about that, stay tuned!

2. Guest post! I'm pretty sure Perks of Being a Wallflower is going to be reviewed, but more on that later.

3. Camp Nanowrimo updates! I highly encourage you to take part in this upcoming camp. It sounds like it's going to be AMAZING!

Thanks for reading, guys. You all seriously rock my world-- thank you for taking the time to read my blog=)

My Dad

My dad was always filming us when we were little. We have so many family videos that are pretty hilarious to watch. When I was little, I loved to get my face in the camera. Seriously, I was always talking. My mom would probably tell you that I am still always talking, but I like to think that I've become slightly more reflective than talkative over the years.

I have always loved to tell stories. It didn't matter if the stories were ones I made up or something that had happened to me, I loved to share them with everybody, especially the camera.

It's really my dad's fault that I started writing. He was the one who encouraged me to write down my crazy little stories. He, along with my beautiful mom, were the ones who listened to my constant ramblings. Fine, they still do. My dad is always expressing desire to know what I am working on. He constantly asks questions about plot struggles and characters. My mom (my faithful editor) reads every single one of my blog posts before I publish.

When we were little, my dad told us so many stories. Usually, it was at bedtime or on long car trips. I don't remember ever hearing the same story twice, which bugged me. I wished that he would write down his stories. I told him this, and he would always say the same thing-- "Someday."

My dad is always making up extremely ridiculous songs on the guitar, usually at the worst times. For example, when I'm trying to read and he's singing about me, it gets kind of hard to concentrate. Or when someone's in a bad mood, they get a full six-verse song complete with a refrain. That isn't the worst, though. The absolute worst is when he begins to belt out a song about me and whatever random guy he thinks I like. Yeah, those moments usually aren't my most virtuous. . . .

My point is, my dad is incredibly creative. He will try absolutely everything. One year, my mom got him a violin for Christmas (actually, he got himself a violin for Christmas and said it was from Mom) and he played around with it for months. Sure, it was really, really, really annoying, but I admired his determination. He always is eager to learn whatever my siblings' or my favorite song is on guitar so that we can sing it together. He is always providing opportunities for us, whether it be taking me to a cafe to write, paying for a Catholic school education, piano lessons, guitar lessons, and numerous other things.

As many of you may know, my family is moving. My dad was recently hired as the Secretariat Leader for Evangelization and Parish Life in the Diocese of Toledo. He began his job yesterday and moved on Friday. I just wanted to take this opportunity to share how much he has inspired me-- in my writing, yes, but in pretty much every aspect of my life. I am so proud of him and so blest to be his daughter.

A Quote and a Note

How true this is. . . my family is moving to another state and I came home today to find many books packed up in boxes. My house feels incredibly hollow, I guess. I never noticed how much books bring to a home.

(Google Images)