Partial Letting Go

Sometimes, things go wrong. Specifically, sometimes things get destroyed.

And it hurts.

I'm a planner, and I like to plan everything down to the last detail. I'm a control freak, I like to be in control of my emotions and feelings (or at least, I try to be. Whether or not I succeed is a whole different blog post). I like to be in control of situations, of knowing exactly what to expect. I try to plan things I don't have control over.

I used to be a lot worse. Thankfully, God's grace is leading me to surrender my plans and my need to be in control...but, oh man, did I used to be bad.

I used to do this thing I like to call Partial Letting Go. Okay, let's be honest--I still do it sometimes. I'm very good at it, so sit tight while I explain.

Partial Letting Go is when your mom offers you the last cookie. You really (I mean really) want it but you feel like she might want it too so you say "No, that's okay you can have it". However, your words aren't matching your mental attitude--nor the lust in your eyes as you gaze at the beautiful creation. Not your mom, that would be weird--the cookie.

You gave up the cookie. But just because you want your mom to give it right back up to you.

I'm SO SO SO SO SO guilty of this when it comes to God and life.

Let's face it--somethings just don't work out and nor are they meant to. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season. And that is okay, it's a part of life. That doesn't mean it hurts less, however, when friendships (or any-other-ships) end.

Sometimes, things go wrong. Sometimes, we can't fix them.

When I finally come to realize this, it's like hitting a brick wall. I come to see that wow, I really am not in control. I didn't plan for this. Then, I'm forced to just surrender-- God, here, have this situation. Which, in reality, I should have been doing throughout the whole of the situation...but, again, different blog post.

Anyway, this is where the Partial Letting Go comes in. I give [insert person, place, or thing] to God...but expect Him to give [person, place, or thing] back. AH! Did you catch that? I expect Him to give it back. Because, for some reason, the planner and control freak that I am thinks that she knows more than the Creator of the Universe.

And then, of course, I become upset when I don't get it back. Sometimes I do...but usually I don't. I get angry at God, saying I gave this to you, I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working out?! Why am I still crying?! Why am I hurt?!

Perhaps...my eyes are quite different from His.

Perhaps...I don't see the full picture.

Perhaps...I'm not in control. But perhaps He is.

Perhaps...I'm stuck in the moment.

Perhaps...He's trying to teach me something.

Perhaps all of these are true. Actually, I know all of these are true, but it's really hard to see that in the moment.

It's okay to want it back, when we let it go. But with our want must come an even deeper abiding trust that God knows what is best for us. Not only does He know, He desperately wants what is best for us. And not only that...but He will go as far as He needs to do what is best for us.

He knows. He knows the pain...He cries with you, He holds you. Just surrender....and not just partially, but completely. Praying for you.

Enough

I am a control freak.

I used to have a need to fix everything. And everyone. RIGHT NOW. I used to try to fix myself all the time and beat myself up for not being the perfect person I was "supposed to be", for "not being enough".

Then I realized that I cannot fix other people or myself. The only standard I should be comparing myself to is God's and, in Him, I am always enough. He is enough for me.

Those are dangerous words to say. Rephrase that: those are dangerous words to mean. 

He is enough for me. 

I say that I love Jesus and I'm super involved with church stuff, but when it comes to truly giving my life to Him...to letting Him consume me...to completely trusting Him with everything...

Yeah no thanks. Not interested. I have my plans, my ideas, and apparently I know way more about the world then God does.

After living like this for a while, I eventually came to the realization that my plans are stupid and don't work

http://speaknowtaylor.tumblr.com/post/35286599304

So then I had to face the scary truth that my world was out of control and there was nothing I could do about it. Honestly, it had been out of control for a while because I had no anchor. I had pretended for so long to be "God" basically, that I started to believe it. Then the love of Jesus overpowered me and set me on fire with a desire for Him. All I want is to be His.

Even though I'm continually growing in my faith and my relationship with Jesus, I have to tell him to take control of everything every day. I have so many fears that prevent me from trusting Him.

This is sort of how my thought process works. Brace yourself.

I am so not good enough. Everyone else is just better, more composed. No one else fails as miserably as I do. I'm never even going to get published. Can I even write? Am I supposed to even be doing this? Ugh and what the heck about college? How am I going to pay for it? Where am I going to go? What am I supposed to do with my life? And I'm so scared about what is going on in the world right now. I'm going to die, we're all going to die, and then I'm really never going to be published.

This is the perfect example of someone who is not anchored in God. I need to be reminded daily of who I am, of how beautiful I am in the love of Christ. I need to trust God that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life. As for what is going on in the world? All I can do is pray, pray, pray. God wants us to ask for things...He is always in control, despite how grim any situation may seem.

I think everybody struggles with this in some respect. We all try to figure things out on our own, and get upset when they don't work out. We need God's grace to hand over everything to Him. He's way better at being in control than I am.

To bring this full circle...to truly mean the words "He is enough for me", means to firmly believe that God is in control. It means to not question, but to pray without ceasing. It means to firmly believe that God's plan is more powerful than anything else.

It means that I stop trying to fix everyone, that I let go and let God. Because He's got this and He's the only person worth living for.