Enough

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

The word "enough" was basically what drove a lot of my actions for much of high school. Not because I was enough, but because I wasn't. Or so I thought.

I was bullied in grade school and I felt like I had a rough time fitting in freshman year. So, when I moved to a new school and a new town sophomore year, bam, perfect chance to reinvent myself, am I right?! 

I had this longing to be liked. That's not a bad thing, wanting to be liked! However, it can become dangerous when it's what controls us.

I hate the word "enough". 

If I could go back in time and say anything to my pre-high school self, this is what I would say: You are already enough.

I spent SO. MUCH. TIME. trying to be enough for myself, for everyone around me, and for God. 

I thought that if I could get guys to like me, then I would be enough. I thought that if I could get invited to every party and get accepted into every friend group, then I would be enough. I thought that if I could get good grades and be recognized for my achievements, then I would be enough. I thought that if I was enough for the people around me, then I would be enough for myself.

And who cares what it took to be enough for my peers? At least that's what I thought. As long as I was happy, as long as I was being filled...and then after that I'll clean myself up and make myself enough for God. But the thing is, I wasn't happy or being filled. 

What I was was depressed. I was gossiping, because that's what's cool, right? To talk about this person with that person and then that person with this person. I had to be so many things to so many different people, because not everyone likes the same thing. I wore so many masks. I wasn't looking at people as made in the Image and Likeness of God, I was looking at them and asking the question: "How can I use you to fill me? How can you fix me?" 

I became depressed because I was so focused on myself. 

I knew that I was a mess because I felt like a mess. So, naturally, I kept doing the same things. On the outside, I looked like the perfect little Catholic girl. But on the inside? I didn't want God to see me. I felt like I wasn't enough for anyone in my life, let alone myself, so how could I possibly be enough for the Creator of the universe? 

My prayers went something like this: "God, hey, please fix this, this, and this, but then look away because I don't want you to see any of this. 'Kay bye." I felt like once I got my act together, then God could be a part of my life. But until then, I was only good with Him seeing my church self and that was about it.

Towards the end of the year, I became so angry. All of my life, I had heard about God's love and how He is supposed to always be there and I cried out to Him. Maybe you've said something similar:

GOD WHERE ARE YOU? WHY CAN'T I FEEL YOU? DO YOU EVEN LISTEN? DO YOU EVEN CARE?

Everything inside of me felt so broken. I had what I had wanted-- guys liking me, lots of friends, great grades-- and I was even emptier than when I started. 

Then, one day, I heard this song..."How He Loves", the Jesus Culture version. In the song, Kim Walker-Smith talks about having a love encounter with God...she says that when we have this love encounter with Him, it changes us, and we are never the same. 

I realized that I wasn't feeling God because I had filled my heart with lies. I wasn't seeing Him work in my life because I had pushed Him out of my heart and my life, and in exchange, I claimed so much hurt that came from lies, use, gossip, insincerity...

I remember, in that moment, saying: "Jesus, I am so weak, and I need you." And immediately, I felt His presence.

I didn't become perfect the next day and I'm not perfect now. But Jesus Christ is so faithful! By His grace, each day, I grow closer and closer to Him.

Y'all, we are not enough on our own. When we fill ourselves with things other than Christ...we will never be enough. When we judge ourselves against standards posed by pictures on Instagram and Cosmo articles, we will never be enough. 

Jesus Christ died to make us enough. He died so that you would be enough. Why should we fill ourselves with hurt and lies when we can cling to One who made the stars? He longs to heal your heart.

He is desperately, madly in love with you.

I have made many mistakes. I have mistreated myself and others. God knows that-- He sees it all, He knows it all. Despite this...He still loves me.

Friends, nothing you do can increase or decrease your infinite value in Jesus. You are priceless, you are worthy of love. Don't wait to fix yourself, to fix your mess before letting Jesus in. Spoiler alert, you can't fix it. Christ already fixed things when He died on that cross. You don't have to hide from Him...bring Him your brokenness. 

When you feel ashamed, bring it to the cross. When you hate yourself, bring it to the cross. When you want to give up, bring it to the cross. Shatter these things against the cross, because the cross makes us enough. How absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. 

Praying for you always.

"And I don't have the time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us..."

Crushes and Dating

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

*Today is the combination of letters C and D*


"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

I have learned an abundance of things about crushes and dating throughout the past few years. Strangely enough, I've never actually been in a dating relationship. But please, pull up a chair and a bowl of cookie dough, and allow me to humbly share.

I am a romantic. I feel deeply. And, y'all, I have done some preeeetty stupid things when it has come to crushes.

I went into high school with the mindset of NO DATING due to one, my parents' rule, and two, my own personal conviction. To me, it was simply illogical to enter into a high school relationship when I've always seen dating as a precursor to marriage. Not ready for marriage, not ready to date. I also saw older friends enter into high school relationships and miss out on so many other friendships with other people as well as getting to better know themselves.

It's pretty easy to have those convictions when you go to an all girls school.



On Being Crushed On

Sophomore year hit (new school-- with boys) and with it came the realization that, wow, guys liked me. Someone made the joke that year that all of the guys in our class of less than one hundred had already been through all of the girls the previous year and I was basically fresh meat.

Here's a confession: I really liked being liked. Like, liked-liked. A lot a lot.

When I found out that guys liked me that year, I did one of two things: 1. totally lead him on without intention of dating or 2. completely ignored him. Both are probably the absolute worst things I could have possibly done, given the situations.

Let me speak directly to my lady readers. We live in such a man-bashing culture where we women like to talk about how stupid and ridiculous men are. Women are definitely objectified, that's a separate issue. But men are not stupid. They have hearts, they have minds, they have dreams. 

We all have a responsibility to everyone we encounter. We can bring people closer to Love (Jesus Christ) or further away from Him. There is no middle. The people who like us are no different.

It could be argued that the responsibility increases when we're "liked". For sure, there are times when heartbreak is inevitable. But in everything we do, we have to see the "crusher" as a human being, worthy of love, made in the Image and Likeness of God. That truth is what needs to guide our actions.

I remember one of my closest friends sophomore year really liked this one girl A LOT. They were "talking" (I hate that word) for weeks before he asked her to homecoming, where he planned on asking her out. Everyone thought that she liked him and they were going to start dating...and then at homecoming, she completely stopped talking to him. He was devastated, needless to say.

Our culture is all about using. It's not "how can I give of myself for you?" it's "how can I take of you for me?"

I personally fell into that trap. I was so caught up with being emotionally filled by guys liking me that all I could think about was myself. I didn't care about the consequences for either of us, really, it was just as long as I could have that warm fuzzy feeling of acceptance and the power that it brought with it. My fear of being uncomfortable lead me to just cut off other guys that maybe would have turned out to be good friends had I not completely shut down.

There's not a formula for what to do when you're liked and you don't return the feeling. But here's a key virtue: honesty. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the crusher. We need to boot the fear of being uncomfortable and the desire for emotional (and maybe even physical) pleasure from the driver's seat and instead cling to honesty, genuine love, and put others before ourselves.




On Crushing On

Hearts are a tricky thing. Liking someone is an extremely tricky thing, because there are so many levels. There are the crushes that last two minutes and then the ones that last two years. There are the ones that just fade away and then the ones that lead to life-changing heartbreak.

I am a romantic (surprise!). I like princesses and I like happy endings. I also have standards that are pretty high. I had two pretty "major" crushes in high school...and, well, I hope you still have some cookie dough left because here's where it gets good.

Crush Number One (protecting the names of the uninnocent. Or I guess guilty works) was a guy who was just really, really nice. I was kind of obsessed with him and it probably kind of showed. Y'all know, that stereotypical crush that makes you walk down certain hallways at certain times? Yep. Me. It ended pretty suddenly when at the end of the year, he just stopped talking to me. I spent all of the following summer crying about it.

Crush Number Two was, er, slipperier. We were "best friends" and hung out constantly...so it was kind of very natural. After almost a full school year, I ended that friend-or-whatever-we-were-ship because he had a girlfriend and I was so emotionally confused and it was just messy.

Both situations started the same way: with me thinking a guy was cute and then thinking about and obsessing over him so much that it escalated to a "crush". Honestly, I don't even remember why I liked either of those guys. Once again, I wanted to be emotionally filled. I would text certain things ("you're my best friend", "I love you") just to get other things texted back ("you're my best friend too!", "I love you too!").

I do know that I gave a lot of myself emotionally to both of these guys.

Because of my crush dealings, I have developed a Crush Battle Plan:

1. What are my intentions? Am I being genuine in everything? Do I want his greater good? And I am being respectful to who I am as a daughter of God?
         
2. What kind of guy is he and why do I like him? Is he a person that I would want my parents to come to know? Does he place God above all others?

3. What is going on in my life? How is my relationship with myself? With other people? With God? Am I in a place where it would be wise to enter into a relationship?

4.  What is God saying about it? Am I covering this decision in prayer?

5. Am I forcing it? Are things lining up or am I trying too hard to make it work?

Some people might argue that it's stupid to take a crush so seriously. But obviously, I'm not talking about your crush on Adam Levine; I'm talking about real, strong feelings...our emotions are REAL and STRONG-- they have power. Especially when it comes to us women. If we don't continually surrender to Jesus and allow Him to take control...things do get messy.

More than anything, we need to be grounded in God. Because no relationship is ever going to satisfy us besides the one of between the Father and His child...you.




The Taboo Subject of Dating

I have made it through high school without a boyfriend. Well, knock on wood, still about a month to go...but I think that not having a boyfriend in high school was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. Was it always easy? Nope. Especially not when all of my friends were in relationships...it got lonely. Sometimes there was even a huge temptation to feel like something was wrong with me.

But are those good reasons to enter into a relationship? Because of popularity and self esteem issues? Those are just two of a list I've come to discover why high schoolers enter into relationships:

1. Because I can't stand being alone
2. Because it's a great status symbol.
3. Because he's cute.
4. Because I need a prom date.
5. Because I need to feel something.
6. Because I like the attention. 
7. Because he needs my help; I want to make him a better person.

And so many more...

Maybe there are so high schoolers who date with better intentions. But look at what dating is meant for: for the discernment of marriage. As high school students, as teenagers-- are we ready to even think about that? 

I have seen far too many high schoolers become so lost in relationships that they forget who they are. High school is a time of self discovery. An exclusive dating relationship is meant for two people who know who they are, who are mature, and who love God more than each other. I don't really know any teens who meet that criteria. 

A big danger of high school dating is that a person can get so lost in another person that they don't get the privilege of getting to know him-or-herself. So many friendships can be missed out on too (especially with the opposite gender). I lost one of my closest friends due to her boyfriend obsession.

Not dating in high school has helped me to better discover who I am. It's helped me stay focused on my hopes and dreams and eradicating my fears. It has helped my friendships. Ultimately, it has brought me to a deeper love and understanding of Jesus Christ.

The Future

Y'all, I want to be married so so so much. I think marriage is such a beautiful thing. Maybe it's God's will and maybe it's not...so I'm just going to keep clinging to Him and His Word. I found this particularly appropriate:

"Do not awaken love until it so desires." --Song of Songs 8:4

We don't need to run around looking for someone to like, date, or even marry. God's got it. God has a plan. Even when we mess up, He still has a plan. He has a plan for you, He has a plan for your future spouse...and guess what? He knows your heart's deepest desires and His every action is designed to satisfy your needs and true wants. 

Let's stop fighting against Him and surrender anew to His will, allowing Him to work in our lives.

Let's also remember...God gave men and women to each other, but He made our hearts for His. There is nothing in the whole world that can satisfy our heart's deepest longings besides Him.

So, let us dance with God. Let us be the best person we can be for Him, for ourselves...and then, when we're ready, He'll let the person of our dreams cut in.

I am praying for you always!

Best Friends

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

**I know, I know-- I'm a day behind. A thousand apologies. It's been an insane weekend. BUT, never fear, tomorrow will be the combination of letters C and D-- tune in to get my thoughts on CRUSHES AND DATING!**

One of the first things I noticed at my new school sophomore year was that everyone had a best friend. At least, seemingly. It was prevalent at my previous school as well, but, hey, that was freshman year. People were still trying to figure out who they were and wanted to be and wanted to be with. You're supposed to have all that figured out by sophomore year, don't you know. 

Best friends. Tenth grade, it seemed to be defined as someone with whom your name was synonymous with. "Oh, Annie? You mean Katie's best friend?" A best friend was someone who proved that someone actually did like you, someone who prevented you from being completely alone. Someone who always said the right thing and made everything better. Someone who stuck up for you and yelled at the bad guys.

I have had so many "best friends" throughout high school, lasting from two weeks to two years. Variance was easy and commitment was difficult-- y'all, I have been enrolled in a total of three high schools. 

Here's the thing about all of those best friends. None of them has lasted, at least in the best friend sense. And here's the other thing. They've all let me down. No doubt that I've let them down as well.

"WHAT?! But then they weren't true best friends, am I right? Because real best friends last forever."

Okay, y'all better hold onto your Easter bonnets (everyone wears Easter bonnets on Monday mornings, correct?) because I'm about to share a shocking revelation that I had late last year.

A "best friend" (at least, how the world views it) is a completely fictional idea that, much like thigh gaps, is totally unattainable.

I don't have any best friends this year. Which is funny, because the friends that I do have? I am closer to than I've ever been with anyone. Maybe you could say, yeah, well, doesn't matter what you actually call it, they're still you're best friends. And maybe that's true. But I feel like I have a whole different mindset.

Previously, I have seen best friends as a self-serving kind of thing. I want them to fill me, to heal me, to always be there, to always say the right thing, to stick up for me. I have had many beautiful best friends...and no one has ever done all of these things. 

But aren't those kind of unreasonable expectations? Basing all of your happiness on a flawed human being? With this mindset, best friends have the tendency to come between myself and myself as well as myself and God.

The other thing about proclaiming a certain person as a "best friend" is that it excludes all other people. When I hear people talk about their best friend, a part of me is always like "well, you don't need me". I feel like when we put one person up on a pedestal and give her the duties of basically Being Perfect and exclude all other females from this title, it has the danger of preventing us from being good friends with other people. 

I have known people who I thought I was decently close with and they would continually bring up their best friends. Maybe I'm just sensitive, but it kind of made me feel inferior.  

Our definition of "best friend" has been tainted by media, in my opinion, just like a whole lot of other things. We see the best friendships in movies, books, and even music. We see on social media, as well, the seemingly perfect best friendships of people we know. 

I have found in these last months that removing the term "best friend" from my vocabulary has been pretty impact. It has removed the temptation to use someone emotionally to make me feel better and fix my problems. It allows the people in my life to just be people and allows me to love them more deeply. 

To the person who doesn't have a best friend: there is NOTHING wrong with you. Really, I promise. Unless you smell bad. Then take a shower and you'll be fine. But in all seriousness, having a person to call "best friend" doesn't make you more or less of  a person. A best friend won't ultimately fix you or make everything better or satisfy you. You don't need fixing, friend. Only God can satisfy you. You are beautiful, treasured, sacred, and His. 

Prayers always.

Alone

So excited to be doing the A to Z Challenge for the second year in a row! I will be posting each day (besides Sunday) this month. I'll be posting things I've learned throughout high school.

I have always thought of "alone" as negative, bringing on other words such as "rejection" and "abandoned". It summons memories of sobbing by myself in my room or walking through a crowded hallway, unseen.

Alone. I have experienced loneliness. 

Freshman year, I felt so alone. I remember thinking that high school was a great, big magical place, and I was so ready to kill everyone with kindness. I remembered this one girl in my second grade class who always smiled at everyone and was so, so sweet. Everyone loved her. I wanted to be like that-- liked by everyone, friends with everyone.

But then...the people I smiled at didn't all smile back. Most looked away or didn't even meet my eyes to begin with. I tried to be friends with everyone, but there must have been something wrong with my methods, because it didn't really work. 

So, I shut down. I stopped trying...and bitterness grew inside of me.

In the three years after ninth grade, so much happened. I continued to experience various forms of loneliness, but was mostly able to stifle it with "friends" (loose definition of the term at times). Until the start of this school year.

Senior year. It's a crazy thing. And the thing about the crazy thing is that it brings about a lot of change. For one reason or another, I found myself alone. The majority of my friends living out of town and having lost touch with the rest, I didn't really have anyone to just hang out with or grab coffee with or other typical friend stuff.

Loneliness. It can be crushing.

Earlier this year, I was venting on the phone to my cousin about how alone I felt. She had the most Holy Spirit-filled response: "What is God using this time to teach you? Maybe He just wants some Annie time."

That was such a huge slap in the face-- in a good way. 

Maybe He just wants some Annie time.

We're so quick to be negative about when we're alone. But maybe our loneliness is a reminder of something more...that we weren't created for this world. We weren't created to be satisfied by these people that surround us. Loneliness is a scream from our hearts for God.

Because without Him, even what we see as the "best" of relationships is absolutely pointless.

I have come to believe that Jesus has allowed me to go through times of loneliness to get rid of the temptation to fill myself with other people. In times of loneliness, Jesus has showed me that He alone can fill me and that He alone will remain faithful.

I ask God "why" all the time, especially when I've gone through alone time. A verse that really answers that question is Sirach 39:21:

"No cause then to say, 'what is the purpose of this?' For everything is chosen to satisfy a need."

So what is my need? My ultimate need? To be filled by God, to let Him completely take over in every part of my life. Perhaps God chooses loneliness to satisfy that longing in our hearts for Him, by removing the distractions of other people.

Let's allow our loneliness to point us to a God whose arms are continually open and beckoning, despite wherever we've been. St. Paul tells us to rejoice in all things, so let us rejoice in the times when we feel alone!

And here's the best part: God will fill our hearts. It's not something we have to convince Him to do; He already longs to. Just think: when we're feeling alone or rejected, we feel but a shadow of His heart. Think of all of the people living without God, continually rejecting Him...and we've been a part of that very boat.

Jesus Christ alone can fill us. He alone can heal our lonely hearts. So let's surrender anew each day to His awesome, powerful love.

Holy Wedding Day

About a year ago, I wrote this reflection following receiving Jesus in the Eucharist about some God-inspired imaginings. I think that it's totally appropriate for these next couple of days:

I was still in darkness, but longing for light.

Exhausted, I took a step forward, towards a doorway. The invisible hand of darkness pushed me forward, whispering for me to go. I obeyed.

Suddenly, I was standing in the light.

About one hundred feet away stood a man, standing before an enormous gate. I caught a glimpse of Him before He saw me. He was pacing, wringing his hands. As though He was waiting.

“You see me.”

And then, His eyes met mine. Even though he was a distance away, I could feel the radiant glow of His face. I felt a burst of love like nothing I had ever felt in my life, and it consumed all of me. In that moment, I knew that that was for what I was made.

“You know me.”

He started running. And tears of joy started streaming down my face...He’s running. To me.

I started to run but then I looked down and realized I was wearing a magnificent, full skirted wedding dress, complete with high heels that didn’t exactly support the idea of running.

But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to meet Him. So I kicked them off, hiked up the dress, and ran to Him.

As we drew closer, I saw bursts of memories from my life, both happy and sad. I looked into His eyes and knew that He was seeing them too.
“You love me through and through.”

I stopped a foot away from Him, but He didn’t stop. His face...the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen, words can’t describe it.

In one swift motion, he picked me up and cradled me in His arms.

He saw my sin, all the times I had messed up. But in His arms, it was gone.

He whispered, “I love you.”

And slowly, he walked back towards the gate, the biggest smile on His face. I felt so...at peace. I was able to love with every single part of me. And I knew that this was why I was made.

He walked through the gate and it closed behind us. I knew that it would never be opening for me again, but I did not feel trapped. This was where I was meant to be.

This was where He wanted me to be.

THIS is Jesus. Jesus is not the guy pointing fingers, screaming at us. He is the one who loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. He sees past every single hurt and RUNS to us.

Maybe His sacrifice makes you feel guilty. Maybe you don’t like the fact that you need to be saved, that someone sees you and loves you anyway. Maybe you think that His love isn’t for you, that you don’t deserve it. Maybe you think that you can’t surrender or you’ve tried and failed.

The reality is, how we feel about Jesus’s love has nothing to do with the truth of it. Regardless of if we “wanted” Him to or not, Jesus died for us. And He loves us so much that He will let us choose to whether or not to accept His love.

We have to be open to receiving this love, to letting it influence our lives. I know that it’s hard. Surrendering to Jesus is a lifelong process. Everyone fails, but we don't have to give up. His grace is sufficient.

Once we make it through that doorway and surrender, He’ll start running towards us and nothing can stop Him.

He wants you. That’s what matters. Not that you feel like you don’t deserve it. His sacrifice makes you worthy. This is our ultimate purpose, to love Him.

I think I what I was seeing was a picture me entering Heaven. But the image is still relevant on earth. We’re called to step out of sin here and now, and into the arms of Jesus.

Have you ever felt like nobody sees you, that you’re alone? He sees you. Not only that, He knows you. He’s not a distant God, but a God who is always with you. He’s cried with you, laughed with you. And He loves you. Every single part of you. He loves you enough to die, and rise again.

What is going to be your response to this radical love? Let’s pray to humble ourselves to accept this love and surrender. Ask for the grace to love him deeper. Ask without doubt, but with faith that Jesus will always come through.

THIS is what these days of Holy Week are about. Christ running to us. Jesus dying so that we might now Him...so that we might come to Him. 

He's coming to you, friend. He's with you. Surrender.

Praying for you.

(Take a listen to this song...very fitting with the theme of this post and this week:)

Liebster Award + A to Z Theme Reveal

Happy Monday, friends! I hope the start to your spring is much more relaxing than mine. Senior year, college stuff, and work are far scarier and more demanding than the monsters that lived in my closet in days of yore. Prayers for energy and focus and peace would be much appreciated.

I was recently nominated for the Liebster Award by Abi from over at The Left-Handed Typist. Abi is incredibly sweet, funny, and left handed. Also, she has a very sincere, fresh writing style, so definitely check out her blog. Despite my admiration for the amazing Abi, I have to break the rules a bit by not actually nominating anyone. However, I did come up with questions, so if you want to answer in the comments or on your blog, that would be sweet!

1. What's the story behind your blog's name?

I started AM Station the summer before my freshman year of high school (coming up on four years!). I don't really remember how the name came into play...I remember sitting on my bedroom floor in PA, figuring out the formatting with my (very obliging) cousin. I feel like my dad suggested a name that lead to "AM Station"...or maybe he just flat out suggested it...either way, I guess he gets some credit. Obviously, it's a play off of FM or AM radio, and since my name is Anne Marie...it works.

2. What is your favorite stage of writing?

Ah, such a great (and hard) question! I love all the stages for different reasons. I'll go with first draft. I love planning and plotting and then finally being able to let the characters and story just come to life.

3. Where/in what conditions do you write the best?

No one can be around. I don't work well when there are people around me because I feel like someone is always staring at me. Doesn't matter if it's in my living room or in a coffee shop, I'm just too distracted. Besides that, there really isn't any other criteria. I usually write in my bedroom, which is bright yellow, at my purple desk right at my window, which overlooks a pretty decent size woods. 

4. What is a country you would like to visit?
England. I love English culture and accents and a decent percent of my blood is English.

5. What is your favorite historical period?

I like too many! I really like the 20s, 40s, and 50s.

6. What is your favorite dessert?

I'm actually somewhat picky about desserts. If I'm going to consume the calories, it's got to be worth it. Dry donuts and cakey brownies are the worst. Also I can't stand overly sugary frosting and cake that isn't moist. Not the biggest crunchy cookie fan either. And don't even get me started on pies...I cannot do pie crust. Apple, fruit, whatever. Blueberry is kind of okay. I would have to say ice-cream is one place where I am rarely disappointed. Except this past summer, my dad kept getting all of this ice-cream from a local ice-cream place that was in their mess-up freezer...kind of tasted like creamy cardboard plastic.

7. What's the furthest you've ever been from home?

Destin, Florida, which is fourteen hours away. We went on vacation there this past November and it was incredible.

8. What is your earliest memory?

Hmm...earliest. I'm just going to tweak it to "early". My first bed was a king size (since then, I downgraded to a double, then a twin, and now I'm back up to a queen) that literally took up the majority of my bedroom. Anyway. I remember very vividly lining up my multitudes of stuffed animals and dolls and telling them stories. Also, the staircase to the attic/playroom was in my bedroom, and I was convinced that Michael Alvin (a bad guy of my imagination) lived up there. As long as I was under my covers with my buddies, though, I was safe.

9. What is your happy place?

My happy place is anywhere in prayer. If I can be in the presence of Jesus...what more could I ask for?

10. If you could pick one author/screenwriter to meet, who would it be?
Jane Austen.

11. What is your favorite book adapted movie/show?

Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version.

Now, for my questions:
1. Favorite ice-cream flavor?
2. Awkward/embarrassing childhood hobby?
3. Crazy dream job (un-writing related)?
4. Fine point or ultra fine point sharpie?
5. Current favorite song?
6. Captain America or Iron Man?
7. Favorite scene in current WIP?
8. Who is Jesus Christ to you?
9. Flip-flops or sneakers in the summer?
10. Write me a poem.
11. Post a picture of a hair cut that you want but would be too scared to ever get.

There you have it!

WAIT! Don't leave yet, there's more!

For the second year in a row, I'm doing the A TO Z CHALLENGE! Which is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done, since I'm already drowning in all sorts of deadlines that have serious implications for my future. Plus I had a great theme idea and I've prayed a lot about it so I am going to do my best to get it done!

(For those unaware, the A to Z is a challenge where bloggers attempted to blog thematically from the letter "a" to "z" every day in April, save Sundays.)

So....theme music. For my theme reveal. The reveal of my theme. My theme's reveal. The reveal which corresponds to my theme.

Ahem.

EVERYTHING I LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL: Letters to my High School Self

Well, maybe not everything I've learned...but the biggies. Senior year has brought out so much reflectiveness (not a word, whatever, I didn't learn to spell in high school obviously) in my self, which is saying a lot, because I'm a pretty reflective person. Anyway, I have had a very unique (or at least, I like to think so) high school experience and have been looking for an opportunity to dive into my story.

What will you see if you chose to stick around during April? You'll see the grace of God at work, and all of the tears, heartbreak, laughter, and joy that it brings.

Like I wrote in my last post, we have to tell our stories. We simply have to. God gave them to use for a reason, a long with words and fingers to write. So, dear friends, I hope you'll read my stories...they are my gift to you.

Have a blessed Holy Week.

The Power of Your Story

I love to share things that have happened to me. A crazy amount of ridiculous things have taken place in my life, and I enjoy sharing the hilarity of awkward situations I've been forced into.

But beyond the silliness...are we sharing our stories?

Our stories about when we didn't think we were going to make it. About when we almost ended it all. About when we didn't think God would come through. About when we were broken in so many pieces, we were certain that we would never be healed. About the immense pain caused by a family member or friend.

And how about the stories of incredible joy and goodness? When we did pull through? When God showed up? When we saw a purpose in the pain? When the unthinkable happened? When we fell into the arms of Jesus...when we realized the power He has in our lives?

These are the stories that make us who we are. Our generation has so many platforms for communication, with technology and social media. We have the potential to reach more people than was ever before possible.

Sometimes, I wonder if God lets us go through certain things because He wants us to be a comfort to people who will go through the same. I wonder if He allows us certain hurts because it will bring us closer as a Church...to truly be one body.

Our stories need to be shared. And not flippantly, as though they don't matter, as though they are powerless...but proclaimed as they are. Without trying to downplay the pain. Without trying to downplay the goodness.

"They conquered him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony." -Revelation 12:11

Revelation 12:10 accuses Satan of being the "accuser". At least in my life, that is his most accurate title. He accuses me of not being good enough, of not being important enough. He tells me that God can't use my life, God can't use my stories...that I'm too little and insignificant. He points his finger at me and says what I'm going through is too big for me, it's too big for God, and pain only leads to more pain.

Well duh. Satan isn't stupid.

The great accuser is CONQUERED by BLOOD OF THE LAMB. That is the Blood of Christ Jesus, spilled out for us on the cross...it literally covers us and conquers Satan.

I think it is so cool that NOT ONLY is Satan conquered by Jesus's Blood, but also by our testimony. God uses our stories-- the good and the seemingly bad-- to DEFEAT SATAN. God uses you to defeat evil.

So of course, Satan is going to downplay the importance of your story. He is going to tell you that it's not as exciting as everyone else's story, that it's not going to have an impact on anyone. He's going to tell you that God can't use your story...but that's exactly what God wants to do.

For me, telling my stories has been so healing for me. Being able to proclaim God's workings in my life is such a blessing. But it's more than just me...time after time, Jesus has used my story to bring healing to another person's life, which is the most humbling thing ever. Being used to glorify God and advance His kingdom...wow. It's amazing.

Friends, He desires to use you, too, in so many amazing ways! Never once doubt that He is not using you and that He will not use you. Together, let's pray to surrender more deeply to being used by Him.

God is continually working in all of our lives. We are living our testimonies out...our stories are not over. But God sees everything, beginning, end, and middle, and He pours out His love and His goodness upon us every minute of every day. Let's glorify His name and proclaim our testimony, to set prisoners free and kick Satan's butt.


If you're doing this whole Lent thing, here's my challenge for you: share your story. How has God worked in your life? Where has His goodness manifested itself? Share it in the comments and then pray for opportunities to share it with those in your life!