I used to have a need to fix everything. And everyone. RIGHT NOW. I used to try to fix myself all the time and beat myself up for not being the perfect person I was "supposed to be", for "not being enough".
Then I realized that I cannot fix other people or myself. The only standard I should be comparing myself to is God's and, in Him, I am always enough. He is enough for me.
Those are dangerous words to say. Rephrase that: those are dangerous words to mean.
He is enough for me.
I say that I love Jesus and I'm super involved with church stuff, but when it comes to truly giving my life to Him...to letting Him consume me...to completely trusting Him with everything...
Yeah no thanks. Not interested. I have my plans, my ideas, and apparently I know way more about the world then God does.
After living like this for a while, I eventually came to the realization that my plans are stupid and don't work
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Even though I'm continually growing in my faith and my relationship with Jesus, I have to tell him to take control of everything every day. I have so many fears that prevent me from trusting Him.
This is sort of how my thought process works. Brace yourself.
I am so not good enough. Everyone else is just better, more composed. No one else fails as miserably as I do. I'm never even going to get published. Can I even write? Am I supposed to even be doing this? Ugh and what the heck about college? How am I going to pay for it? Where am I going to go? What am I supposed to do with my life? And I'm so scared about what is going on in the world right now. I'm going to die, we're all going to die, and then I'm really never going to be published.
This is the perfect example of someone who is not anchored in God. I need to be reminded daily of who I am, of how beautiful I am in the love of Christ. I need to trust God that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life. As for what is going on in the world? All I can do is pray, pray, pray. God wants us to ask for things...He is always in control, despite how grim any situation may seem.
I think everybody struggles with this in some respect. We all try to figure things out on our own, and get upset when they don't work out. We need God's grace to hand over everything to Him. He's way better at being in control than I am.
To bring this full circle...to truly mean the words "He is enough for me", means to firmly believe that God is in control. It means to not question, but to pray without ceasing. It means to firmly believe that God's plan is more powerful than anything else.
It means that I stop trying to fix everyone, that I let go and let God. Because He's got this and He's the only person worth living for.
I wonder if everyone deals with this? Or just certain personalities? I know that my life is one chapter of this after another...arching in and out of times of great trust and times of, "Really, God, why don't you just let me handle this one, 'cause obviously I've GOT it." ;)
ReplyDeleteI've been reading a beautiful non-fiction book by Madeleine L'Engle called "A Circle of Quiet," in which she describes her long wait to have A Wrinkle in Time published. Although she'd already had 6 books published, her agent had to submit Wrinkle for over TEN YEARS before finally (in what was fairly obviously a moment of God stepping in) a publisher agreed to take it on. Even then, he warned her that he was publishing it because he loved it and that she shouldn't expect to make any money from such an unusual book. Anyway....she describes the despair and despondency she often felt during those years: the times she was sure she should give up, the moments when she felt guilty for even trying to write when she still hadn't mastered housewifely things like making a pie, all the instances in which she felt that God wasn't answering her prayers. Because what was wrong, after all, with asking God to let her book be published? But finally, after the book was published and went on to win the Newbery and touch millions of readers, she had the insight to realize that it HAD to be published at the time it was, by the publisher who signed it, at that moment and place in history--and she thanked God for telling her to "wait."
I guess I'm writing all this out because it applies to my life as well as yours. It's been very hard to hear "wait" over and over the past few years. They say it takes most writers 10 years from the time they start writing seriously to the time they sign their first contract. Well, I'm at 8 years now...and it's been hard to face the keyboard lately, with my rejections staring me in the face. So I'm so grateful for Madeleine L'Engle's words--and for yours! I needed them badly today.
Faith, I so appreciate your words...and totally understand the frustration of waiting. What an interesting book! I'll have to check it out. Know that I'm praying for you and even while God is preparing you for amazing things, you're doing some pretty amazing things right now ;) You are so incredible and inspire so many, myself included!
DeleteAnnie this is so true, amazing, and insightful, like wow.
ReplyDeleteWow.
I love you so so much
Becca, thanks for being so supportive of me in absolutely everything I do! Literally, though...everything. You mean the world to me and you're basically one of my all time favorite people in the history of ever. I love you too!
DeleteLoved all this, especially your conversation with the ever-wonderful Faith.
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