Sometimes, things go wrong. Specifically, sometimes things get destroyed.
And it hurts.
I'm a planner, and I like to plan everything down to the last detail. I'm a control freak, I like to be in control of my emotions and feelings (or at least, I try to be. Whether or not I succeed is a whole different blog post). I like to be in control of situations, of knowing exactly what to expect. I try to plan things I don't have control over.
I used to be a lot worse. Thankfully, God's grace is leading me to surrender my plans and my need to be in control...but, oh man, did I used to be bad.
I used to do this thing I like to call Partial Letting Go. Okay, let's be honest--I still do it sometimes. I'm very good at it, so sit tight while I explain.
Partial Letting Go is when your mom offers you the last cookie. You really (I mean really) want it but you feel like she might want it too so you say "No, that's okay you can have it". However, your words aren't matching your mental attitude--nor the lust in your eyes as you gaze at the beautiful creation. Not your mom, that would be weird--the cookie.
You gave up the cookie. But just because you want your mom to give it right back up to you.
I'm SO SO SO SO SO guilty of this when it comes to God and life.
Let's face it--somethings just don't work out and nor are they meant to. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season. And that is okay, it's a part of life. That doesn't mean it hurts less, however, when friendships (or any-other-ships) end.
Sometimes, things go wrong. Sometimes, we can't fix them.
When I finally come to realize this, it's like hitting a brick wall. I come to see that wow, I really am not in control. I didn't plan for this. Then, I'm forced to just surrender-- God, here, have this situation. Which, in reality, I should have been doing throughout the whole of the situation...but, again, different blog post.
Anyway, this is where the Partial Letting Go comes in. I give [insert person, place, or thing] to God...but expect Him to give [person, place, or thing] back. AH! Did you catch that? I expect Him to give it back. Because, for some reason, the planner and control freak that I am thinks that she knows more than the Creator of the Universe.
And then, of course, I become upset when I don't get it back. Sometimes I do...but usually I don't. I get angry at God, saying I gave this to you, I did what I was supposed to do, why isn't this working out?! Why am I still crying?! Why am I hurt?!
Perhaps...my eyes are quite different from His.
Perhaps...I don't see the full picture.
Perhaps...I'm not in control. But perhaps He is.
Perhaps...I'm stuck in the moment.
Perhaps...He's trying to teach me something.
Perhaps all of these are true. Actually, I know all of these are true, but it's really hard to see that in the moment.
It's okay to want it back, when we let it go. But with our want must come an even deeper abiding trust that God knows what is best for us. Not only does He know, He desperately wants what is best for us. And not only that...but He will go as far as He needs to do what is best for us.
He knows. He knows the pain...He cries with you, He holds you. Just surrender....and not just partially, but completely. Praying for you.