Risks

Recently, I took a risk.

In reality, we're always taking risks, right? Getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. But so is staying in the bed. Loving is a risk. Hating is a risk. Risk, risk, risk. Things hardly turn out the way we plan, in my experience, so it's all a risk.

I suppose I should reword that first sentence. Recently, I took a big, larger-than-normal risk.

I've spent so much of my life being silent through hurt. I subscribed to the belief of "stay silent and let go" mixed with the whole "smile-nod-you're-fine" thing. There is a time and a place for silence, for letting go. For deciding that yeah, it's just better to move on.

But what about those things that are actually really important to us? Or were really important? Are we supposed to just suck it up and keep going?

Why do we hold our feelings so close to our chests all the time? I'm a big believer in emotional chastity, a component of which is being prudent about what emotions/parts of ourselves that we're sharing with whom. But part of emotional chastity is being honest about our feelings and not saying "fine" when things clearly aren't.

Back to my risk.

This past year, I was in a very confusing, very complicated situation that left me incredibly hurt and with a lot of unresolved feelings. Through the whole ordeal, however, I'd smiled and nodded like it was all fine. Until the end, when I just couldn't handle it anymore and ended everything.

Unfortunately, the ending, while it did solve somethings, didn't solve everything and gave me new hurt to work through. I felt like I had held back a lot of myself that really needed to be shared, which was funny, because part of the reason I was in this situation in the first place was because I had totally overshared myself.

Months passed. I learned so much about, well, so much. God really poured His love and grace upon me in ways that I had never experienced. Additionally, the love and support that my friends gave me was unbelievable. I am so blessed.

I talked about my feelings so much to my closest friends, which was really helpful. But there was something missing, a roadblock preventing me from completely moving on. After a lot of prayer, I came to realize that though I had spilled out all my emotions, thoughts, and opinions about what had happened to some people, the person who needed to hear it the most hadn't.

I should point out that just because someone needs something doesn't mean they want something.

Anyway, I don't necessarily run away from confrontation, but I don't speed towards it either. I guess it sort of depends on the situation. How did confrontation mix with this situation, though? Let's just say that the confrontation was Nineveh and I was Jonah. Basically, I was trying to distance myself as much as I could from confrontation.

But the feeling kept nagging me, that I needed to share myself one last time. Not in an attempt to "fix everything", but in an attempt to be honest in a way that I had never been. Just because you know something is right, however, doesn't mean that it isn't scary. I've learned that so many times you'd think I'd have really learned it by now, but not really.

Anyway, so I finally did what I do best. Put a pen to a loose leaf sheet of paper.

An hour and four pages of paper later (filled out front and back), there it all was. All that was held inside me for so long. And I knew that I needed to send it. So I did.

I'm still waiting for a response, and I may be waiting forever. But I believe that I did the right thing and I also know that God is in control. I know that He's holding me, I know that He's been in control of the situation even when I lost control.

Risks. They scare us, but why? I believe that God is in control, so why should I be afraid? Sometimes, God pulls us out of our comfort zones to do incredible things. In fact, He does that more often than not. So hold tight, because He's got this. He's got you.