Holy Wedding Day

About a year ago, I wrote this reflection following receiving Jesus in the Eucharist about some God-inspired imaginings. I think that it's totally appropriate for these next couple of days:

I was still in darkness, but longing for light.

Exhausted, I took a step forward, towards a doorway. The invisible hand of darkness pushed me forward, whispering for me to go. I obeyed.

Suddenly, I was standing in the light.

About one hundred feet away stood a man, standing before an enormous gate. I caught a glimpse of Him before He saw me. He was pacing, wringing his hands. As though He was waiting.

“You see me.”

And then, His eyes met mine. Even though he was a distance away, I could feel the radiant glow of His face. I felt a burst of love like nothing I had ever felt in my life, and it consumed all of me. In that moment, I knew that that was for what I was made.

“You know me.”

He started running. And tears of joy started streaming down my face...He’s running. To me.

I started to run but then I looked down and realized I was wearing a magnificent, full skirted wedding dress, complete with high heels that didn’t exactly support the idea of running.

But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to meet Him. So I kicked them off, hiked up the dress, and ran to Him.

As we drew closer, I saw bursts of memories from my life, both happy and sad. I looked into His eyes and knew that He was seeing them too.
“You love me through and through.”

I stopped a foot away from Him, but He didn’t stop. His face...the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen, words can’t describe it.

In one swift motion, he picked me up and cradled me in His arms.

He saw my sin, all the times I had messed up. But in His arms, it was gone.

He whispered, “I love you.”

And slowly, he walked back towards the gate, the biggest smile on His face. I felt so...at peace. I was able to love with every single part of me. And I knew that this was why I was made.

He walked through the gate and it closed behind us. I knew that it would never be opening for me again, but I did not feel trapped. This was where I was meant to be.

This was where He wanted me to be.

THIS is Jesus. Jesus is not the guy pointing fingers, screaming at us. He is the one who loves us UNCONDITIONALLY. He sees past every single hurt and RUNS to us.

Maybe His sacrifice makes you feel guilty. Maybe you don’t like the fact that you need to be saved, that someone sees you and loves you anyway. Maybe you think that His love isn’t for you, that you don’t deserve it. Maybe you think that you can’t surrender or you’ve tried and failed.

The reality is, how we feel about Jesus’s love has nothing to do with the truth of it. Regardless of if we “wanted” Him to or not, Jesus died for us. And He loves us so much that He will let us choose to whether or not to accept His love.

We have to be open to receiving this love, to letting it influence our lives. I know that it’s hard. Surrendering to Jesus is a lifelong process. Everyone fails, but we don't have to give up. His grace is sufficient.

Once we make it through that doorway and surrender, He’ll start running towards us and nothing can stop Him.

He wants you. That’s what matters. Not that you feel like you don’t deserve it. His sacrifice makes you worthy. This is our ultimate purpose, to love Him.

I think I what I was seeing was a picture me entering Heaven. But the image is still relevant on earth. We’re called to step out of sin here and now, and into the arms of Jesus.

Have you ever felt like nobody sees you, that you’re alone? He sees you. Not only that, He knows you. He’s not a distant God, but a God who is always with you. He’s cried with you, laughed with you. And He loves you. Every single part of you. He loves you enough to die, and rise again.

What is going to be your response to this radical love? Let’s pray to humble ourselves to accept this love and surrender. Ask for the grace to love him deeper. Ask without doubt, but with faith that Jesus will always come through.

THIS is what these days of Holy Week are about. Christ running to us. Jesus dying so that we might now Him...so that we might come to Him. 

He's coming to you, friend. He's with you. Surrender.

Praying for you.

(Take a listen to this song...very fitting with the theme of this post and this week:)

Liebster Award + A to Z Theme Reveal

Happy Monday, friends! I hope the start to your spring is much more relaxing than mine. Senior year, college stuff, and work are far scarier and more demanding than the monsters that lived in my closet in days of yore. Prayers for energy and focus and peace would be much appreciated.

I was recently nominated for the Liebster Award by Abi from over at The Left-Handed Typist. Abi is incredibly sweet, funny, and left handed. Also, she has a very sincere, fresh writing style, so definitely check out her blog. Despite my admiration for the amazing Abi, I have to break the rules a bit by not actually nominating anyone. However, I did come up with questions, so if you want to answer in the comments or on your blog, that would be sweet!

1. What's the story behind your blog's name?

I started AM Station the summer before my freshman year of high school (coming up on four years!). I don't really remember how the name came into play...I remember sitting on my bedroom floor in PA, figuring out the formatting with my (very obliging) cousin. I feel like my dad suggested a name that lead to "AM Station"...or maybe he just flat out suggested it...either way, I guess he gets some credit. Obviously, it's a play off of FM or AM radio, and since my name is Anne Marie...it works.

2. What is your favorite stage of writing?

Ah, such a great (and hard) question! I love all the stages for different reasons. I'll go with first draft. I love planning and plotting and then finally being able to let the characters and story just come to life.

3. Where/in what conditions do you write the best?

No one can be around. I don't work well when there are people around me because I feel like someone is always staring at me. Doesn't matter if it's in my living room or in a coffee shop, I'm just too distracted. Besides that, there really isn't any other criteria. I usually write in my bedroom, which is bright yellow, at my purple desk right at my window, which overlooks a pretty decent size woods. 

4. What is a country you would like to visit?
England. I love English culture and accents and a decent percent of my blood is English.

5. What is your favorite historical period?

I like too many! I really like the 20s, 40s, and 50s.

6. What is your favorite dessert?

I'm actually somewhat picky about desserts. If I'm going to consume the calories, it's got to be worth it. Dry donuts and cakey brownies are the worst. Also I can't stand overly sugary frosting and cake that isn't moist. Not the biggest crunchy cookie fan either. And don't even get me started on pies...I cannot do pie crust. Apple, fruit, whatever. Blueberry is kind of okay. I would have to say ice-cream is one place where I am rarely disappointed. Except this past summer, my dad kept getting all of this ice-cream from a local ice-cream place that was in their mess-up freezer...kind of tasted like creamy cardboard plastic.

7. What's the furthest you've ever been from home?

Destin, Florida, which is fourteen hours away. We went on vacation there this past November and it was incredible.

8. What is your earliest memory?

Hmm...earliest. I'm just going to tweak it to "early". My first bed was a king size (since then, I downgraded to a double, then a twin, and now I'm back up to a queen) that literally took up the majority of my bedroom. Anyway. I remember very vividly lining up my multitudes of stuffed animals and dolls and telling them stories. Also, the staircase to the attic/playroom was in my bedroom, and I was convinced that Michael Alvin (a bad guy of my imagination) lived up there. As long as I was under my covers with my buddies, though, I was safe.

9. What is your happy place?

My happy place is anywhere in prayer. If I can be in the presence of Jesus...what more could I ask for?

10. If you could pick one author/screenwriter to meet, who would it be?
Jane Austen.

11. What is your favorite book adapted movie/show?

Pride and Prejudice. The BBC version.

Now, for my questions:
1. Favorite ice-cream flavor?
2. Awkward/embarrassing childhood hobby?
3. Crazy dream job (un-writing related)?
4. Fine point or ultra fine point sharpie?
5. Current favorite song?
6. Captain America or Iron Man?
7. Favorite scene in current WIP?
8. Who is Jesus Christ to you?
9. Flip-flops or sneakers in the summer?
10. Write me a poem.
11. Post a picture of a hair cut that you want but would be too scared to ever get.

There you have it!

WAIT! Don't leave yet, there's more!

For the second year in a row, I'm doing the A TO Z CHALLENGE! Which is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done, since I'm already drowning in all sorts of deadlines that have serious implications for my future. Plus I had a great theme idea and I've prayed a lot about it so I am going to do my best to get it done!

(For those unaware, the A to Z is a challenge where bloggers attempted to blog thematically from the letter "a" to "z" every day in April, save Sundays.)

So....theme music. For my theme reveal. The reveal of my theme. My theme's reveal. The reveal which corresponds to my theme.

Ahem.

EVERYTHING I LEARNED IN HIGH SCHOOL: Letters to my High School Self

Well, maybe not everything I've learned...but the biggies. Senior year has brought out so much reflectiveness (not a word, whatever, I didn't learn to spell in high school obviously) in my self, which is saying a lot, because I'm a pretty reflective person. Anyway, I have had a very unique (or at least, I like to think so) high school experience and have been looking for an opportunity to dive into my story.

What will you see if you chose to stick around during April? You'll see the grace of God at work, and all of the tears, heartbreak, laughter, and joy that it brings.

Like I wrote in my last post, we have to tell our stories. We simply have to. God gave them to use for a reason, a long with words and fingers to write. So, dear friends, I hope you'll read my stories...they are my gift to you.

Have a blessed Holy Week.

The Power of Your Story

I love to share things that have happened to me. A crazy amount of ridiculous things have taken place in my life, and I enjoy sharing the hilarity of awkward situations I've been forced into.

But beyond the silliness...are we sharing our stories?

Our stories about when we didn't think we were going to make it. About when we almost ended it all. About when we didn't think God would come through. About when we were broken in so many pieces, we were certain that we would never be healed. About the immense pain caused by a family member or friend.

And how about the stories of incredible joy and goodness? When we did pull through? When God showed up? When we saw a purpose in the pain? When the unthinkable happened? When we fell into the arms of Jesus...when we realized the power He has in our lives?

These are the stories that make us who we are. Our generation has so many platforms for communication, with technology and social media. We have the potential to reach more people than was ever before possible.

Sometimes, I wonder if God lets us go through certain things because He wants us to be a comfort to people who will go through the same. I wonder if He allows us certain hurts because it will bring us closer as a Church...to truly be one body.

Our stories need to be shared. And not flippantly, as though they don't matter, as though they are powerless...but proclaimed as they are. Without trying to downplay the pain. Without trying to downplay the goodness.

"They conquered him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony." -Revelation 12:11

Revelation 12:10 accuses Satan of being the "accuser". At least in my life, that is his most accurate title. He accuses me of not being good enough, of not being important enough. He tells me that God can't use my life, God can't use my stories...that I'm too little and insignificant. He points his finger at me and says what I'm going through is too big for me, it's too big for God, and pain only leads to more pain.

Well duh. Satan isn't stupid.

The great accuser is CONQUERED by BLOOD OF THE LAMB. That is the Blood of Christ Jesus, spilled out for us on the cross...it literally covers us and conquers Satan.

I think it is so cool that NOT ONLY is Satan conquered by Jesus's Blood, but also by our testimony. God uses our stories-- the good and the seemingly bad-- to DEFEAT SATAN. God uses you to defeat evil.

So of course, Satan is going to downplay the importance of your story. He is going to tell you that it's not as exciting as everyone else's story, that it's not going to have an impact on anyone. He's going to tell you that God can't use your story...but that's exactly what God wants to do.

For me, telling my stories has been so healing for me. Being able to proclaim God's workings in my life is such a blessing. But it's more than just me...time after time, Jesus has used my story to bring healing to another person's life, which is the most humbling thing ever. Being used to glorify God and advance His kingdom...wow. It's amazing.

Friends, He desires to use you, too, in so many amazing ways! Never once doubt that He is not using you and that He will not use you. Together, let's pray to surrender more deeply to being used by Him.

God is continually working in all of our lives. We are living our testimonies out...our stories are not over. But God sees everything, beginning, end, and middle, and He pours out His love and His goodness upon us every minute of every day. Let's glorify His name and proclaim our testimony, to set prisoners free and kick Satan's butt.


If you're doing this whole Lent thing, here's my challenge for you: share your story. How has God worked in your life? Where has His goodness manifested itself? Share it in the comments and then pray for opportunities to share it with those in your life!

Be Still

I feel like I'm continually fighting so many battles. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm also losing all of these battles but for some reason, I don't change my tactics.

Do y'all ever have those days when it's like you against the world? It's a lot less glamorous than standing in front of a giant globe, hands on hips, cape blowing in the wind, sparkly combat boots glinting in the sun. In Marvel movies, the slim odds are exciting, invigorating, and even encouraging, but in my own life, they are crushing.

Yet I continue to drag myself through the battle field, hands covering my face and slamming into everything. My heart feels like a rag doll lately, tossed continually about by a child far too enamored by an imaginary world. I feel sabotaged by attacks, both surprise and not.

And I do not change my tactics.

Thank the Lord I was not in charge of military strategy during World War II or any big wars because, folks, there would no longer be any great US of A to call home.

I came across this verse the other day: The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. (Ex 14:14)

Be still. That sounds nice. But there's just too much to do. And that's a lot of control there that I'd be relinquishing, a lot of trust requiring...I don't know. How refreshing does that sound though? In a world where we're continually thrashing about, both by our own accord and others', be still.

So I don't need to fight? How exactly does one just...be still?

I feel like a repetitive point in my writing (due, no doubt, to the fact that it's a repetitive point in my life) is not only is God in control, but we are not. Whether or not we realize it. We're simply not designed to be in control.

I brought this verse to prayer, asking Jesus to fill me with awareness that He is fighting for me, and asking Him to still me.

His response? Ephesians 6:12-19.

For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And that is all the fighting I can do. I need to realize that I am not struggling against anyone or anything besides Satan.

Clothing myself in truth; realizing, despite what is being pushed at me, that I am a daughter of God, I am a bride of Christ, I am made in the Image and Likeness of the Creator of the Universe. Consequently, I need to realize that this is the truth and destiny of all; children of the King.

I need to cling to virtue, not vice, that I maybe righteous; embracing the gifts of the Holy Spirit (wisdom, understanding, counsel, knowledge, fortitude, piety, and fear of the Lord) in the face of the attacks of Satan. I must be eager to spread the Gospel and to let it be powerful, to let it change my life and the lives of those around me; I cannot be afraid of the peace that it brings.

Despite how things look around me, I want faith to influence my every move. I want to be filled with the knowledge that God is working. I want to believe with every part of my heart, mind, and soul that God knows what He's doing and He is doing...for my good and for His glory.

Jesus Christ died for my salvation....I am washed in His blood. The lies of Satan are meaningless against His sacrifice. How I need to remember this! And I need to be drenched in the beauty of Sacred Scripture...allowing it to come alive and penetrate my heart and my life.

Friends, God wants to give us these things...they're not things we have to convince, connive, and beg for. All that we need to do is surrender, give up our lives, and be still.

These are all truths that take self denial to accept. That is found in prayer. I challenge you to pray every day, for at least thirty minutes...let God fight for you. Let Him be God. How refreshing, how relieving that we don't need to be in control, that we don't need to be God! Let Him be Father and let Him hold you. You need only be still.

I'm praying for you.

Sadness

Yesterday, it looked like March. April, even.

Today, it's snowing.

Out of control flurries taunt the ground, about to fall and then flying away instead. The sky is spitting out huge white flakes so fast for a couple of seconds, letting up, and then hurling the majestic fluff towards the earth at an alarming speed once more.

Falling, falling, falling. And I can't stop it. I couldn't even begin to be able to control it. I wouldn't even be able to sort it, to protect the grass from its icy take over.

That's kind of how my life feels right now.

A million swirling emotions, like a tornado ripping out my heart. A million words, a million memories, a million reasons vying for my time and attention and tears. In all of this chaos...I am still. The pressure is coming at me from all sides that I suppose it just balances out.

Everything outside is so white. So cold. The snow covers everything, making us confused as to what is beneath.

My mind feels like that. Just a shocking, bright white. I can't grasp on to any one thing because there are too many. The cold numbs my heart and there's only one feeling I can clamp onto.

Sadness.

Today is a sad day.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with sadness. For some reason, a lot of people have it in their minds that it's not okay to be anything but happy. But guess what? Jesus wept. (John 11:35)

It's okay to cry.

But what is not okay is to let sadness harden our hearts. Instead, sadness has the power to cleanse...to tenderize our hearts.

I need Jesus to enter into my sadness, just like every other emotion. In my sadness, just like everything else, He is with me. Not only is He with me, He cries with me. In my sadness, He stills me.

We have to entrust not only whatever is making us sad to God, but also the sadness itself. We have to turn to God to comfort us, because nothing else ultimately will.

Sometimes, things don't make sense. Actually, a lot of times things don't make sense (at least in my life). But in sadness, in happiness, whatever-- we have to trust that God has a plan. We have to trust that He allows everything for a reason.

It's okay to be out of control.

Honestly, that is how we are supposed to be. Out of control. We're out of control whether we realize it or not. Rather than this truth inciting fear, let's pray that it brings us to a deeper trust. We simply have to trust that not only does God have a will for our lives, but that it will be done.

The snow has stopped. It's actually extremely beautiful outside. How fast everything changes.

"You changed my mourning into dancing; you took off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness." -Psalm 30:12

God is bigger than all emotion. He is eternal, everlasting, all powerful, and all loving. He will heal and He will restore. In sadness, joy can be found in His love and hope can be found in His plan.

Let us seek Him, in everything we feel, and everything we do, and everything that happens to us. He's got it. He's got us.

I Worship False Gods

The Old Testament is wrought with stories about idolatry.

So many hundreds of people who worship things, giving powerless things power over their lives. In some cases, people even gave of themselves to worship, whether that meant physically or financially. It's actually pretty heartbreaking. Take the Israelites, for example. God led them out of their bondage and then, ba da bing ba da boom, they turn right around and melt all their gold, turning it into an idol. Into an idol that has never done anything for them, will never do anything for them.

But idols aren't all gold. And they don't all live in the Old Testament.

Actually, there's quite a few present in my life. I have a confession to make. I worship idols. Here are some of their names:


Fear and worry. I let fear literally run my life sometimes. I sacrifice so much thought and feeling to worrying about the future. I make room in my heart for fear and push everything out. Sometimes, the majority of what I think are "what if's". I bow to fear and worry and accept them into my life.

People's opinions. There are times that I let people's opinions of me dictate how I act, how I speak. I have centered my actions around people, figuring as long as I'm accepted and well thought of, nothing else matters.

Anger. I have clung to unrighteous anger. I have let it guide my thoughts and actions. Instead of having a forgiving spirit, I sacrifice so much of my time and energy to just being angry.

Distrust. Because of past hurt, I have let distrust uproot love in my life. I have been suspicious, sure people are out to get me.

Despair. Rather than trusting, I have let go of hope so often in my life.

I am a sinner. I am just as heartbreaking as the Israelites...God has done (and is doing!) so much for me, and I continually bow to these other gods. I turn to these idols because they're easy. It's so easy to fall into these temptations, to worship fear and worry, to believe that people's words are the be-all-end-all, to cling to anger, worship distrust, and be one with despair.And here's the thing: these gods that I'm giving so much of myself to? They're not giving me anything. They destroy my heart, making me weak and tired.

"Since the Lord, your God, is a merciful God, He will not abandon or destroy you..." -Deut 4:31

Again, these things can't do anything for me. They are empty. They are lies and they are not of Jesus. Why should I open my heart to them when the God of the universe longs to give me His peaceful love that washes away all hurt...fear...worry...

Why do we worship things that hate us? That are so bad for us? Why would we not run to the arms of an all loving Father?

THAT is where the power is. In Jesus Christ, who died and rose from the dead. I am not a slave to fear, I am a child of God. I can believe, I can be free.

This year, let's give up our control-- we don't have it anyway. Let's give up our false worships, whether that be in the name of fear, anger, distrust, sex, money, whatever. Every day, let's surrender. Let's proclaim God as the one and only Lord of this world, the one and only King of our hearts. And then let's watch the glory unfold.

"...you must know acknowledge and fix in your heart, that the Lord is God in the heavens above and on earth below and there is no other." -Deut 4:39

When God Wants You To Wait

This is the time of year when I'm always in a funk.

Christmas seems forever ago and summer is light years away. I feel stuck in the middle, lost in a torrent of blandness and school work. There is so much to do before the school year ends. Things seem kind of pointless, and I wonder why I'm doing certain things. Laziness and procrastination tempt me to fall into their clutches. The weather doesn't help either, promising spring but clinging to winter.

Everything is just blegh. From the brown grass, the ever-sinking sun, the abundance of boring papers. Everyone is on edge and cold and just ready for some warmth.

Waiting. Waiting for summer, waiting for things to get done. Waiting to shake off the gloominess that holds us down.

Most people seem to think of waiting as a bad thing. In our culture, immediacy and instant gratification are our favorite words. The motto "all good things to those who wait" has been turned into "if you have to wait, it's not good". Instant internet access, instant texts back, instant feedback. When we don't get it, we get cranky.

We like our lives like we like our movies-- exciting, fast paced, surprising, and dramatic (even if we won't always admit it). When none of these adjectives apply to our lives, we sometimes wonder what we're doing wrong.

God does not subscribe to the world's negative view. In fact, sometimes God does His greatest work in us and with us in the waiting periods of our lives.

It is in the waiting that God changes our hearts. In the mundane, He wants to fill us. He wants to strengthen us, to prepare us. There is so much He longs to teach us in these waiting periods! He wants to refine our hearts, to direct us towards Him.

In our faith, are we clinging to God only when we feel high emotions? When things in our lives are crazy, either crazy good or crazy bad? When we reach interim periods, do we continue to trust Him, to turn to Him?

What about when we're waiting on Him? When we're waiting for an answer, for a sign...do our praises and gratitude turn to grumbling and complaints? When we don't feel anything, do we "not even bother" with prayer?

We do not follow God because of what He does for us, because of how He makes us feel. We follow Him because of who He is.

God is mighty to save. He is Love. He is all powerful. He is in control.

Right now, I'm waiting on a lot of things. I don't know where I'll be or what I'll be doing even four months from now. But I do know that my God is faithful. I know that He is working in this time, that He has a plan that He will execute perfectly, for my good. So, meanwhile, I will worship Him.

Is God asking you to wait on Him? Never believe for a moment that He is not active. Find Him in the waiting. Surrender more fully. Be faithful to Him. Try to outdo Him in faithfulness, and watch the splendor that unfolds.


"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." -Romans 8:28